Christa vs. Mother

I’m sure that I’m not the first woman worried that she is going to become someone else now that she’s about to have a baby.

I could have found a better way to word that sentence.

My point is that for 30 years now, I’ve been CJM. My one role in life was to be her. It was my only responsibility. Sometimes I was very good at it and sometimes I was very bad at it.

But now...well, now everything is different. Now I am Mother. I don’t want to lose being Christa, but I am very aware that there are many parts of her that I can’t keep, that I have to let go, because otherwise there would be too much incongruence. I just hope that I don’t change too much, cause I kind of like who I am. I am convinced that being a mother will make be a better Christa, a kinder, gentler, happier and saner Christa, but I don’t want to get too gentle or too kind or too sane.

Being a mother will be just another facet to my identity, albeit an amazing one. I just don’t want to be defined by motherhood. I know it happens, I’ve done it myself in the past to other people, as if being a mom is the only thing a person can be, as if all other aspects of her personality cease to exist with the arrival of a baby. Still, I can think of nothing else that has made me feel as complete and whole as this pregnancy.

I went shopping last night and bought a lot of baby things that I need. Then I brought it all home and opened it up and looked at it and smelled it and held it and it FREAKS ME OUT that this stuff is all mine. For MY baby. Who will be hopping down the bunny trail very soon now. I am taking all of this one day at a time because if I think about it too much my brain hurts. But despite my worries and fears, I am aware of something and it comforts. For all my years walking this world, I know that the universe isn’t going to give me more than I can handle.

I’m thinking about doing a really cheesy sappy thing and writing my baby a letter to put in his baby box for when he gets older. It’s lame, I know, but I still think I’m going to do it.

It really bothers me that one of my favoritest rolling stones songs is in a coke commercial. I really don’t think the stones were thinking about lower-carb soda when they wrote You Can't Always Get What You Want. And if they were, well may the sun have pity on us all.

Currently playing: Lady by Little River Band. God DAMN if I don’t love this effing song. Next up: Danny’s Song (Loggins and Messina). I sing it to Ryland all the time and think of his daddy, because damn if those boys aren’t lucky to have me.