I climb like peas and beans

A few months ago I purchased these little seed kits. One was lavender and one was… mint? Basil? I can’t remember. I threw away the boxes and I didn’t mark which one was which. Anyway they both started growing and I was excited. Then I dropped one and broke the little eggshell container and the soil went everywhere. I did my best to save it, replanted it in another container.

The one I didn’t break has been doing great. It remained in its little eggshell container and it’s lovely. I was really hoping it was the lavender one, because I like lavender a lot. It’s purple and it smells good.

But it’s not. It’s the mint/basil/other one.

The lavender one is trying though. It’s trying real hard. I don’t know why it’s not doing as well. Maybe I put it in a too-large container after I dropped it?

But look. It’s not dead. It’s not dead! Not yet anyway. Maybe I should try moving it to a smaller container but I’m afraid I’ll shatter whatever delicate constitution has kept it alive up till now. So I’ll just keep watering it and sunning it and giving it a little plant food now and then. And I guess just be glad the dumb mint/basil/whatever one is thriving. Whatever.

I have some other news. Hanging on my balcony are two little lanterns, really just for decoration, they serve no useful purpose.

ONLY NOW THEY DO.

One of the lanterns has a glass pane missing (cause I broke it, breaking things is what I do) and a little bird found its way inside and built a nest. I am very excited about this. You don’t even know. At first I enjoyed watching her bring all the nest-making bits, leaves and twigs and tufts of stuff. That took maybe a week. And now I enjoy watching her sit in it. She’ll leave for a little while and then come back and then just sit there. It’s really very stupid how much I like this, how interested I am in it. No one is allowed to go out there right now because I don’t want them disturbing or stressing her out. I mean, I can go out there, because I’m like the guardian and the bird knows this of course, she trusts me, I’m sure of it.

I know there will probably be a lot of bird shit all over the balcony soon enough. But guess what I don’t even care I just love having a nest there, all private and quiet and safe.

Can you see her? It is hard to get a picture. But do you see her? Her little tiny bird head. I love her. I love her so much.

So these are the things I’m focusing on right now. My little budding plants and my little tiny bird. It is soothing to me, like a cold wet washcloth on my hot feverish forehead.

It is hard not to be sad right now, crippled by fury and helplessness. But if I can just keep these plants alive… if I can help this bird keep her eggs safe… well then, that’s something. That is something.


Layers

This world is shit and it depresses the hell out of me and I hate everyone and everything. A gazillion awful things happen every second and why even bother waking up.

But then there’s my 10YO, who yesterday referred to the shelves in my bookcase as layers. And it was so sweet to me, just so simple and innocent, the layers of my bookcase? it made a flutter in my heart. How dumb right? But don’t you think it’s sweet? Don’t you just ache from the sweetness of it? I don’t have shelves of books, I have layers of books, and well, I love it. Why do I find this so tender? I don’t know. But I do and it just kills me. I want us to stay in our own little bubble forever, where nothing dirty can get in and ruin us. I mean it’s too late right. I know. we are all already ruined. Broken and charred. But I’m just going to hold this memory for a little longer, because I like it so much, it makes me feel less angry, for a breath or two.


Working from home

They are having a contest at work for the best home office. Everyone’s been posting pictures with little notes on it about their setup. I wasn’t going to do it. Then I changed my mind.

Because of course I want to share my space with all my coworkers and have them judge me. Of course I do.

For tips and suggestions on how to make YOUR home office as functional and beautiful as mine, I offer this: First, fuck off. Second, suck a bag of dicks. And finally, who fucking cares.

I really I hope I win that gift card. Fingers crossed!