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January 29, 2004

The Pain of Hygiene.

I think I have quite possibly discovered the most annoying thing in the entire universe. Well, I didn’t actually discover it, but I am making it official.

The most annoying thing in the entire universe is...

Plastic shower curtains that billow in on you while you are showering. Especially when the shower is rather narrow and the curtain is cold and slimy and won’t stop touching you while you’re sopping wet and just trying to get clean.

Posted by christa at 11:59 PM
| Comments (12)

January 28, 2004

Hey Ya!

Up until three weeks ago or so, I had never heard the song Hey Ya! by OutKast. Iíd read about it but never actually HEARD it. And then I saw OutKast performing it on SNL, and now I canít escape it. I am inundated with it. I hear it on commercials and movie previews, the radio, peopleís stereos, in the gym, at the store; that song is ubiquitous, as if it were streaming from the sky itself. I donít even know if I like it. I just know that I have to hate it because the entire world loves it and insists on making a permanent part of the soundtrack to my inner world. And that I do not appreciate.

Oh and get this! I woke up the other morning to the most annoying commercial jingle ever created, not on the TV or the radio, but in my HEAD. My head! We all know how Coors beer commercials elevate the words obnoxious and grating to higher and grander levels than previously imagined. Well, lucky me awoke to the ďMighty WingmanĒ song on repeat; all day long, it played incessantly in my brain. Thereís no reason for this. I wasnít watching TV or thinking about the rockingest and rollingest beer on the market, going to parties and singing with the crowd and dreaming about twins. I was merely waking up from a well-deserved night of rest, in which I dreamt about bunnies and robots most likely.

You may think this makes the advertisement successful, and I suppose in some queer and twisted way it does, but I find it appalling and disgusting and donít think I wonít shove sticks and pencils and forks into my own eyes and ears to make it end! BECAUSE I WILL, COORS. You will not win this battle, even if it kills me. And you can rest assured that I will never, in my entire lifetime, buy Coors beer, never ever ever.

Posted by christa at 12:36 PM
| Comments (5)

January 27, 2004

My new favorite bra.

I didnít think a bra existed that could replace my absolute favorite, the unlined, full-coverage Body by Victoria bra. I donít know what it is about those bras, but it is the most comfortable, supportive and flattering bra Iíve found. (For whatever reason, Victoriaís Secret website says it is ďnewĒ but Iíve been buying it for at least 2 years now)

But then they came out with this, and it has surpassed all previous bras. It is truly fabulous. I still get full-coverage (which I very much need) and itís still unlined, but get this...now itís racerback! And front-closure! I canít believe how comfortable it is. Racerback bras are really the best invention in the world. If I could marry racerback, I would.

I know it is pretty lame to get excited about new bras, but I canít help it. Good bras are so few and far between, especially when you have not exactly small breasts.

So girls, no matter what your size, I suggest the new racerback bra from Body by Victoria.

Posted by christa at 05:04 PM
| Comments (5)

January 21, 2004

Morning Shoppers.

Right before work, I stopped at the grocery store to get a muffin and a juice and there were all these little old people doing their shopping. It was vCute. They all came together on a yellow school bus and they had their hats and their coats and I thought that maybe getting old wonít be so bad, if I get to go to the grocery store on a yellow school bus with a bunch of friends. I donít know, maybe all those people werenít friends, but it sounds like fun, doesnít it?

Maybe itís just me.

Two of my best friends are about to turn 30 in February. I am pretty freaked out for them. I wish we could all be together and celebrate/mourn as a group, but they live in Arizona and I live here and thereís work and school and kids and all sorts of stuff in the way. But I really need to do something special for them. Anyone have any good ideas? What would someone facing down the evilness that is TURNING 30 (please say in a deep, booming, dooming voice) want? I myself wouldnít know since I am not anywhere NEAR turning 30.

Sad but true: I still have winter solstice gifts for my friends that I have not sent. But I will! I promise!

Alright. Itís true. I am thinking of holding some sort of loafe contest and whoever wins will receive a loafe prize package, which will include a book, a CD, some hand-crafted items, artwork, a beverage perhaps, and maybe a tasty snack. But what sort of contest could I hold? I do not even know.

Wait! I know! I could have a contest for The Best Contest Idea. The winner: the person who comes up with the most appealing contest idea. A contest about a contest! A meta-contest!

I think that perhaps I should win the prize package, because my meta-contest idea is obviously the best. But the whole reason there IS a prize package is because I have these items that I do not want (for various reasons, but not because any of these items are lame, because they are not lame, they are vCool). So clearly I cannot win my own contest.

I will have to think this through and then get back to you all with details regarding the upcoming loafe contest.

Posted by christa at 12:34 PM
| Comments (12)

January 19, 2004

Christmas is Over.

