live, love, loafe

March 27, 2004

My dirty streets.

I am very afraid of something.

What if my baby doesnít fill up this hole? Here I am thinking she will, depending on it, but what if she doesnít? What if she comes along and she is perfect and lovely and amazing, but still, inside, Iím just an empty wasteland?

Because letís face it folks, sheís really my only hope, my last chance, the final countdown, after this, itís game over.

Already I love her more than I ever imagined possible and I may just be setting both of us up for a lot of sadness. I am putting such burdens on her, such expectations. She is a baby not my savior and I am terrified Iím going to screw it up. And this is the one thing that I absolutely positively cannot fuck up. How the hell am I going to grow up and be the unselfish, sane, rational being that I need to be in 5 months? I havenít been able to do it in 29 years.

I can only hope that I am stronger and better than I think. Just do my best, I guess.

But I am still so very scared.

Posted by christa at March 27, 2004 12:00 AM

Comments'll be able to do all those things because you'll be a mother. That's just the way it works. I know people who have had babies, and they all say that the first thing that happens is you re-evaluate everything. Everything you thought bothered you before won't anymore, because you'll have this innocent baby to love. (If I sound like I know what I'm talking about, I don't--this is just what I've been told).

And she will fill you with happiness. Like I said, your priorities will be completely different. Just try not to worry about stuff like this.

Posted by: Jamie at March 27, 2004 01:59 AM

Listen, lady. You're going to be a GREAT mother. Why? Because you're a GREAT person. You and Tiffany Jr. have nothing to worry about because finally the two of you will have exactly what you've been searching for your entire lives.... eachother.

Besides, you won't even have enough time to worry about this stuff, because you'll be too busy chasing me after I've run off with Tiffany Jr.


Posted by: Tiffany at March 27, 2004 11:33 AM

Its impossible to say the following without sounding harsh. I, as you may remember, grew up in a home with a mother that had emotional problems.
She is a man hating co-dependent. She allowed an alcoholic, violent and abusive father torment her children. She did this because she had a low self opinion of herself and could never deal with the real world either inside or outside of the house. As long as he worked and ensured that lucrative Illinois Bell pension he had full reign to yell, scream, drink and punch. The consequences of her actions and inactions caused many of her children to suffer enormously. No amount of money can heal the kind of wounds that such an environment creates. Even though there are 10 college degrees amongst us and all of my siblings live very well at least financially, the amount of dysfunction is staggering.
You have an advantage Christa. You are educated,
literate and have access to services and information never before dreamed of. If you suspect that your emotional problems could negatively impact your soon to be offspring, it is your duty to acquire the type of help that the situation requires. Once you have the child, your
problems are no longer someone elses fault and perhaps occaisionaly entertaining, they become your fault and perhaps even criminal.
I only wish the best for you and your child.

Posted by: DG at March 28, 2004 04:27 PM

You don't have to suddenly become super-mum as soon as the baby is born.
When junior comes along u both grow in to it together, its part of the whole process.
Not to mention the fact that when you do have bubs, trust me - u won't have too much spare time or energy to be worrying about that kind of stuff, you just have to get on with it and hopefully you will enjoy it.
I have 6 weeks to go till I have my third little guy and I am 30 years old and still struggling with trying to find who I am myself. Having a baby doesn't answer those questions, it just puts you on a different path, shows you a side to yourself you never would have known and if u love the baby now and are excited, its a good sign.
Just go with the flow, thats all u can really do, but don't have grand expectations that your life will suddenly feel complete, it doesn't quite happen like that. Enjoy it and grow with it. :-)

Posted by: Fi at March 28, 2004 08:25 PM


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