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My friend and I have come up with a translation guide for tinder.

“No drama” = you better not have any needs, I will not be meeting any of them

“Ask me anything” = you will be expected to hold up the entire conversation, which will be all about me

“Everyone on here is fake prove me wrong” = I am both unpopular and rude (and probly ugly)

“Prefer someone who is active” = no fat girls

“Love to travel” and listing all the places = I want you to think I’m wealthy

“Looking for a partner in crime” = I’m both boring and stupid without an original thought in my head

“Dark sense of humor” = I can say awful shit to you and it’s okay.

“Why so serious?” = you should smile more

“2A” = you will never be safe with me.

Beware when all of their interests are some form of exercise ( “gym, working out, hiking, running, cycling”). they are insufferable and dull as fuck.

And when they start a chat with “so how was your day”? Just. shoot. me.

“Great weather we’re having!” shoot me again. I’m not going to talk to you about the god damn weather.

I do like tinder though. I mean, I fucking hate it but also I have a binder full of men and I love it.

In related news, I am totally gonna have a date with this guy. I’ve been really wanting someone to teach me all about finance and, more importantly, bitcoin.

I hate hockey and sports and everyone and everything and Florida is such a stupid fucking state and the world is lame and I’m never watching hockey again and fuck you and fuck off and eat shit and motherfucking son of a goddamn bitch.

It snowed today. It made me very annoyed. To feel better about it, when I went to the gym, I did the IR sauna, the steam room AND the jacuzzi. So much sweaty warmth. It felt great. Then I came home and put on hockey and promptly fell asleep.

Sooooo. I think I am getting the brush off. Ugh. Even though he finally messaged and said he’d like to “plan a dinner.” I don’t think he means it. He just doesn’t want to say he’s not interested. Which is a bummer. I liked him. I didn’t think I would meet anyone I actually liked and then I did and he doesn’t like me.

what can you do. Such is life.

what if I never find anyone to like me ever again? Cause I gotta tell you, it’s beginning to feel like a very real possibility. I make jokes all the time about being alone forever, never having sex again. I didn’t actually believe it. Only now…well, I just don’t know.

Could it really just be my looks? God that is depressing.

It’s my mouth area. The pandemic mask-wearing helped, cause it covered the whole lower half. The part of my face that looks the oldest. See?

I’m pursing my lips here, but still. I didn’t used to look like this. And look at my neck! Everything used to be smooth. Now it’s all lumpy and saggy and squishy.

Sigh.

I need some heavy therapy. How do I learn to deal with getting (and looking) old? And finding self worth outside the attention of men? And believe that I deserve good things?

Or maybe it’s not my looks! maybe it’s my personality, and it’s just easier to blame my appearance.

I haven’t been to therapy in a long time and it worked before. It could work again. It would be nice not to feel so bad about myself all the time.

In the infrared sauna the other day they had these red lights on, which made my already prominent leg veins even more veiny. And while the red light was bad enough, when I did a black and white filter, holy crow. it made them look absolutely disgusting and I am obsessed.

Granted I do have a weird fascination with veins and blood. Because it’s true. something in my veins bloodier than blood.

Man I’m gonna have so many varicose veins when I get older. So so many.

Okay how long is too long to hear back from someone, after what you think was a good date? An hour? A day? A week? A year? I have no idea what he thought of me. Am I really that off my game? that I don’t even know anymore?

Argh. I hate this. I hate it so much