It is January 19th everyone. You know what this means. It is time.

Time to take down your decorations, your massive blow-up snowman and your icicle lights and your ridiculously garish nativity scenes, so lovingly displayed right next to your prized Mickey and Minnie Mouse set and jeez arenít they so cute dressed as Santa and Mrs. Claus. Get rid of the tree, clean up the tinsel and shelve the Christmas music. Please. I am tired of driving by your stupid house and seeing your stupid holiday cheer, so put it away already. It is mid-January and now is the time to be miserable and gray and cold; festive warmth is not wanted!

On a completely unrelated topic, the headphones that came with my iPod are quite nice, I have to say. I really like them, the sound is very good. The only problem is that they were built for a Giant Human with Giant Ears. Therefore, for someone like me, not a giant, the headphones are very uncomfortable to wear for any extended period of time. When I jog or exercise wearing them, they constantly fall out. Because they are too large to fit into my ear properly, even without the little black cushions! I cannot begin to tell you how annoying it is. They sound great but because I do not have Giant Ears I am unable to enjoy my iPod headphones.

And donít even get me started on socks. Not everyone has ginormous* feet, sock makers! Some of us need socks bigger than a childís but smaller than a frigging potato sack!

*gi-nor-mous(jie nŰr'muhs) adj.
1. a combination of gigantic and enormous.
2. a word only in Christaís world.

Posted by christa at 02:50 PM
| Comments (9)

January 16, 2004

You're Fucking Kidding Me.

The latest person to definitely NOT be invited to join my New World Order:
FIFA president Sepp Blatter. He just made the incredibly boneheaded suggestion that women soccer players should wear sexier, more feminine uniforms. ďTighter shorts for example,Ē he says. Because apparently, the important thing in womenís sports are not their athletic ability, but how they LOOK.

Not only is this dirty old man not invited, but heís first on the list to be castrated when the time comes. What a chump.

Hey, I know! Letís drop the idea of uniforms altogether and just make them play naked. They are women after all, so who really cares about their talent. All we want are tits, ass and pussy! Come on Sepp! And forget that whole running around and playing sports thing, too. Thatís for men. Letís just walk them around on the field. Maybe get íem to make out with each other. Because who wants to watch a bunch of GIRLS play sports unless they are nude, right Sepp?

hmpf. Stupid bastard. Now I am all fired up.

Posted by christa at 03:44 PM
| Comments (9)

January 14, 2004

Theater Rage and Stuff.

I feel like I am the only person in existence who is greatly perturbed by the proliferation of commercials assaulting us as we wait in a darkened movie theater for a movie that we just paid $10.00 to see. I know I canít possibly be the only dissenting moviegoer, but it sure does feel like it.

I paid that exorbitant price to watch a MOVIE, not a commercial. If it was just one single, short commercial, I might be less upset. If it was an ad not already played incessantly on television, I might be less upset. If it wasnít a bland, tired display of mediocre ďcreativityĒ, I might be less upset. If the movie was FREE, I might be less upset. If I was brain-dead and mild like Dove, I might be less upset. None of those things are true and it leaves me with theater rage. Gordon hates seeing movies with me because all I do is complain about it. But I canít help it. It just makes me so angry and thereís nothing I can do about it but sit there and wait for the torture to end. Iím a helpless captive to those money-grubbing movie whores. We all are! It drives me mad I tell you. MAD!!!!

(Sometimes I wish I could make loafe a voice journal, because you really have to hear me when I say certain things, it is that much more effective.)

You know what makes me even angrier than being forced to watch (and pay for) these lousy commercials? The audience laughing and taking pleasure in them. I am not kidding. I will be sitting in a roomful of people and those numbskulls will be enjoying those ads, the same fucking shit that they see on TV every single night of their lives. Eating it up like candy. It makes me sick.

Then again, everything is making me sick these days.

I did read a while ago that a woman somewhere was trying to start up a class-action lawsuit against Sonyís Loews theaters, but I donít know what happened to that. I donít think anything good has come of it, because ever since I read about it, the only change Iíve noticed is commercials becoming MORE prominent and numerous. Maybe I will start my own stupid lawsuit. Not that I know anything about that or would even bother. Itís much easier for me to just whine about it.

So anyway.

My sisters like to tease me that I am anti-love. They think I hate all things love. Because I am not particularly sentimental about the subject, whether in music or movies or books or my life, what have you. I am not sure if they are serious, but they couldnít be more wrong. As I said to a friend of mine recently, all I want in my life is love. Everything else is just background noise.

And I am not talking about all that hippy drippy love stuff. Yeah yeah I want everyone to get along and peace and blah blah blah. I just mean that I do like love, that love is pretty much what Iím about, and I just donít need it to be all fluffy and pink and saccharine.

