So we have just entered into the fourth year of our Colorado life. Crazy, right? It’s been three long, very short years.
Ry has started his senior year. My sweet, peculiar, precious little bean, 17 now, in his last year of childhood. My catcher in the rye my Ryland island my king of night vision my king of insight.
Hold on a quick second while I throw up endlessly forever until I die.
And my little baby zucchini? Well, nickel tickle has begun the shit show that is middle school. Sigh. no more elementary school sweetness for us. not anymore. No siree, from here on in it’s all grossness and rudeness and betrayalness and heartbreakness and pubertyness.
Hold on a quick second while I cry endlessly forever until I die.
But for reals though, how did I get here? To this state. To this age. To these milestones. To this moment. what has happened.
I don’t think I know how I feel about any of this. Has the pandemic robbed me of all emotion? Is being so wretchedly old robbed me of all emotion? Are the imploding fractal nightmares of this miserable world robbing me of all emotion?
I do not know. But it doesn’t really matter now, does it. Feelings. Sheesh. EYE ROLL.
But I can say one thing for certain: I like living in Colorado.
I think. I think I like living here. Maybe I don’t. But I think I do. Maybe I do. I probably do.
Perhaps 3am on a school night is a bad time to consider these things? In four hours I’ll be dropping them off at school; taking ginger on her morning walk; falling asleep at my work computer; stress pooping because why not; obsessively playing the Harry Potter game on my phone until I am 300% numb; questioning why I am unable to make an omelette; cursing your name.
I broke something on my site and I can’t get my images to load correctly. But if my images were loading correctly, here is where I would put a picture of you that recently popped up on my phone, under the guise of “memories”, and let me tell you it was a real gut punch. I was not ready to see your face like that. When I go LOOKING for your face that’s one thing but when I’m just idly going about my day and my phone decides to turn me upside down by saying “hey girl, yoohoo! Lookie here. remember this? Good times right? lol you stupid cow.” And really it is just not fair. And no I won’t delete the pictures. A) they are mine and b) are you insane? What is even the POINT of depression and loneliness if I do healthy things like eliminate triggers?
Oh. Great. It’s 4am now. #coolcoolcoolcoolcool #coolcoolcool