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The plan was to drive to Tucson for thanksgiving week. Return to Colorado on Saturday. Then fly out to Vegas for work. Spend the week there and get back home yesterday. None of this happened. Or at least not the way it was supposed to go.

Instead my dad decided to spice everything up. He is diabetic and not very good at managing it, so the Friday before we were due to leave, a small sore on his foot turned into a major problem. He felt no pain because his nerves are gone in his foot. It took him falling and hitting his head to go to the ER. The hit to the head turned out to be nothing but it pretty much saved his life. Because the infection in his foot was bad, real bad. it had spread so rapidly that it turned into wet gangrene. the doctor said if he had gone another day like that, he probably would have died.

So he’s in the hospital being treated for this serious infection but he’s doing ok. The docs are doing a lot of surgeries and pumping him full of antibiotics to try and get rid of all the infection. He loses a toe but the foot looks like it will be saved. Seems like the docs have it under control. My sisters say to postpone my trip till Christmas, when dad is better and out of hospital. So we stay here in Denver.

Then, four nights after being admitted, two days before thanksgiving, all hell breaks loose. his heart stops. They perform life saving measures. He’s intubated, put on a ventilator. It doesn’t look good. His brain was without oxygen for 8-10 mins, they aren’t sure of the extent of the damage. Now the infection is the least of their concerns.

I look at options. Driving is cheaper but takes 13+ hours. Flying is quicker but so expensive. So so expensive (it’s last minute travel AND thanksgiving week). Because of course it is. Madrid family tradition to have dramatic health scares and hospital stays during major holidays (minor ones too).

But I want to be there. I need to be there. Just in case he doesn’t wake up. I need to see him and say goodbye. So we fly out the next day.

He survives. It takes several days but he is eventually taken off the ventilator. He wakes up. We get to see him and talk to him. he is weak. Confused. Can’t talk or articulate very well. Doesn’t understand what is happening. He asks for Ann, who has been dead for 7 years, and a hot dog on a stick (which is what my mom used to call corn dogs). He asks us what she thinks about all of this. We tell him she’s been gone for 7 years. He seems surprised at this, but nods a little.

He ends up getting ICU delirium. Which I had never heard of but is a very real thing.

There are a few rough days, where we wonder how much of this is lasting brain damage, how much is this delirium, how much are just the aftereffects of the sedation, medications and overall trauma.

The boys and I stay as long as we can but we have to get back to Denver. He is out of immediate danger and even tho we are worried about his mental state, at least we got to see him conscious.

He’s still in hospital but no longer in ICU. every day he gets a little bit better. His talking, memory and communication have all improved significantly. He understands more about what’s happening. He is weak still. Tired. Not eating much. Wants to go home. It will be awhile before that happens. He’s got a long recovery ahead of him. He will eventually be released to a rehab facility for continuing care.

But it looks like he’s going to be ok. We are grateful and relieved and happy we get more time with him.

The past few weeks has been very stressful and upsetting. I ended up missing my work trip but that is ok. I am super broke but that is ok. My dad is alive and we got to see him and he continues to improve. he will likely get to keep his foot. They don’t know why his heart stopped but he pulled through. I am convinced that when he “died,” he saw my mom and she told him that it wasn’t time yet, that us girls still needed him. So he came back to us.

So my thanksgiving this year was not that great and Arizona sucks, but I did get to go to eegees so that’s cool.

I would like to drive there around Christmas but finances are a little shaky right now. I might wait till some time in the new year, when he’s out of hospital and back home and I have a little more money.

But jeez Louise. 2024 has been another shit year, in a long string of shit years.

And here we go, facing another four years of total chaos and insanity.

Just as in 2016, I have checked the fuck out. I don’t want to know or see or think or feel. Just leave me be.

And then you die.

I’ve always firmly believed this. And I continue to firmly believe this.

I will believe it till I die. lol

I also believe that life gives you cookies, kicks you in the shins, and then takes the cookies back.

But look at this sunset from opening day at Christkindl

I accept this small moment of joy, amidst the sea of misery.

The therapist says that to change things, to change my mind frame, I need to make time every day to find things I am grateful for. it doesn’t have to be something fancy, it can be tiny and basic. It can be one simple thing. But I need to do it, every day, practice practice practice. Even if it feels forced or fake or silly or dumb. To just keep doing it.

IT IS VERY HARD.

But ok. I will try.

So that is my gratitude for today. The sunset from civic center park at Christkindl.

I like that chappell roan but she’s kind of a poor man’s CMAT. or an American cmat. Or a less something cmat. I don’t know.

Also why is everyone so young. All these new musicians are little babies. Why aren’t there any 50 yr olds new to the music scene and making hits, becoming major stars.

I’ve talked a lot about boys in therapy.

I’m not sure if it’s helping but maybe it is.

I don’t know.

I went camping up in the mountains for a few days, I just felt the call. Come join us sister.

I’ve never been camping by myself. It was so much better than camping with others. I want to do it more often and in more remote places.

It was stage 1 fire restriction so I was allowed to have a fire in the camp site’s permanent built in fire pit.

Why is fire so amazing.

I kissed the flame. burned my arm. Because of course I did.

I did some witchy stuff, little rituals and some journaling, a few other things I won’t talk about. Made love to the darkness and laughed at man’s sins.

My camp site was right next to the river so I had the sound of running water all day and night, sometimes that’s all a tired brain and a tired body needs.

I shiver with delight I shiver with fear.

Also, I started therapy. Sigh.