Therapy.

My dreams have been trying to tell me something lately and I can’t quite figure it out. They’ve been awfully detailed and crazy and I remember then quite well when I wake up, but as I go about my daily business I forget. Maybe I am forgetting on purpose because I don’t want to know what my dreams are trying to tell me. Maybe my dreams are crazy because Ryland, even though he’s three months, still isn’t ready to sleep for more than 3 or 4 hours at a time and my body is desperate for a longer stretch. Never in my life did I think I could function on 4-5 hours of sleep on a regular basis. Funny how things change.

So I’ve been thinking that I might need to get back into some therapy. Ryland has given my life meaning and purpose, but his existence doesn’t wipe out the 29 years I lived before he came around and all of the crap I picked up along the way. I still have way too much anger and sadness inside me and frankly I’m tired of it.

Even though I think maybe I need therapy, hearing someone else tell you that is quite annoying. I was on the phone with Gordon’s mother the other day, and we were discussing her son’s problems and what we need to do to help him. And she suggested group therapy. Which at first didn’t bother me, I barely even registered it. But later that day, it was poking at me with a little stick, saying, “hey christa, group therapy, you know what that means right? you gonna let her get away with that? of course you are you big frigging wuss. you need a lot more than group therapy.”

Because Gordon’s mother wasn’t suggesting group therapy as a way to help just Gordon. She thinks I need it as well. As if somehow MY problems are tantamount to his. As if Gordon’s drug addiction is somehow MY fault, that I’m causing it, that I put him in this situation and made his life so difficult he had no choice but to steal and lie and abuse drugs. She would never say this to me, oh no, never. But I can hear it in her voice and see it in her face. If I hadn’t gotten pregnant and dragged him to Arizona and made him get a job and be a responsible, decent human being.

holy crap. Something just ocurred to me right now. I bet Phyllis thinks that I got pregnant ON PURPOSE. I was feeling that baby crunch because I’m older and I was running out of options and I wanted a baby so bad but didn’t want to be get married so I manipulated Gordon to get what I wanted, because I was desperate and knew I could control her precious innocent little baby. I BET SHE TOTALLY THINKS THAT!

Okay, she probably doesn’t think that at all, but just to be clear, his dick had just as much to do with this baby as my vagina.

Anyway, let’s all hope that Gordon will be in rehab soon and on the right path to being a worthy father to Ryland.

I got sick in the past two days and now I feel like crap and boy it’s hard to be a good mommy when you feel like this, but I’m trying.

I have a ton of new pictures to add to Ryland’s gallery, but I just can’t find the energy right now.

oh my sweet wilco.

So Saturday night was the big show. At first I was apprehensive. Of course I wanted to see Wilco, but I just got back from Boston and I was really tired. Ryland was all discombobulated from the trip as well, and determined to keep my sleep to an absolute minimum. Marianne agreed to babysit him for me, but I was nervous to leave him for so long, worried for Ryland and for Marianne. I didn’t have much milk pumped either. So the evening started off a little shaky.

But once we got to the theater and the show started, I began to relax and ended up having a fabulous evening. The show was amazing. I joked to my friends after the show that it made me forget all about Ryland. I was kidding of course, but it did make me remember who I was before Ry, made me feel like the old Christa again. It’s been a long time. All I’ve felt and thought and lived these past three months is baby baby baby. And three months in baby world is like an eternity in the normal world.

I really needed a night like that and I was able to truly appreciate it because of Marianne, Tiffany and Morgan. Without them I wouldn’t have been able to let go and have such a good time.

Wilco was incredible. I’ve only seen them once before, in Boston, and this show seemed a lot more rocking and rolling. And does it get better than ending the show with blue oyster cult? I am not mad at Jeff Tweedy anymore. He’s too sweet to stay mad at and I love his voice. It’s like a big comfy chair that I can climb in and get all snuggly. I kept imagining the entire theater empty and Wilco alone on stage, with Jeff singing just for me. I’m his pop quiz kid after all. And to top it all off, in the encore they played Misunderstood which is one of my most favorite songs. So I thank Marianne and Tiffany and Morgan for giving me a great weekend and making me feel better about life in general and reminding me that I am a person outside of Ryland’s mom.

I can’t believe Thanksgiving is Thursday. And then Christmas and then New Year’s and then it’ll be summer and then his first birthday and then Ryland will be in college.

We're home!

We’re back in Tucson now and I am glad. It was great to visit Boston and we saw tons of people. It even snowed, which made me so glad to be HERE this winter and not there.

Gordon ended up coming home with me, even though I probably should have left him in Boston. I keep threatening to ditch him, but I keep not doing it. I wonder what he has to do for me to finally follow through on my empty promises. What more does he have to do to me and our son before I say enough? I really don’t know, but I also know none of this is easy or simple and any decision I make is not a good one. I can choose shitty option a or shitty option b or even shitty option c. Lucky me!

Wilco is tomorrow and I am thrilled to DEATH. I wish Ry could come with me but I suppose a concert, no matter how small, is not the place for a three-month old infant. Yes that’s right, Ryland is three months today! HB, little guy.

Everyone in Boston adored him and rightly so. He really is too cute. His pictures don’t do him justice.

