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January 26, 2005

oh emerson.

I miss school.

very much.

Posted by christa at 12:17 AM
| Comments (4)

January 25, 2005

CJM, the zombie.

Ryland is killing me softly with his song, and his song happens to be not sleeping longer than 2-3 hours at a time.

new movie coming to a theater near you: zombie mommy! watch as she pours juice all over the counter, missing the glass entirely! watch as she forgets her baby in the grocery store cart! watch as she eats braaaaainsssss.

Posted by christa at 08:47 AM
| Comments (7)

January 24, 2005

watch the evil black the sky.

To help combat comment-spam, I have begun to close my entries to comments after a few days. So if anyone tries to post a comment to an older entry and it isnít working, blame those stupid comment spammers! They have to ruin everything.

Right now though I think Iíd like to talk about how boring and predictable men have become. Have they always been that way? It seems like they used to be better. Long long ago. Now all we have is just a bunch of guysóa bunch of ordinary guys, walking around talking about all their hot women. Itís so pedestrian and tired, you know? And isnít there a better description than hot? I freaking hate that word. Itís meaningless. The whole damn world is hot. Gimme a break.

Who the hell up and decided whatís hot and whatís not, and then said ďOkay, let us talk of nothing but hotness and sex from now on,Ē as if it were the most worthy and important subject in the entire universe? Because I hate that guy, whoever he is. Heís ruined everything.

Everyone everywhere is ruining everything and Iím sick of it.

I donít know what Iím trying to say. Maybe itís simple. Maybe I wish for more substance. That sounds too easy, but I guess itís true. But how can that be it? Is substance gone? Is it really that easy?

It would be nice to see someone not following the pack. Someone real, who has more personality and depth than a laddie mag. Someone who isnít scared to explore that which lies outside the box; someone who isnít a balls-out horndog, but enjoys a bit of the naughty behind closed doors; someone who doesnít need to aggrandize their lust and pursuit of girls girls hot hot girls; someone who can forgo the posturing and preening and bluster of the typical heterosexual American male and just relax for a goddamned minute.

Sex has permeated our culture to the extent that itís no longer sacred or private or revered. Itís commonplace. Sex should never be commonplace! And weíve desensitized ourselves so much that we constantly have to come up with crazier, dirtier, more extreme ways of displaying and experiencing sex. Iím not saying that every act of sex has to be full of grace and beauty, honor and love, glory and god. But I do believe every sexual act should be one of respect and somewhere along the road we dropped the respect in favor of hot.

Iím rambling. I think Iíve had this exact conversation before on loafe. I know Iíve had it dressed up in different clothes. But it all leads back to the same place.

The sky is a landfill.

Posted by christa at 02:10 AM
| Comments (1)

January 21, 2005

Huygens & Cassini.

That’s the name for my new band. I’m the bass player.

I’ve been looking at the photos of Titan and Saturn and boy are they trippy. Have you looked at them? They’re quite amazing. It took seven years for the probe to get there. Seven years! This is one of my favorite photos.

I wish I was a scientist. I suck.

Posted by christa at 11:01 AM
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January 20, 2005

aye carumba

I’ve been given a lot of projects to start with my new work at home job. Except for it isn’t really a job, just this thing where I do some projects for some guy who publishes a magazine. The magazine itself isn’t my cup of tea, but the actual magazine stuff IS so it’s kind of cool. I won’t be making tons of money, but every little bit helps. Plus it’s nice to have something other than baby poop to focus on. Not that I focus on baby poop a lot, but you get my meaning.

I gave Gordon a BJ for the first time in a long time the other night. We’re talking a really really long time here kids. Since right before Ryland was born. wowza. It wasn’t nearly as bad as I thought it would be and I didn’t puke or even really gag that much. BJs are funny in that you sort of forget how to do it when you’ve been on vacation for a bit. I guess after a few minutes my old flair and style came back to me, but I still sort of forgot.

I gotta tell you though, I don’t much care right now if I ever see another penis again. I’m too tired and bitchy and down on myself to want sex. I’m half-way serious when I tell Gordon to pick up a mistress, so he doesn’t have to keep bothering me. I’ve read the books and the magazines that talk about getting your love life back after a kid and the things they suggest make me vomit. All romantic stupid cheesy things. I have zero interest in that noise. Calling it a love life right now just made me vomit.

I suppose I should be more affectionate and intimate with G, because despite his complete lack of maturity, honesty, trustworthiness and dependability, I AM fond of the guy. But everything I have in that department goes to Ryland. I’m all cuddled out.

