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Soooo. I may have overreacted. I forget that everyone else is not as crazy and lunatic as I am.

After being intimate last night (for the first time in AGES), we got even more intimate. and I don’t know guys, I don’t know what is happening, but something is happening. Something really amazing. I am scared to talk about it because I don’t want to jinx it but I have to talk about it with you loafe, or else I will explode.

He might just be the guy. Or as close as I’m ever going to get.

Why do I think that? It’s a million things. It’s one thing. It’s none of the things and all of the things. I can’t explain it.

When I got on tinder, it was not for this. This is not what I was looking for. This is not what I was ready for. This is not possible. But here we are all the same. we found each other. He found me, I found him. Because, in its infinite wisdom, the universe decided this girl and that boy needed to be together.

This isn’t how my life works. I don’t ever get what I want.

This is my life:

So I’m feeling a lot of trepidation. Maybe he is my cookie, my sweet perfect delicious cookie. And I’m so happy. But I’m about to be kicked in the shin. And then have my sweet cookie taken away. I need to be careful that I don’t make it happen by being so scared of it happening. Maybe “fake it till you make it” works both ways.

I have a choice here. Continue questioning his feelings and live in a state of constant disbelief, fear and anxiety.

Or just fúcking accept that he likes me.

why is it so hard to believe that a quality man could find me desirable? Why can’t he think I’m cute? Funny? Creative? Sexy? Is it possible that I am those things, and is it possible that a man exists who sees it? And not just any man. A man who makes me feel like I haven’t felt in a long time. Maybe ever.

MAYBE EVER.

I want whatever he gives me. His time, his attention, his caring, his everything.

You know what else? I like the way I am around him. I like what he brings out in me. He makes me feel calm and capable and safe. He makes me feel like the person I am in my head. That means something right?

I don’t want to be hurt. It feels inevitable. But honestly, I think whatever pain will surely come is worth what I’m feeling now. Life is short. I’m gonna grab all the joy I can while I still can.

We haven’t had sex in over two weeks and I’m going crazy. He doesn’t want me anymore. He doesn’t find me attractive. He hates me and think I’m too old and too fat and too squishy. He deserves better than this grossness that is my body.

But we’re still texting at least. He’s still charming and sweet and funny and even says romantic things. but without the sex what does it even mean? Nothing! It means nothing!

Ugh. I’m so sick of finding my value and self-worth in a man and his opinion of me, his attraction to me. But mostly? I am sick of myself. How do I get away from my own brain, my own gaze, my own emotions. I need a break from me.

But regardless of my insecurities, no matter what is going on with him, I’m mot going anywhere. I won’t stop till it’s over. Till he says he’s done with me. Till he ends it.

While I fret and freak, let’s watch this video of the trees in WI. I love this.

I’m home now, after my trip to the Midwest. I visited with lots of family, new and old, familiar and strange.

I felt a lot of emotions during my trip. Good, bad, happy, sad. I’m still sorting and processing so maybe I’ll have more to say in a few days.

What I know for sure is that this summer has been particularly and spectacularly emotional for me and I’m on a Rollercoaster.

I loved being in Wisconsin. And now I love being home. I missed my bed and my ginger and my gym, my daily routine overall. But I especially missed him. Only shhhh I’m keeping this a secret.

I also got a new pair of shoes, which arrived today. I desperately needed them. And can I say how great they are? I love them more than life. And no it has nothing to do with the fact that they were recommended by him.

Now I sleep. more to come when I’ve had more rest and reflection.

Okay I found my new favorite gym class. Body combat! It’s kind of like kickboxing, the les mills version of it. I did it last night for the first time and I loved it so much. It was so fun.

Ugh how can I fit another class in my schedule! Ahhh!! I’m gonna have to double up on some days.

Gonna miss a few days of the gym cause we are headed to eau claire in a few hours for a good old fashioned Wisconsin family reunion. Probably gonna hang out with Justin Vernon. Gonna be real cool. See you in a few days! Cheese curds, here I come.