THAT IS ALL I AM SAYING.

To recap: Less commercials in theaters, more love for Christa.

Posted by christa at 04:13 PM
| Comments (4)

January 12, 2004

332:01

The streak had to end, and I think we all feel a little relief that the stress is over. It somehow seems appropriate that the goal to break Boucher's record was a fluke, bouncing in off a Phoenix player. That whole run really sparked some life into the Coyotes and the fans.

In other sporting news, I was greatly disappointed to see the Packers lose to the Eagles. Very, very frustrating.

Posted by christa at 01:51 PM
| Comments (5)

January 09, 2004

brrrr.

It is very cold outside today. The air hurts me. It hurts my skin and my lungs and my teeth and feelings. I sort of like it though because it tastes and smells arctic clean and arctic fresh.

Hey did you all know that I have been in Boston for four years now, and have had loafe for four years?

I feel no different now than I did 4 years ago. Well, I feel older and more tired and more bitter. So I guess I do feel different.

blah blah blah.

Oh, and I subscribed to HBO. I do not care what anyone else says, I really like satellite TV. I really really like it.

Posted by christa at 05:12 PM
| Comments (4)

January 08, 2004

Correction:

Let’s make that FOUR straight shut-outs by Coyotes goalie Brian Boucher, not three.

That’s right, kids. As of Wed night, four straight shut-outs, which has not been done in over 50 years. Tomorrow, he will be going for an all-time (modern era) NHL record against Minnesota. Be sure to watch, it may be history in the making!

This is good hockey and I am loving every second of it.

Posted by christa at 03:15 PM
| Comments (4)

January 06, 2004

A List.

10 Things Easing My Winter Blues

1. My absolutely gorgeous iPod that my boyfriend George, George Glass bought me for christmas. He even got it engraved! On the sleek, shiny silver back it says:
live, love, loafe...
tripping lights fantastic

Isnít that splendid? You may be asking should such a frivolous, materialistic object make me so happy. And I say ABSOLUTELY!

2. Adult Swim on cartoon network. In particular, Futurama and Family Guy repeats Mon-Thurs, and the Sunday night line up, which includes Aqua Teen Hunger Force, Sealab 2021, Space Ghost and The Brak Show. I really have to thank Jeff for introducing me to the glorious insane world of ATHF.

3. Arrested Development on Fox and Scrubs on NBC. These two shows are such gleeful fun and so satisfying. They prove two things about sitcoms. One, the absence of a laugh track is a beautiful thing; two, TV is the greatest thing to ever happen, ever.

4. Curb Your Enthusiasm, season 1, on DVD next week. If I had HBO I would surely have included on this list the brand new season that just began. But alas, I am HBO-free. I really should just subscribe to it already.

5. My new soft fluffy organic cotton robe that, when I wear it, transforms me into a healthy happy cloud floating lazy in the sky.

6. Three straight shut-outs by Coyotes goalie Brian Boucher. God I love that team. And those new jerseys are just plain sexy. You Phoenix residents are damn lucky.

7. So Alive by Ryan Adams. There are no words to express how I feel about this song; just listen to it and be inspired and moved.

8. The Goddess pendant my friend Marianne sent to me. Already I feel my world changing and moving into better alignment.

9. Entertainment Weekly. It is practically my bible.

10. The Jet Propulsion Laboratory, those crazy scientists and that plucky sublime grand old Spirit; it all just makes me so giddy.

Listening/using/watching/thinking about these ten things keep me from being one beastly grumpasaurus rex. At all other times, you would do well to stay away. It is January after all, prime grumpasaurus time.

Posted by christa at 11:20 PM
| Comments (1)

January 05, 2004

Rainy days and Mondays.

They always get me down.

It is true. After two glorious weeks of freedom, I am back at work today.

I have two words for returning: lame, annoying and depressing. I have vowed that someday, even if it kills me, I will have a job that I enjoy. A job that challenges me and inspires me and doesnít incite fits of rage. My job is far from horrible. But it certainly is not interesting or exciting or remotely stimulating.

Donít get me wrong. I am VERY glad to have a job that does not involve bugs, name tags, bodily fluids in any capacity, children, time clocks, mops or, good god, MANUAL LABOR.

As an American citizen though it is my duty to be ungrateful and demand more.

Hey, you know something I got for Christmas that I am loving very much? The Tick DVD. There are only 9 episodes and it makes me very sad. Only 9 episodes! It is a real travesty. My only solace that this goofy and irreverent show is no longer on the air is the premiere of Celebrity Mole Yucatan on Wednesday night and The Simple Life DVD debut in a few weeks. Thank god for small miracles.

Posted by christa at 12:13 PM
| Comments (4)
 

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