Speaking of Ryland, his farts are so smelly today. What on this good earth did I eat to make him stink so bad? jesus in a tin can.

Posted by christa at 05:05 PM
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January 19, 2005

changes

I’ve been listening to Landslide a lot lately for some reason. I really like that song. By Fleetwood Mac, not any of the lame remakes.

Anyway, if I ever find the extra time I might change the look of loafe. I’m a new person now, I need a new look. I might use wordpress. It’s pretty easy to set up.

Speaking of setting up wordpress, I did such a thing for my friend Tiffany recently, with her new site Some Kind of Johnson. I even made her a little mascot I call Super Tiffany. Check it out!

Posted by christa at 10:39 AM
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baby pictures!

I finally got around to updating the pictures of Ryland. I take about a million pictures a day of him, so it can be a little intimidating and time consuming to sit down and organize them all.

He is 5 months today. It scares me how much he’s growing, how big he’s getting, how fast it’s happening. I want him to stay little forever. I compare his pictures from the past few days to the pictures of when he was first born. They’re like completely different people!

Posted by christa at 09:54 AM
| Comments (8)

January 14, 2005

a few other things...

Right now, my internet connection is very spotty. It keeps dropping me and then I have to reset the effing modem to make it work again. And itís starting to bug the living piss right out of me. Look! Itís made me so mad Iíve resorted to using the phrase ďliving piss.Ē I hate Cox. They can suck...haha, well we all know what Cox can suck.

I know youíre all just dying to know what I truly think about this stupid hockey bullshit thatís happening right now, with the lockout and everything. Well, Iíll tell you. I really donít care much about the numbers or the salaries or the disagreements or the politics and showboating that is currently going on. I donít care whoís right and whoís wrong. Iíll leave that talk to everyone else, to the media and all the talking/writing heads and jackasses who think they know everything. Iím not on anyoneís side but my own.

I just know that I miss hockey very much. I didnít think or realize how much I would miss it, even when I knew the lockout was inevitable. But boy do I miss it. It seriously gets me down and I just want it back. I want to watch the games on TV and drive up to Phoenix and watch the Coyotes play in their new rink and get mad at another boneheaded play by the Bruins. I want to curse every player on the Avalanche and spit at Toronto. I want to make fun of Hal Gil and turn the TV off halfway through the game and throw the remote because I am so angry. I miss Barry Melrose. I miss reading the recaps of the previous nightís games and watching the highlights. I miss all the cute boys, skating their way into my heart.

Because even when hockey is bad and people are arguing and complaining over league changes and ways to make it more exciting, itís still the best thing in sports. But you gotta play to have all that and right now everyoneís just being stubborn and stupid. And what can we do to get rid of Gary Bettman already?

I know, I know, I could be watching college hockey. And if I lived in another part of the country, I could go to AHL games.

But itís just not the same. And I hate America for not caring.

Posted by christa at 12:45 AM
| Comments (9)

be my faraway love won't you?

I have too much stuff. Iím thinking about doing something drastic and getting rid of it all, starting from scratch. Iíve never done anything like that before, but I think it would be interesting. It will probably not happen until I move to another country, which canít be until I finish emerson, which should be sooner rather than later, if all goes as planned. But still, Iím thinking about it. Who really needs all this crap anyway? Itís just stuff. Itís only important and sentimental if I make it important and sentimental. Iím tired of making everything important and sentimental.

I have come to realize something about myself. I think. Maybe. It seems that I am much better off alone. I mean, it just seems that I be and do much better when Iím away from people I know and love. And especially away from my family.

When I have faraway love.

When Iím close (in proximity) to them, I eat too much, I complain too much, I watch too much TV, I get extra lazy, I am less creative, I am crankier, love myself less and hate everyone else more, I feel less hopeful and more cynical. When Iím away from love, when Iím off somewhere doing my thing, I am happier, healthier, funnier, smarter, snappier, sweeter, and with the perfect amount of cynicism.

If Iím in a relationship or living in Tucson, I find it very hard to break out of that protective coating that I had wrapped around myself for so long. I dropped it easily enough in Boston, when no one knew me and I was just some girl named Christa living in Boston. But then I made real friends in good old beantown and I met Gordon and suddenly I wasnít alone anymore. I had nearby love. And slowly things began to degrade and I started becoming that christa that I do not want to be.

Of course, the real question now is who am I supposed to be? Is that dampened girl the real christa? or is the real christa continually being hidden by the over-christa in situations of nearby love? And what is it with love that makes me go so crazy?