While in Boston I drove what is quite possibly the greatest car known to man. This may come as a surprise to some of you, as it did me. But the greatest car known to man is...the toyota camry. I am not kidding! Granted I’ve never driven anything fancier than say...a toyota camry, but I really loved that car. I always used to think camrys? how lame, wondering why it was the most stolen car in America. But now? I’m singing a different tune: camrys? oh I must have sex with this car. I kept trying to figure out a way to steal that rental car and make it mine without anyone noticing. But my genius lies not in criminal activities.

Anyway, it is good to be home. Now I need to start looking for a job. Or maybe a giant suitcase full of free money will fall on my car today and I’ll be rescued. Crazier things have happened.

please come to boston.

So in a few short hours, we’re headed off to Boston. I am very excited. I can’t wait to see everyone and see the city and show off my beautiful baby. I love travelling, even when it’s a pain in the ass. I wonder how it will be with Ryland. Hmmm.

There is a very good possibility that Gordon will not be returning home. The notion that I am going to have to do this whole parenting thing solo is becoming an increasingly likely scenario. I’m not entirely sure how I feel about this, we’ll see what happens. The good thing is my family and my friends are supportive and will do pretty much anything to make sure Ryland and I are happy AND safe.

Men suck. God do they suck. Thank all hell that Ryland has me for a mother, to make sure he grows up decent.

okay, I’ll see you kids later. Send happy thoughts my way, high high up in the sky.

666.

Official proof that the Bush administration is pure evil: when I signed in right now to make an entry, the number of comments stood at 666. Yes. It’s true.

For an amusing look at the day after the election, visit my friend Paul’s site (he is my friend, even though we rarely talk these days, which is quite a SHAME and totally his fault).

So the next four years will be hell and then, like always, a Democrat will come in and start the cleaning process and right all the wrongs. But boy, four years seem a long time from now. Ryland will be four, close to starting school. I'll be halfway into my thirties. And Gordon will be old enough to drink (ha ha).

Pier 1 had a crazy ass moving sale, everything was 75% off. I bought a $250 desk for $40 and two chairs orignally at $135 for $35 each. As well as several candles and some baskets and various Pier 1 stuff. I haven’t gone this nutso since I worked there. But how can you pass up 75% off? Seriously.

Now I am beyond broke and I should feel guilty but screw it! I needed some materialistic consumerism (I suppose there is no other kind, eh) to boost my spirits after the election. I’m doing my part to help this lousy economy.

little ry-guy.

Here I was sitting at the computer, upset and crying. Ryland was in his crib, watching his mobile and listening to music. And he started to cry, so I went in and picked him up. We walked around his room. Up on his walls are two paintings I did for him, and as we were walking, he just stared at them, his eyes open and searching, studying those paintings. It made me feel so good.

Thank god I have the cutest sweetest baby in the whole world, or I’d be a bigger mess than I already am.

now what?

It is very hard to see through my bitterness and anger right now. There is not much to take solace in, but my friend Marianne had a good point and it helped me a little. I will quote her, because I couldn’t possibly say it better:

“I do feel slightly better about this election only because it appears that the asshole won the popular vote and as disgusted as I am with the STUPID and CLEARLY RETARDED people of this country who elected him, at least THAT is democracy, not like last time when he STOLE the election...at least this time he won it.

Oh Christa, I am just SO scared about the next four years...what is this guy going to do when he doesn’t have to worry about re-election? I shudder.....SHUDDER!!!!”

Now all that’s left is pack up Ryland and my stuff and rid my hands of this place and its idiot citizens for the next four years or so.

sheesh. what a shame.

sigh.

I am so depressed, so very very depressed. Stunned and disappointed and sad and very angry.

But there is a silver lining, and I’ll cling to it desperately tonight, nursing my battered heart and shattered hopes. Hillary Clinton in 2008. And that is a beautiful lining.

ahhh!

OMG I am so nervous, OMG.

I AM SO NERVOUS!!!

AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

V-Day

Well, it’s finally here. Election day. I can’t believe it. What with the baby and the Red Sox and the NHL lockout, November 2nd just sort of sprang up on me.

I know a ton of people who voted early and I had intentions to also vote early, but I ran out of time and it’s just as well. Voting on anything but November 2nd doesn’t feel right. My family mailed in their ballots, which I suppose is convenient, but I personally LOVE going to vote, getting into those sexy little booths and making my choices. It feels so good, so American, so empowering. I remember the first time I voted and how truly free I felt. I made my little voice heard, at least in that booth.

I know every single loafe reader will be voting, as least those who can. Those of you who are able to vote and do not, I hate you and I don’t respect you and you should be ashamed (especially if you are young and/or female). The notion of “my vote won’t matter” is a slippery slope and we must tread carefully. Bad governments rely on people to stay at home and not vote, so don’t let that happen!

The moment of reckoning has arrived. In the words of a great man, it’s going to be a glorious day. I feel our luck could change.

I have high hopes. If the Red Sox can win, so can my man Kerry.

Also, it may be true that I’m in love with Jude Law. We covet what we see, right? And he’s everywhere these days. Which is fine by me, because that man is muy caliente.

Pea in the Pod.

That was Ryland’s first Halloween costume. A pea in the pod. He looked very cute, OF COURSE. We didn’t go trick or treating or anything, because he’s way too young, but it was fun to dress him up and stuff.

In a week and a half, we’re off to Boston!

Home of the world champion Red Sox. Believe it or not.