it's true!

In two short weeks, we’re off to Boston! Yahoo!

I think for Halloween, we’ll dress up Ry as an elephant. Or a pumpkin. Or a bumble bee. Or a mouse or a kitty or a flower or monkey. Ohh, a robot! A robot baby!

Now if I can just figure out how to make a robot baby costume...

back to work.

I am going to have to face the sad reality of going back to work soon. Money is getting painfully tight and pretty soon we’re going to be choking, so I will need a job soon.

But I don’t want to go back to work. I want to stay home with Ryland and be his mommy and take care of him and run errands and marvel at every little thing he does. I hate that G doesn’t make enough money to support us all. Some of you may say “well, you should have waited to have a baby Christa” and I say to you people “shut up” and “mind your business.” Besides, Ry decided on his own he wanted to be born, and I had no control over his actions.

Stupid money, it ruins everything.

I kind of miss working, I miss having a place all of my own, away from everyone and everything, where my biggest worries are paperwork or getting some project done on time. But I imagine what it will be like to have to leave Ry, in the care of someone far less superior, and how he will miss me and I won’t be there for him and it kills me. I know he’ll be just fine and he won’t forget I’m his mother, but knowing that doesn’t stop me from thinking it.

But you gotta do what you gotta do and hope everything turns out okay. The next step is finding a job that pays enough and lets me work somewhat flex.

I’ve decided that the reason for the Red Sox success is because of Ry. What is different this year that hasn’t happened any other year before? One thing: Ry’s birth. Therefore, Ry is the savior.

In a few more weeks, we’re off to Boston! Yay!

friendships.

Every Thursday morning, Ry and I go to the hospital where he was born for the breastfeeding support group they hold. I started about 2 weeks after he was born and have gone to just about every meeting since then and I really enjoy it. It’s great to be around other mothers and babies, sharing our experiences and offering help and suggestions. It’s only an hour and a half, but I look forward to it every week.

And today, one of the women from my childbirth class was there. I was surprised at how happy I was to see her. I sat next to her and we chatted most of the meeting and then, at the end, the best thing happened. She suggested that next week, after the meeting, we go to lunch together! I was so happy. Inside, I was jumping up and down, giddy with glee, screaming YES YES YES YES I LOVE YOU LET’S GO TO LUNCH I LOVE YOU. I was able to contain myself and agree, in a very pleasant and uncrazy way, that lunch would be very nice.

I feel like I’m about to finally go on a date with a guy that I’ve had a crush on for years. So now I’m all nervous, worried that I’ll mess up and say something stupid and she won’t like me anymore and then it’ll all be over. But this is huge for me. I felt so adult, so grown up and real and womanly. It’s hard to explain. But I’m a mommy and next week I and my baby will be having lunch with another mommy and her baby. Could I be any more civilized? Could it be any cuter? Could mommy and baby lunches be the best thing in the whole wide world? I think so!

I left the meeting today glowing. I am so dorky that it embarrasses me, but I can’t help it sometimes, even when I try. Mommy friends are hard to come by and I’m actually making one all on my own!

So after that, I started thinking about friendships in general and boy are they curious beasts.

We all have different groups of friends for different times and areas of our lives, different aspects of our personalities.

For example, a few weeks ago, I was in Phoenix, attending a little party of my friend Marianne. Another very close friend of mine, Theresa, was also there, as well as several of Marianne’s friends that we had never met (we=myself and Theresa). And Ter and I started talking about how weird it was to see OUR friend, Marianne, with other friends who weren’t us. Cause we were like the core group, the original group, and she belonged to US and it was disconcerting to see her with other friends. Kind of like “what the hell...who do you people think you are?” and we laughed about it. But it wasn’t in a bad or negative or mean way, just in a funny, weird way.

Theresa has lots of friends that I don’t know and whenever I see her with them, it’s like “Umm, excuse me, Theresa is mine, thank you very much.” In fact, at that very same party Theresa brought a friend of hers that I know but am not too close with and I get that little protective, almost possessive feeling of “Umm, just what exactly do you think you are doing with my Theresa? I knew her first.” Only not so crazy sounding.