I am using a lot of stupid terms here: faraway and nearby love, real christa (vs some sort of fake christa?), dampened girl, beantown, over-christa. Who really cares though. Itís my freaking site.

Here is what I think I need to do: move me and Ryland to someplace where itís just me and Ryland. I love my friends and my family very very much. Without them, Iíd be nowhere, with nothing. They support me when I stumble, which is quite a bit. But the great thing about them, but that gets me in trouble? They support me even when Iím not stumbling. That isnít their fault, itís mine. Because for me, when someone is there for me to lean against, guess what? Iím gonna lean. Even when Iím walking just fine on my own two little feet. Hereís the thing I discovered though, most recently in Boston: when I start to stumble and someone isnít there, Iíll fall. And once Iíve fallen, Iíll look around and say ďhmm. No oneís there. What to do, what to do.Ē and then Iíll get up and shake myself off and go on about my business.

When I have nearby love, itís nearly impossible for me to get up, shake myself off and go on about my business. When I have nearby love, I get complacent.

Although, and this is something I was discussing earlier with a friend, fear is the one thing that makes people complacent.

Hmm. So maybe the issue here is my fear of love. Which I know is totally lame and sooo 1990s, but maybe thatís why I get all funky in situations which require the use of my love muscle.

hahahah, my love muscle. that is so dirty.

Posted by christa at 12:22 AM
| Comments (3)

January 12, 2005

bleah to titles.

Here is one thing that I donít like: every entry I write for loafe requires a title. It annoys me, that I have to label everything I say. I hate trying to come up with some pithy, relevant or logical title for each entry. Itís stupid. But I guess for the sake of organization and archiving, titles are necessary. Itís just annoying, thatís all Iím saying.

Anyway.

The weekend newspapers usually include two ďmagazinesĒ each week that I absolutely cannot stand. One is USA Weekend and the other Parade. I just hate them both, I hate them so much. Everything they write about tries to be so helpful and positive and encouraging. It makes me sick. Theyíve gone and gathered the biggest piles of shit they could find, slapped some pretty and frilly little dresses on them, and handed them over to the American people. ďHere, oh great America, here we give you valuable and insightful information to make your life better! Meaningful, important information and moving, heartwarming stories that will remind you how great life truly is and how lucky we are...Ē

Here are the two most recent headlines. From Parade, featuring a cover story on Samuel L. Jackson, ďGrowing up in the segregated South, Samuel L. Jackson knew the painful cycle of poverty, addiction and despair. But, he says, ĎI Had a Dream of My OwníĒ Puke. And from USA Weekend: ďBaby Steps, 15 of the absolute latest scientific findings on caring for your infant. Theyíll help make todayís little ones happier, and healthier, than ever.Ē Vomit.

Nothing Iíve ever read in those publications has made my life better, easier, smarter, happier or less stressful. In USA Weekend, 18 of the 22 pages had either full or half page ads. Paradeís 23 pages had 16 pages of ads. Just thinking about it now makes me crazy. And how much uplifting and emotional bullshit can we take? Honestly, who are these people reading this fluff? Hereís what I want to know: whoís sitting on his couch at home, reading about Samuel Jacksonís life, saying to himself, "Oh yes, Sam! Youíve inspired me to change my life! Thank you Parade! Thank you Sam! You had a dream of your own, and I do, too!" Guess what folks? Mr. Jackson is just pushing his new movie, and he doesnít give a whit about you or your dreams. I liked him in Pulp Fiction and all, but I care about his personal life just about as much as he cares about mine.

You know what else annoys me? McSweeneyís. Donít get me wrongóI mostly like the content and I always have a good time there, but the hipness of it makes me all snarly and pissed. Every chump who wants the world to know how cool he is proclaims his love of mcsweeneyís. Some ultra-trendy hipster who hates Bush, walking around with a copy of The Believer under his arm, drinking his lame coffee and smoking his lame cigarettes, saying how he loved Modest Mouse from the beginning, before anyone else even knew who they were and rolling his eyes at all the Johnny-come-latelys.

Here is a recent topic from McSweeneyís: E-Mail Shorthand that Civil War Soldiers Would Likely Have Used in Letters Home Had the Technology Been Available to Them. Okay, we get it. Youíre cute and witty and fun and smart and spry and you love love LOVE Death Cab For Cutie and The O.C and jesus, arenít you just so clever. so okay, WE GET IT. Now give me a fucking break, alright? Cause youíre killing me.

I guess this is a bit of a ranting entry today, eh? Iím full of the cranky and grumpy. To balance things out, Iíll admit I like reading the Ask Marilyn column in Parade.

