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August 17, 2004

Christa vs. Mother

Iím sure that Iím not the first woman worried that she is going to become someone else now that sheís about to have a baby.

I could have found a better way to word that sentence.

My point is that for 30 years now, Iíve been CJM. My one role in life was to be her. It was my only responsibility. Sometimes I was very good at it and sometimes I was very bad at it.

But now...well, now everything is different. Now I am Mother. I donít want to lose being Christa, but I am very aware that there are many parts of her that I canít keep, that I have to let go, because otherwise there would be too much incongruence. I just hope that I donít change too much, cause I kind of like who I am. I am convinced that being a mother will make be a better Christa, a kinder, gentler, happier and saner Christa, but I donít want to get too gentle or too kind or too sane.

Being a mother will be just another facet to my identity, albeit an amazing one. I just donít want to be defined by motherhood. I know it happens, Iíve done it myself in the past to other people, as if being a mom is the only thing a person can be, as if all other aspects of her personality cease to exist with the arrival of a baby. Still, I can think of nothing else that has made me feel as complete and whole as this pregnancy.

I went shopping last night and bought a lot of baby things that I need. Then I brought it all home and opened it up and looked at it and smelled it and held it and it FREAKS ME OUT that this stuff is all mine. For MY baby. Who will be hopping down the bunny trail very soon now. I am taking all of this one day at a time because if I think about it too much my brain hurts. But despite my worries and fears, I am aware of something and it comforts. For all my years walking this world, I know that the universe isnít going to give me more than I can handle.

Iím thinking about doing a really cheesy sappy thing and writing my baby a letter to put in his baby box for when he gets older. Itís lame, I know, but I still think Iím going to do it.

It really bothers me that one of my favoritest rolling stones songs is in a coke commercial. I really donít think the stones were thinking about lower-carb soda when they wrote You Can't Always Get What You Want. And if they were, well may the sun have pity on us all.

Currently playing: Lady by Little River Band. God DAMN if I donít love this effing song. Next up: Dannyís Song (Loggins and Messina). I sing it to Ryland all the time and think of his daddy, because damn if those boys arenít lucky to have me.

Posted by christa at August 17, 2004 07:13 PM


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