I thought the same things with Marianne’s friends. Sure they may see her much more often than I do, but she still belongs to me!

So Marianne and her friends in Phoenix all have this connection that I’m not a part of; Theresa has a group of friends that I am not associated with; Gina has her friends in the crazy old South; heck, even my pals here in Tucson have their own separate groups that don’t include me. And again, this isn’t BAD, just...interesting. We all have our different groups, whose purpose fits various needs.

Right now, finding new mommy friends who I can connect with has become a very important priority of mine. I’ve got this new prospect at the support group, plus a woman named Theresa here in Tucson who has two kids and who has been very helpful and supportive. Making new friends is hard work though, baby or not.

I’ll end this rather long, rambling entry (I’m on autopilot, typing with my eyes closed, so cut me some slack) with a salute to the Red Sox. Any team beating the Yankees in the postseason is a beautiful thing--the Red Sox beating the Yankees in the postseason is an inexpressible joy. No amount of celebration does the feat justice. And I only lived there for four years! I can’t imagine how lifelong Bostonians feel. It is almost as great as the D-backs beating the Yankees in 2001 for the championship.

Oh and for an eye-opening look at the peril of Halloween costumes, read this recent entry from Marianne.

two months!

Happy Birthday, my sugar pie guy!

Ry is two months old today. It feels sort of surreal. He feels both brand new and a million years old. He is getting bigger and smarter and cuter by the millisecond. Until you have a baby, it is impossible to know love and contentment this great. And on the flip side, such worry, stress and fear. It goes both ways. Right now I am really enjoying our quiet times, when Ry is nursing and it’s just him and me, relaxing and drowsy. I will miss this, boy will I ever.

In other news: holy red sox batman. could they give us anymore heart attacks? We all know that heartbreak is right around the corner, all this excitement is just delaying the inevitable, but it sure is fun. Goddamn it if I don’t hate the yankees though. Does ANYONE like that effing team anymore?

Anyway, to recap: happy birthday to Ry, go Red Sox, send me money, and vote Kerry!

ROCK HARD!

STAY COOL!

Ry in Boston!

I consider Boston Ry’s hometown, even though he was born in Tucson, because he was conceived in Boston.

And from November 10th till the 18th, Ry will get to visit Boston and everyone there. Because my old work bought tickets for me and the fam to all fly out there for a visit.

Couldn’t you just DIE? I am so excited that I already died.

Boston Boston, here I come!

stupid yankees.

I really hate that team and especially the fans. I wish they’d all fall off a big fucking cliff.

sigh.

It’s October. Normally, this time of year makes me giddy, as it is the start of hockey season. But due to everyone in the NHL being stupid and dumb and stupid, there is no hockey. NO HOCKEY. And who knows when there will be hockey.

And no one seems to care. Why doesn’t anyone care??

You people make me sick.

wilco wilco wilco!!

They’re coming!! To Tempe! In November! Tickets go on sale tomorrow!

Who’s coming with me?

Ex-pat.

I really think that my best course of action, should Bush be re-elected, is to leave the country. That’s what they always say--love it or leave it! And I still love America and would continue to love America if Bush got a 2nd term, but how could I stay and be true to my convictions? I don’t even know where I would go or how or what or when, but it would kill me to live here and raise my son with more of Bush’s policies destroying everything I hold important.

Sure, in four years he’d be gone, but look at the damage he managed to do with the his first four. Imagine him getting to appoint a Supreme Court Justice? He’d probably have oil drills in every backyard in America as well.

Ryland is 7 weeks tomorrow. 7 weeks feels like both a very long time and not long at all. My friend just finished potty-training her son and I think about when I will be doing that and it seems so far off, but I know it will happen in the blink of an eye. It was rough getting old all on my own. Now I have Ryland to remind me of how quick time moves and watching him grow up will surely be the death of me.

Lucky for me Ryland is a genius and a superstar and a god.

And have you all watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind yet? Because you really need to see this film.

thank you fisher price.

