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July 19, 2004

Screw mornings.

If any of you are wondering why I am posting at 7:00am, well, itís because I have a crappy life.

Anyway.

So, the Big Day is done and over and passed without fanfare, pomp, circumstance or any of those things. Very uneventful. I did nothing special. In fact, I did what could probably be described as the exact opposite of special. And it didnít really bother me at all. Which is pretty depressing I guess. I mean, you only turn 30 once and I had wanted to make it nice, make it memorable, just to have that, you know? I always let the big moments in life pass me by. But then the day came and I just sort of felt indifferent to it all. Whatís even more depressing is that I donít even care that I didnít do anything fantastic.

So I guess it bothered me a little, but I think what Iím feeling is grief over my 20s and all the wasted opportunities and all my fuck-ups and bad choices. I need to get together with Marianne and she needs to guide me to some spiritual enlightenment, because I need it real bad.

I am going to briefly examine my two most recent bad choices: a) moving back to Arizona and b) choosing Tucson over Phoenix. I should have stayed in Boston. What I was expecting to happen here and what actually transpired are miles apart. I suppose the only way of knowing this outcome was to actually come here and experience it, but itís still very disappointing. And even though I hate Phoenix, I probably would have been able to find a good job and a place to live and been far away enough from my parents to be okay. And I would have been close to Marianne and she is so good for my soul that I wonder why I donít just chop her into pieces and eat her.

Iíve seriously enjoyed my friends though. Those are some good people. Theyíve kept me sane and together and hopeful. But I gotta admit, itís not easy to stay cheerful and optimistic and happy around them, which is what I am trying very hard to do, because who wants to hang out with a depressed whiny pregnant woman? And I am tired of putting them out all the time, asking them for help, bothering them, screwing up their routines. I really hate relying on other people.

I was finally starting to feel okay in Boston. Can a place really make a person depressed? Can being back in Tucson, back in this house, back around my parents, make me depressed? Or was the depression just hiding around back there in my head, waiting for me to notice it again?

I donít know, but I do know that I refuse to let depression take over my life again. I refuse. It can put on all the pretty party dresses it wants and waltz all over the room showing off its panties, but I am not going to give in. No. Unless theyíre purple panties. I am a sucker for purple panties.

In happier news, I finally have something to outshine my breasts: my huge belly. My breasts look tiny in comparison.

Posted by christa at July 19, 2004 10:15 AM

Comments

Oh, you say that about your boobs now. Wait till the tummy re-shrinks itself (gotta love my *technical* terms) and you're nursing. They'll be huge, and I'll be sitting all the way over here in BC, gawking at them.

Try to stay optimistic... remember that soon you'll have a newborn to keep you smiling. Or busy, anyways.

And happy birthday!

Posted by: Jamie at July 19, 2004 01:35 PM

Sweetie, it's not too late, is it? I mean, you can still move to phoenix, right? Just start looking for a job here, all the classifieds from the Republic are on line at www.azcentral.com. Just have that baby, find a job here in phoenix and everything will be okay. Okay? Okay. I agree completely that phoenix is the perfect place. Yeah, it is kind of shit hole of a city, but it is just far enough away from your parents and still close enough, you know? Trust me, Chris and I have both been the perfect distance from our parents for the past eleven years.

Posted by: Marianne at July 19, 2004 06:26 PM

A place *can* depress a person, believe me, but I think when it comes down to the crunch, it's all about outlook more than anything else. I've been down in the dumps lately, looking at could've beens and should've beens way too much, and it was only when I started actively finding the best in every situation that I was able to feel happier. But hey, you know that already I'm sure. :o)

So go out and do something random, something spontaneous - enjoy the moments, and stop looking outside for happiness, because it's all in you. I'll stop projecting Oprah...now. Hehe.

Posted by: Flip at July 23, 2004 03:57 AM

 

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