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January 14, 2005

be my faraway love won't you?

I have too much stuff. Iím thinking about doing something drastic and getting rid of it all, starting from scratch. Iíve never done anything like that before, but I think it would be interesting. It will probably not happen until I move to another country, which canít be until I finish emerson, which should be sooner rather than later, if all goes as planned. But still, Iím thinking about it. Who really needs all this crap anyway? Itís just stuff. Itís only important and sentimental if I make it important and sentimental. Iím tired of making everything important and sentimental.

I have come to realize something about myself. I think. Maybe. It seems that I am much better off alone. I mean, it just seems that I be and do much better when Iím away from people I know and love. And especially away from my family.

When I have faraway love.

When Iím close (in proximity) to them, I eat too much, I complain too much, I watch too much TV, I get extra lazy, I am less creative, I am crankier, love myself less and hate everyone else more, I feel less hopeful and more cynical. When Iím away from love, when Iím off somewhere doing my thing, I am happier, healthier, funnier, smarter, snappier, sweeter, and with the perfect amount of cynicism.

If Iím in a relationship or living in Tucson, I find it very hard to break out of that protective coating that I had wrapped around myself for so long. I dropped it easily enough in Boston, when no one knew me and I was just some girl named Christa living in Boston. But then I made real friends in good old beantown and I met Gordon and suddenly I wasnít alone anymore. I had nearby love. And slowly things began to degrade and I started becoming that christa that I do not want to be.

Of course, the real question now is who am I supposed to be? Is that dampened girl the real christa? or is the real christa continually being hidden by the over-christa in situations of nearby love? And what is it with love that makes me go so crazy?

I am using a lot of stupid terms here: faraway and nearby love, real christa (vs some sort of fake christa?), dampened girl, beantown, over-christa. Who really cares though. Itís my freaking site.

Here is what I think I need to do: move me and Ryland to someplace where itís just me and Ryland. I love my friends and my family very very much. Without them, Iíd be nowhere, with nothing. They support me when I stumble, which is quite a bit. But the great thing about them, but that gets me in trouble? They support me even when Iím not stumbling. That isnít their fault, itís mine. Because for me, when someone is there for me to lean against, guess what? Iím gonna lean. Even when Iím walking just fine on my own two little feet. Hereís the thing I discovered though, most recently in Boston: when I start to stumble and someone isnít there, Iíll fall. And once Iíve fallen, Iíll look around and say ďhmm. No oneís there. What to do, what to do.Ē and then Iíll get up and shake myself off and go on about my business.

When I have nearby love, itís nearly impossible for me to get up, shake myself off and go on about my business. When I have nearby love, I get complacent.

Although, and this is something I was discussing earlier with a friend, fear is the one thing that makes people complacent.

Hmm. So maybe the issue here is my fear of love. Which I know is totally lame and sooo 1990s, but maybe thatís why I get all funky in situations which require the use of my love muscle.

hahahah, my love muscle. that is so dirty.

Posted by christa at January 14, 2005 12:22 AM

Comments

Alice Cooper Has a "Muscle of Love"..

Posted by: DG at January 14, 2005 06:57 AM

ick - i am such a total prude.

Posted by: gina at January 17, 2005 03:29 PM

Christa, hun, you can't run away from love. Wherever you go, it'll be waiting for you.

Posted by: Jamie at January 18, 2005 04:56 PM

 

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