I love it when Ry’s baby swing puts him to sleep. My little mommy heart sings with joy.

more Ry, less Bush.

In addition to the videos from last post, I got some cute pictures together of my ry-guy and threw them on a page for your viewing pleasure.

Visit his media gallery to check them out!

So, I gotta know. What did you kids think about the first debate? It kind of bugged me to see all the analysis after the debate. Why don’t these news outlets let people make their own decisions? But then again, I guess I really need to remember that the average American can’t think for himself and needs to be told which way is up, so it makes sense.

Personally, I quite enjoyed the debate. I only wish little boy George could have heard the things I was shouting back to the TV. Because he’s a doofus and it drives me crazy. Something I always hear about the president is how the American people like him because he’s so familiar, he talks and acts and converses like you and me and the “normal” folk. And I agree! He does! But that’s not a good thing everyone. That is a very very bad thing. We don’t want some average ordinary yokel running our country. Don’t you people get that? That isn’t what we need. It takes a hell of a lot more than an “awww shucks” attitude to be president. Am I the only damn person who understands that?

Here are a few things that occurred to me during the debate. Bush kept talking about how he’s the president who can protect the American people and keep our country safe. And I wonder...who was president when 9/11 happened? Hmm. I think it was Bush. He sure didn’t do a good job of protecting us then, did he? And the guy behind 9/11 is still a free man!

I really want someone to ask George Bush why his administration didn’t put as much effort and money towards capturing bin laden and dealing with the situation in Afghanistan as he did toward Iraq. I mean, bin laden is responsible for 9/11 and this culture of fear we’re in now. 9/11 brought about all of this, the patriot act, the homeland security, terror alerts, intelligence issues, etc. And good old binny is the reason. Why, George Bush, why was Iraq so much more important than Afghanistan? Why is it so much more important than Iran? Than America?

But I think we all know the reason for that, don’t we?

If 9/11 hadn’t happened, would we be so worried about terrorists right now? No, it would have been just like before. I never thought about terrorism on a serious level before that. Did you? How many American people, in America, actually feel safer now that Saddam’s been captured? Before the Iraq war, who among us was actually living in fear of Hussein? That he was going to swoop in and wreak havoc on us? And now with Saddam gone, and even if we got bin laden tomorrow, are we really that much safer? It isn’t as if all these terrorists and operatives who are now in custody or dead aren’t being replaced. Where one terrorist goes down, another crops up somewhere else. Only now, people hate us more ever. And Bush wants me to seriously admire, respect and adore him for putting us in this situation? I don’t think so.

And boy am I sick of hearing him talk about “staying consistent.” Do you think you should stay the course and be consistent, even if it means taking us down the wrong path? A tragically wrong path? Is THAT better than admitting mistakes and taking responsibility for your actions? How is better to keep going the same course when you know it’s wrong, when you know it isn’t working? Just to stay consistent? How is that better?

Why isn’t the Bush administration being held accountable? The world isn’t safer, America isn’t safer, we’re not better off. Nothing has changed. Things are worse now, and not just for Americans. I don’t blame Kerry. I don’t care about mixed messages. Fuck that nonsense. I blame George Bush. No matter Kerry’s vote, our president and his cronies were determined to go to war in Iraq and HE is the one who should own up to this mess.

Who here actually believes America is a better place today than it was four years ago, before Bush took control? Honestly and truly. Look closely and think long and hard. Forget the media personalities and their opinions and listen to yourself. Bush wants to keep us Americans living in fear, because under fear we are frozen. Do you think we could survive another four years of fear drowning us all? Because I don’t. What scares me is Bush getting re-elected. It scares me more than anything.

In other less polarizing news, I watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and fell in love, absolute love. What a fantastic movie, in so many ways. That is the sort of stuff I wish I could create. Maybe I was so drawn to it because it centered on the notion of memories, and I myself am obsessed with memories.

It made me think about my own art. I really need to find a new source of creativity, because the one I had before is tapped dry. Maybe after I get out of this new baby craziness, I will have something to build on.