Birds of a feather

In early spring I put up a hummingbird feeder. There has been exactly zero birds, humming or otherwise, interested in the feeder. Made me kind of sad. But whatever. You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make birds drink your frigging red sugar beverage.

But today I saw, for the first time, hummingbirds at my feeder! Two of them. It made me very happy. Because a) it was my bday and b) hummingbirds were my mom’s favorite. So it’s like my mom was wishing me a happy bday, from the great hummingbird feeder in the sky.

Thanks mom. I miss you.

It’s a merry go round

I was in a real low place the other night but I’m slightly better tonight. still angry and still sad and still confused but more stable.

This is how it goes though, right? You’re up then down. You have all the attention and then you have none. You have sexy sex times and then you have baggy clothes on the couch watching bob’s burgers times. It’s all in rotation.

Not sure where I’m currently at in the cycle. Kinda horny. Kinda lonely. Kinda bored. Kinda annoyed. Kinda tired. Kinda kind of.

I’ve grown really close to a colleague the past six months. She’s much younger than me, but we have really connected. She’s kind of like the daughter I never had and I’m the mother she always wanted. She’s helped me through some shit and I’ve helped her and she brings a new youthful perspective to my ridiculous life. We are on different journeys in very different phases of our lives but some things in a woman’s life are eternal.

The boys go to MA next week. Normally this is my favorite time of year. Freedom! Quiet! The whole apartment to myself! no one asking what’s for dinner. I’m cleaning up after me and only me. All the smells will be my own. But I’m feeling a little anxious about it. I don’t want them gone. They’re my little crew and having them around is my stable ground. Without them I’m afraid I’m going to float up and away into oblivion.

I love living in Colorado. It’s expensive as fuck but it’s gorgeous. Even pics with my old crappy phone from boring old parking lots seem majestic to me.

A sun setting behind the safety of clouds
A sliver of the waxing moon pinned among the shifting shades of dusk

I swear one day I’ll sleep normal. One day. When i am dead.

(Psychos by Jenny Lewis has been the theme song of my life the past 15 months or so.)

Excuse me while I puke for infinity and then jump into a volcano

You would think after 60 years of being a female and interested in men, I would know better. I would be smarter. I would have a firmer grip on reality. I would not get myself into these lousy situations. I would be a calm, confident bad ass bitch.

But nope. Not at all. I’m a dummy and a fool and I keep making the same mistakes over and over. I learn nothing.

I am tired. And I don’t want to do this anymore. I don’t want to think about sex and love and relationships and connection and emotional needs. I don’t want a man. I don’t want a woman. I want to just be alone with my music and my defeat.

But I promise you this. I will forever remain #coolgirl. he won’t see this. He won’t know. This wrenching anguish. Never. No one will. I’ll keep it here, my secret, my life raft, it’s mine, for me.

Both my boys are gone tonight and normally I love this. but tonight, tonight it feels lonely and I have this ache that I don’t want.

Fuck. I need to go to sleep. I feel nauseous. My legs are itchy and twitchy. My brain is a lumpy potato. I don’t think there are any drugs left to get me to the other side. New ones need to be invented.

I ran out of Kleenex and have to use toilet paper which feels appropriate and perfect.

Tomorrow I’ll feel better.

I bought everything you sold me

Well I did it. I finally got a new car, nearly 6 months after the juke’s untimely demise.

It’s not new new. But it’s a 2023 and the newest fckn thing I’ve ever owned.

I’m not thrilled to have a car payment again I have to do a lot of finagling and curbing, but it’s nice to have my own car again. I was grateful to be able to share Ryland’s car, but it was time I grew up. Now I feel like a real person. Is the far culture in America loathsome and shameful? Yes. Do I love my car desperately? Yes. So I give a shit anymore about anything? No.

Sometimes I think “I don’t want to return this car back to the rental place” then I realize it’s mine mine all mine. Oh yeah, it’s a Mazda cx-5. I wanted the cx-30 actually; it was small and cute, like my sweet baby juke. But the dealership I bought it from only had two cx-30s available and neither one had a moonroof. I was unwilling to give that up so I just decided to move up a size to the cx-5. And now after driving it around for the past week, I see the benefits of a slightly large vehicle. It also has leather seats and really great tires (apparently, because people keep commenting on my rims and I barely even noticed who even cares about tires but boy do they look sharp).

Ain’t she pretty? A sort of slate blue grey color and she’s still squat and curvy like I like. I miss my juke but this is a nice distraction.

I got the weather mats and cargo liner. Now I just need my bruins license plate holder.

Ok ok ok enough about my dumb car.

What else what else. Former boys have returned, other boys have left again, too many wanting too much, and not enough of The One wanting more. Just give me all the drugs and let me watch bob’s burgers and crochet all night and day.

I have seen a couple of cool concerts so far this year and there are a handful more coming this summer and fall. Last year was hot heaux summer. This year might be hot heaux summer part duex. But for different reasons.

In sad news, Erik’s dog is about to die and I’m going over tomorrow to say my goodbyes. I got real close with that dog over the past few months and I am very sorry for him and his family. this is all just heartbreaking.

Good thing for me ginger is going to live forever and never die or get sick or have any heath problems ever. So I shall be spared this gut wrenching grief.

She the cutest sweetest bestest doggo ever.

We went for a nice easy little hike yesterday, out past red rocks, and she loved it. She wanted to go swimming so bad in the creek SO BAD, but the water was still real high and the current strong, I wasn’t letting her go. Also it’s a leash-only dog area.

God Colorado is beautiful.

I need money. I need lots of money.