live, love, loafe

June 16, 2004

I Give Up.

This entry is going to be nothing but me bitching and moaning, so youíd probably do best to skip reading it today.

So. Here I am at home, and have been for 3 weeks now. And Iíve been trying very hard, so very hard, to be nice and understanding and minimize the discomforts for my parents of me being here. I know that it is not easy having me here and everyoneís routine is messed up, so I am trying. But it just isnít working. I am butting my head against a brick wall and as I stand here with blood streaming down my face, all they can manage to do is criticize, that my blood isnít red enough or thick enough or gushing out like it should be, I canít even bleed right, what is wrong with me.

My mother hasnít stopped being Ms. Bitch Royale since I got here; thinking every little thing I do, like breathing for instance, is some grand conspiracy against her. She acts so horribly utterly INCONVENIENCED by my presence (yet my other sisters and their kids can spend months at time here and she rejoices like itís the goddamned second coming). Her big problem is that, after almost DYING last year from a heart attack and subsequent quadruple bypass surgery, she has started smoking again. Only she thinks she is doing it secretly and no one knows. She must really think weíre idiots. Anyway, so now with me around constantly she is forced to go to even greater lengths to hide it. She looks horrible, she is being sneaky and bitchy because she knows she shouldnít be doing it, and takes it out on everyone around her, but mostly me, as if I am to blame for every one of her problems, as if I alone am the sole reason for her unhappiness and poor health. And you know what? I donít care anymore. If she wants to kill herself with those fucking cigarettes and blame me for her miseries, then so be it. Itís her life and I am sick and tired of feeling responsible and bad about HER choices. Itís pretty sad when you get to the point that you begin to wonder how much better off everyone might be right now had she actually died last year.

As for my father, well, he isnít so annoying, heís mostly harmless, but he never has anything nice or positive to say about me or anything concerning my life. I must have been a really rotten child to induce such loathing and disappointment from them. And all he does is watch TV all day long, which really gets on my nerves. How can anyone possibly watch that much TV without dying or committing suicide? I really donít understand. From morning until night, that TV is on, buzzing and hissing and eating away my sanity, and he sits in that chair doing nothing. What my father needs is a job, because if I have to hear one more time about how broke my parents are I am going to scream. No one seems to have a problem complaining to me about MY lack of a job or the manner in which I spend what little money I have, but god forbid they turn the spotlight on themselves.

AHHHH. Itís just making me nuts, like unbelievably crazy I-am-going-to-rip-out-every-blood-vessel-in-my-body nuts. This is why I left! This is why I moved as far away as I could from these people. They hate me, I hate them, and weíre fine with that arrangement when I am living thousands of miles away.

I have a job interview tomorrow, so hopefully I will be able to move out ASAP and the tension will ease up and I can see these people as little as humanly possible.

And if I donít find a job soon Iím in big trouble. The money I had managed to save is disappearing quickly. And nothing new is coming in, which is very stressful. I thought I was broke before? HA! I was living like queen of the world in Boston. Reality can be so cruel, so so cruel. I have no idea whatís going to happen when I have to stop working to have the baby. Maybe I can sell a kidney or something.

Also, are people getting my emails? Because no one is writing me back and Iím feeling lonely.

Posted by christa at June 16, 2004 10:29 PM


hey - i am not getting your emails. i wrote you back like on monday and nothing! did you write to me? I need to call you anyway because after 9 it is free for me, that way you wont rack up any long distance on your parents phone. isn't it funny how parents are? when you live away from them you get tricked into thinking, "Gee, they weren't that bad, it must have been me." then you spend a little more time with them than 3 days or so, and they are back to their old tricks. And, it seems even worse because you aren't used to putting up with their shit, and it makes it unbearable.

Posted by: gina at June 17, 2004 08:38 AM

I haven't gotten an emails lately. I'm sorry you are so miserable! Come up to Phx and spend a few days with me!

Posted by: Marianne at June 17, 2004 10:06 AM

I haven't gotten any e mails, either. But that's probably because you hate me.

Posted by: Tiffany at June 17, 2004 12:50 PM

I thought you didn't love me anymore. I feel
better. Phew! Big sigh of relief..unless of
course you haven't written me back and I wasn't
just paranoid for nothing and perhaps you really
did forget about me and was ignoring my emails.
I'll stop now.

Posted by: Neila at June 17, 2004 03:31 PM

Ahh the joys of Arizona.

Posted by: Pernicious at June 17, 2004 09:37 PM

I'm a bad email-replier - notorious for leaving mail unreplied to for up to 12 months on multiple occassions. Cyber-hugs for the family-induced trauma though. :o)

Posted by: Flip at June 19, 2004 12:43 PM


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