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September 03, 2004

Two weeks.

Happy birthday to my little turtlebug. Ryland is two weeks old today! (today being thursday.)

Tomorrow, September 3rd, was my due date. It’s a weird feeling for me, to look at these past two weeks, knowing he could have still been inside me the whole time.

I’ve come to the conclusion that the reason Ryland came two weeks before his due date was because he knew that if he got much bigger, he wouldn’t fit and he understood how important it was to avoid a c-section.

He was such a fussburger last night though, jesus. I think he had a little baby tummy ache. He didnít sleep, all he wanted was to be held and walked around. It was his first really restless night. Normally he wakes up, eats and goes back to sleep. I was dead exhausted and I got a wee bit frustrated with him. I kept falling asleep when he nursed and I wished for some fairy godmother to float in and take care of him for me so I could get some sleep. But we managed to get through it and he is doing much better tonight.

ooh, his umbilical cord fell off yesterday. Like the big dork I am, I saved it. I’m sure I’ll throw it away soon, but for now I want to keep it. It seems like such a big milestone. No more cord. It really does signal the end of the pregnancy.

Iíll admit to feeling a deep sadness, even grief, that my pregnancy is over. When I first came home, I couldnít even look at a pregnant woman or watch any of those baby shows on TV without completely losing it. And visiting the hospital for the first time? Boy, that was really difficult for me. I so wanted to still be pregnant and still have to go through the labor and delivery. I didnít want it to be over.

And those feelings made me feel very guilty and bad, that it somehow meant I wasnít happy that Ryland was here finally. That had nothing at all to do with it. Thank goddess I have Marianne, I talked about it with her and she really had some insightful and comforting things to say.

She helped me understand that because motherhood causes such sweeping, fundamental changes in who I am and how I see myself, I am now mourning not just the loss of pregnancy and childbirth, but the loss of the self I was before I became a mother. And she reminded me not to get too wrapped up in these feelings and let it take away from enjoying Ryland in these early weeks, because they go by so fast. He will never be this little again. And sheís right. Already heís at two weeks and heís changing every single day, every single minute, and I am reeling at how quickly the time goes by. I spend every single moment with him yet it doesnít seem like itís enough. Already I miss these early days.

I canít believe how consumed I am with Ryland. I canít even call it love, love seems like such a stupid useless word for what I feel, love is what you have for objects and places, but not this, not this deep burning fire radiating from every inch of me, love canít even begin to encompass that. Heís completely taken over my mind, my body and my soul and I couldnít be happier.

Posted by christa at September 3, 2004 05:27 AM

Comments

It sounds like such an awesome and almost spiritual experience, pregnancy. I used to think I never wanted to have kids, but the older I get, especially after I turned 30, I think about what I would be missing, if I didnt and I hate to admit it but those little suckers are starting to grow on me. The thought of this little human life growing inside you, wow! I hope someday i'll find out for myself. I'm glad you have your friend Marianne to discuss it with and she's right! enjoy every second of every minute of every day of his life and know that a piece of you will now continue to live on, after you're gone. I think that's incredible. You're a MOM! Christa. OHMIGOD!!! you're like a real grown up now. Zoinks! :-)

Posted by: celly belly at September 3, 2004 12:02 PM

I've always hated the phrase "Thank Goddess". It just seems so dorky. I mean, there's nothing specifically masculine about the word "God", it doesn't imply gender. It's like people who spell Women with a Y. Dorks.

Posted by: Jonathan at September 3, 2004 12:37 PM

I think jonathan is looking for a good ass-kicking, that's what I think.

Posted by: christa at September 3, 2004 05:18 PM

Yes, I agree with Jonathon, this is very dorky of you Christa. And no, I am not looking for an ass-kicking, but you are very cool otherwise :)

Posted by: gina at September 3, 2004 05:24 PM

Jonathan speaks from the very priviledged position of the person who happens to be society's preferred gender. Language always seems trivial to those who see their own reflection in it.

Posted by: Marianne at September 3, 2004 06:51 PM

Au contraire, I'm all for people monkeying with gender stereotypes in the language (it's the curse of having taken several Womyn's Studies courses at UCI). I really just don't think there's anything inheirently "Male" about God. To me, God's just a genderless noun, like "Tree" or "wall". I certainly don't "see my own reflection" in the word God. But go ahead, dork it up, it's your website.

Posted by: Jonathan at September 4, 2004 07:35 PM

Right, you have the priviledge of seeing the word "god" as a genderless noun. That's exactly my point.

Posted by: Marianne at September 4, 2004 07:41 PM

I like saying goddess. It makes me feel very good.

Posted by: christa at September 5, 2004 06:34 PM

Uh... don't we ALL have that privilege? There is no implied gender in the word God; it's a descriptive for a class of being, like "dog" or "cenobyte". Just because people have crafted a feminized version (as they did for "waiter" or "actor") doesn't automatically assign masculine gender to the original word.

Posted by: Jonathan at September 8, 2004 01:30 PM

 

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