Oh, also, with things like McSweeneyís, itís just so hard to keep up with it. Iím exhausted enough trying to stay at my current level of coolness, which is really quite low, and I donít have it in me to experience or learn or discover any more. Itís kind of like my deal with links and blogs and web journalsótoo many is too much. You know what I mean? Maybe itís just me. But trying to stay current and smart takes a lot of work and I canít be bothered with it.

Lazinessóit gets me every time.

Posted by christa at 01:28 AM
| Comments (4)

January 10, 2005

our 1st accident.

Well, Ryland and I had our first accident this afternoon. I propped him up in the corner of the couch and gave him his crinkly book he likes and walked away for a few minutes. I sat at the computer to send my resume to a few places and as Iím typing my cover letter, I hear ďTHUNK.Ē Time froze; my heart stopped beating and then dropped to my feet. I turned around and Ryland was lying face down on the floor.

I ran over to him immediately and picked him up, he was screaming, I was crying, it was quite the scene. We walked around the house a few minutes, me comforting him, he comforting me. We both finally calmed down and I checked him over and he was just fine and I checked me over and, apart from incredible guilt, I was fine. Then I started laughing. Because it was funny. Maybe I shouldnít laugh, maybe that makes me a horrible awful mother, but I couldnít help it. Just hearing that thunk and seeing Ryland lying face down on the floor...If he was HURT or damaged somehow, I would be slitting my wrists or something equally dramatic, but we got lucky on this one.

I suppose it has to happen to everyoneóit just takes that one time for their child to roll over off the bed or the couch or the dresser or something before a lesson is learned. We both came out unscathed and now I know that Ryland can go from a propped up sitting position to a prone position, and then he can roll right on over.

Five minutes after the incident we were laughing and dancing and singing, so all is well again on Ryland Island.

Posted by christa at 05:48 PM
| Comments (2)

January 07, 2005

the simpsons.

One of my favorite quotes from the Simpsons, the one where Homer becomes smart after removing the crayon in his brain: ďIím a Spalding Gray in a Rick Dees world.Ē At least I think thatís the episode. I could be wrong, but I know thatís the quote.

Now itís just Rick Dees in a Rick Dees world.

I think there are people who donít like me anymore, or at least not as much or in the same way they once did, because Iíve had a baby. I guess I can understand that, but it makes me feel kind of bad, you know? And in my little circle of friends, a lot happens that I donít know about, because Iím not there, because Iím removed, because I canít go out and I canít hang out and I canít do the things I used to be able to do with them. It makes me feel a little sad, not just that Iím missing out, but that this is the way things are now. Iím still part of the group, but not really. Because I have a kid and no one else does. And until they do, our lives will be different.

And itís all pretty much my fault. It isnít like Iím making some great effort; most of the time I am so distracted or tired or such a zombie that I forget to make/return calls and email and Iíll stay home rather than try to find a babysitter to go out. So in essence Iím choosing to be on the outskirts of the circle. I just wish my stupid girlfriends would start having babies already. Youíre not getting any younger, girls!

And loafe would like to congratulate my friend Tonya on the birth of her baby boy. Happy Birth!

Posted by christa at 12:37 AM
| Comments (7)

January 03, 2005

spinning and spinning.

sometimes things seem to pile up so fast when you arenít looking that you turn back and swirling all around you everywhere are strange faces and strange smells and strange behaviors, crashing into each other and the walls and exploding in the skies, making bright colors and dark shadows and dancing fire flames.

and itís nice when something comes along in this whirlwind to remind you where you are and what youíre supposed to be doing.

I just finished a book called the curious incident of the dog in the night-time. itís a glorious piece of enchantment, sweet and bitter and sad and calming, and if I could climb into the pages and lay among the words, swim between the pages, dance with the illustrations, I would die a happy girl.

things are crazy all around me, but nothing calms my jumpy jitters like a good book.

I read the entire thing in one day, from last night till tonight, and itís been the first time Iíve been able to relax or take a few minutes for myself in a long while. Itís a short book and once I started it was nearly impossible to stop.

And now itís 2005. It really doesnít mean that much to me except I had to buy new calendars, which is one of my most favorite things to do because I love calendars and if it were up to me I would buy a million of them and they would be plastered all over my walls. At the same time buying calendars is one of my most hated activities, because it is very difficult for me to pick just one or two calendars. This year I will buy three, although I wanted many more.

I hope everyone had enjoyable holidays.

Posted by christa at 02:03 AM
| Comments (3)
 

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