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We are in it now kids.

After a tender, sweet very intense night, we said WORDS to each other. Words were said.

Have I not learned from my beautiful thom. Don’t get sentimental.

It always ends up drivel.

I have a regular dream where I’m with Eddie at his place, when his wife comes home. Sometimes she finds me and sometimes she doesn’t, but in all the dreams we never actually have sex. We are about to or it’s clear we just finished. But last night was the first time (that I remember) where we actually had sex in the dream. So she comes home and I’m laying there under the sheet and it’s all so awful and I want a hole to swallow me up, and their kids are there too, only they are young still and ahhhh!!

I don’t know why I dreamed about him last night. HE IS DEAD TO ME.

And it can’t be out of guilt. I’m not even seeing any married dudes.

Get one of my head Eddie Turd Face. we are not interested in your dumb turd face.

Maybe it has to do with my tinder boyfriend I’m desperately in love with. he pushes me away and then pulls me right back in and I’m helpless to resist. It’s actually very annoying. Be cool christa. BE COOL.

I don’t want it to be just sex but I don’t want to be just friends but I don’t want to be in a relationship but I don’t want to be alone. I’ll be glad when this new relationship energy phase goes away and I can figure out how I actually feel.

Even though this feels different than the NRE I’ve experienced with other men. But I’m not going to think about this. I’m going to ignore it. All I’m feeling is new crush excitement and it’s transitory and I’m fine. You’re fine. We are all fine.

I don’t want a relationship. Everyone always says “you will when you meet the right person” and I roll my eyes and vomit right there in the streets.

But what do you do when you don’t want a relationship, and then you meet someone that maybe makes you want a relationship? First off, admitting those people were right is obnoxious and I refuse to do it. But also what if this want is so terrifying and gross and you’re so focused on it failing and being like everything else that you don’t even enjoy the good stuff, and you end up ruining it all anyway by being a neurotic idiot?

The answer is to remain firmly in the “I don’t want a relationship” place and ignore everything else: the voices in your head, the feelings in your gut, the tightening of the chest, the breathless encounters. so when it all comes crashing down (and it will) you can feel better knowing you didn’t want it anyway.

2023 is the year of the hot heaux summer and it’s gotten off to a decent start.

Most are casual. There’s one that is very much not casual (for me) but I do not know how to categorize it.

I’ve asked him to come to London with me in October. For ocean. I was only half serious when I suggested it. But he said yes. And I’m sure he’s only half serious too. But what if both our half seriouses makes a whole? not only would I be going to London, I would get to see ocean at end of lane, and with him. what if it did happen? What if that actually truly happened? How magical.

Okay stop it christa. You’re getting carried away, which is exactly what you’re supposed to be avoiding. I’m fine. He’s fine. It’s all fine. We are casual. There’s no emotional investment. We are rocks. We are islands. I don’t need him. I don’t need anyone.

Scanning through my profile, I look like such a bitch in all my photos. “Smile more” they say. I don’t want to smile more. I have a bitch face at rest and when I smile for real, I look like a total lunatic.

Marianne said to find my Mona Lisa smile.

Not quite there yet.

The more dates I go on the easier it gets. I’ve stopped feeling bad. Either you like me or you don’t. I’m not everyone’s cup of tea. But I’m cute. I’m funny. I can be sexy. Maybe not in conventional ways but that doesn’t make it any less valid.

After I come, and I’m laying there shaking and shuddering, he brings me in close, he’s in my ear, whispering, breathless, consuming, “I’m here, I’m here, it’s okay. We’re here. I’m here.” And he is.

I cannot get enough of him. It is the absolute best part of dating, this thrilling electric hum in my brain, vibrating into my nerves and skin and muscles.

I’m not going to worry about any of this. I’m not overly concerned about any of this.