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I’m curious what goes through a man’s brain when he decides it’s a good idea to take a close up of his dick next to a Mountain Dew can and then post that to his dating app profile. is he being serious? Is it funny? Is it for size comparison? Did Mountain Dew sponsor him? What the hell was he thinking?

It didn’t get me to respond to him but I guess it got my attention? Since I’m here talking about it.

The real question is what the hell is wrong with me. My god. Here I am anxiously fretting over my face scars and stretch marks and this is what’s on the other side? For crying out loud. These men would be lucky to get five minutes of my time.

I don’t even like Mountain Dew. it’s gross.

I’m really struggling with these lousy dating apps and I think I’ve finally figured out why. because on some level, I’m looking for him. or a version of him at least. I will never find it. I know this. None of these men are Simon. But like, it’s not even close.

And holy shit are they boring. So mind numbingly boring.

Look I know I’m being ridiculous. And I understand I UNDERSTAND that it took years to develop our connection. but even at the beginning, at the very very beginning, he had something these idiots just don’t have.

I don’t know what it is exactly, he was one of a kind, but you’d think I could find someone a little funny? A tiny bit smart? One guy with half his cleverness. He surely must exist. Somewhere?

Hmm. Maybe the problem is that I’m the boring one.

Nah. just silly. I am nothing but flaws but one thing I know I am not is boring.

So maybe if I could define it, I could find it. How do I define it. List off his qualities that I enjoyed? Fück that this isn’t a Simon fan club.

And besides, that won’t accomplish anything. He was more than just a list. I could write down every last thing I loved about him and I still wouldn’t have an answer.

So I need to lower my expectations/standards then. Right? But why should I have to settle? Don’t I deserve someone like that? (Fuck off yes I do.)

But if I don’t settle, then I’ll never again taste the warmth of salty skin, or feel the tips of someone else’s fingers dipping into wetness, or get lost in the deafening pleasure.

Settle or wither. Settle or wither.

I’ll listen to you.

I tried to make a “sexy” video for someone and it turned out great, just so great. (Note: it did not turn out great)

I mean wow. Just wow.

It’s possible that I may never have sex again. which is fine. who even needs sex. It’s stupid and dumb and I don’t care.

Let’s talk about something else. How about those bruins! What a season so far, I’m all heart- and star-eyed emojis.

DON’T YOU JUST LOVE IT.

I was so distraught when they fired Cassidy. It didn’t make any sense. Don Sweeney had lost his damn mind. But he knew what he was doing and I’m happy to admit how wrong I was. I still like Cassidy and I am pleased to see him succeeding in Vegas. But man, was Jim Montgomery the magic elixir we needed.

I am slightly uncomfortable being the top team in the league. Not just because of the President’s trophy curse. But every night, with all the attention and every team revved up and trying to beat you… it’s stressful. Flying under the radar is the way to go.

At the same time, I want it to keep going, to keep winning, to be the best. I don’t want it to ever stop, I want to dominate everyone and everything and I want that cup.

HOW ABOUT THOSE BRUINS.

Maybe this is the year I finally get my B’s tattoo. Right over my big fat stupid face.

I went to the gym today for the first time in a long time. It was quite enjoyable, except for I think the guy on the machine next to me recorded me.

He picked up his phone at one point and tapped something and then held it in his hand at a weird angle, with his camera pointed directly at me. He held it like that for about 20-30 seconds. Then he brought it up, tapped something again, and set his phone back on the machine.

It could have been a coincidence or even just me projecting my anxiety. But it felt weird. And I noticed him looking at me and my display a few times. So in my mind, it seems likely that he was recording me.

maybe he thought I was so attractive and he wanted to remember me forever?

But it was probably more because I looked like I was dying? The fat girl with the bright, tomato-red face, going SO SLOW but huffing and puffing and heaving.

Honestly, it didn’t really bother me. Not then and not now. because I am old and don’t care anymore about a lot of things, and I especially don’t care about assholes at the gym. I was having a good time.

BUT STILL. it’s not cool to record or take photos of other people in the gym.

Except for that one time, back in dorchester, when I took a picture of a guy in the gym. But look. It’s not my fault. He was just so hot. So so hot. and yeah, I was a total creep, sitting there on my treadmill, getting all sweaty in places that don’t have sweat glands as I watched him doing his sexy sexy pull ups. But it couldn’t be helped. If you saw him you would have understood. Plus, I LOVED HIM VERY VERY MUCH.

I don’t think the guy today loved me, not even a tiny little bit.

I do feel a little embarrassed, starting back up at the gym again in January, with all the “new year, new me” people, but what can you do.

I am still a little worried about Covid, too. I wore my mask. But I am extremely out of shape and ended up taking it off about five mins into my workout. It was either that or pass out from lack of oxygen. That would have given the guy something really worth recording.