Sex magic and the hot heaux summer
2023 is the year of the hot heaux summer and it’s gotten off to a decent start.
Most are casual. There’s one that is very much not casual (for me) but I do not know how to categorize it.
I’ve asked him to come to London with me in October. For ocean. I was only half serious when I suggested it. But he said yes. And I’m sure he’s only half serious too. But what if both our half seriouses makes a whole? not only would I be going to London, I would get to see ocean at end of lane, and with him. what if it did happen? What if that actually truly happened? How magical.
Okay stop it christa. You’re getting carried away, which is exactly what you’re supposed to be avoiding. I’m fine. He’s fine. It’s all fine. We are casual. There’s no emotional investment. We are rocks. We are islands. I don’t need him. I don’t need anyone.
Scanning through my profile, I look like such a bitch in all my photos. “Smile more” they say. I don’t want to smile more. I have a bitch face at rest and when I smile for real, I look like a total lunatic.
Marianne said to find my Mona Lisa smile.
Not quite there yet.
The more dates I go on the easier it gets. I’ve stopped feeling bad. Either you like me or you don’t. I’m not everyone’s cup of tea. But I’m cute. I’m funny. I can be sexy. Maybe not in conventional ways but that doesn’t make it any less valid.
After I come, and I’m laying there shaking and shuddering, he brings me in close, he’s in my ear, whispering, breathless, consuming, “I’m here, I’m here, it’s okay. We’re here. I’m here.” And he is.
I cannot get enough of him. It is the absolute best part of dating, this thrilling electric hum in my brain, vibrating into my nerves and skin and muscles.
I’m not going to worry about any of this. I’m not overly concerned about any of this.