I don’t suck, I’m just majorly misguided with bad priorities.

I am a good person (I think?) who means well (usually) and tries her best (sort of, sometimes) but also I am kind of a garbage human who makes questionable decisions and poor choices on the regular.

But I am friends with a lot of good, wonderful people that I adore and admire and respect. if these people can tolerate me and all my bullshit nonsense, if they dare I say LIKE me, then there must be something of value underneath this gross skin sack I’m stuck in. Right?

So I guess I can spend the rest of my life feeling crummy and ashamed, hating myself. or I can just finally let go of the self loathing and get on with it.

Is it possible to have both? Because I love nothing as much as I love viciously criticizing every single part of my existence. Can I have that AND still be a functioning, motivated member of the human race? Can a modern lady truly have it all?


There’s always a side door here in the dark

I have never watched the video for oh baby till tonight, till right now, and now you should watch it, too

This song happens to me in between the spaces. In the blinks, the breaths, the moment when awake becomes asleep, in the watery depths.

And then when American dream plays, it’s like a gut punch and do you think it’s true what he says? That you kiss and you clutch but you can’t fight that feeling that your one true love is just awaiting your big meeting

I like falling asleep with windswept thoughts and dreams.


Your behavior jyn erso is continually unexpected

Rogue One is a continually unexpected and underrated film in the Star Wars universe. It is pure perfection. It has everything you could ever want or need and I love it so much, maybe as much as the force awakens, maybe even more.

“Keep it tight and watch out for those towers.”

Name me one flaw in that movie. Just one. You can’t. You cannot. Okay possibly you might say when they decided to add “A Star Wars Story” to the title, but that is hardly a flaw, just a dumb decision. And who calls it that? No one. it’s just Rogue One.

“Your highness… What is it they’ve sent us?”

hope.


I should be asleep

But I’m not because the dog is in bed next to me, methodically chewing and tearing apart one of her toys. While this would have been annoying a week or two ago, tonight I am grateful. She has been an absolute wreck for the past week, with the boys gone and summer thunderstorms rolling in. I’ve never seen her so anxious, so stressed, so scared. It has been a rough week for both of us.

So I’m happy to have her here in bed with me, keeping me awake, acting her normal spaz self again, fluff hanging out of her mouth. More storms are due in the next day or two but for now I’m appreciating this little respite.

You know, I did not get a dog to supplant or add to my constant worry over the children. But that is what has happened.

But really tho I do need to sleep. Make me sleep. Work your magic. Sing me songs, tell me bedtime stories, stroke my hair, whisper secrets, make everything okay.

Maybe we’ll see each other in my dreams.