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Alright, I’m feeling much better. I was a little desolate last night, but I’m being gentle with myself today. And with him. Because it’s okay. He’s allowed to change his mind and set boundaries and do what is best for him, the why of it doesn’t really matter.

And I’m allowed to feel sad about it. I am allowed to miss him. It feels good to miss him. It’s healing.

No one is wrong or bad here. It just is.

So that’s what’s making me feel better. That I don’t have to be mad at him or hate him. I don’t have to regret anything. I can just let us be.

of course I still need to get an eternal sunshine of the spotless mind going up in here, because duh. I’m being forgiving and gentle but I’m also human with human emotions and it sucks.

A lesson from all this is that I thought I wanted causal sex and no commitments. And I do still want that. but the possibility exists that I might want more from someone. Not sure who, or if I’ll ever meet him, but it is possible.

I have accepted a date with someone else tomorrow night because why not. He doesn’t want me but this guy tomorrow does. So why not.

I thought I would be okay. That I would be grateful to have him in my life, for as long as it lasted. I truly truly, down deep into my bones, believed it would be worth it.

Because it all felt so good, you know? the joy and wonder that had returned to my life. I was alive again. light, dancing on air, I felt like sunshine, like moonbeams, like a constellation of lovesick stars. of course it seemed worth it! Experiencing this brief bit of happiness was 100% worth the eventual misery.

But I was wrong. So so wrong.

It was not worth it. I have never in my life tasted such sweetness as this, as him, felt the magic of love and belonging and desire coursing through my veins in such powerful measure. so I gave myself over to it. despite my better judgment. I ignored my instincts. I know this world and I know my fate but I let hope blind me. Hope that this time could be different. And now look at me. I’m a total mess, paying dearly for my foolishness.

I wish I could be mad at myself but I’m not there yet. That will come but right now I’m surrounded by sorrow and regret. I’m exactly where I didn’t want to be. I wish I hadn’t met him, I wish I hadn’t let him in, I wish I had kept my walls up. I wish.

Please please let me find a way out. I want to appreciate what we had without bitterness. to remember this time and be happy for it. I don’t want to be sad. It’s been such a lovely summer, of warm rains and golden haze. Let me move on from it with love. Please.

I saw the Barbie movie last night and very much enjoyed it. It was clever and smart and funny and silly and just a real good time. It was not what I expected.

I also teared up a few times! there are a lot of mother and mother-daughter emotions all tied up in this movie. yes I’m on my period which is making me more sensitive than usual probably but it still got to me.

I hope the movie continues to break records and piss off men and enrage Ben Shapiro.

I love going to movies with boys. I love it so much.

My headband saga continues.

I lost my favorite headband several weeks ago at the gym. which maybe doesn’t sound like a big deal but it is a very big fucking deal.

It was the only headband that stayed put on my head during my various gym activities. I don’t remember the brand or where I got it, but it’s many years old and still going strong. it was the only one I ever used and then I had to go and lose it like a big old jackass.

So I’ve been trying to find a suitable replacement and nothing has worked. Nothing.

I have purchased so many headbands. Here is the latest haul:

Every single one of these is useless. Except for the one on the far right. It is almost identical to my original headband. It’s just in a stupid pink color. But it’s so similar. I’ve worn it around the house and it feels the same. I’ve got two more similar headbands coming. They are better colors.

The real test will be at the gym of course. But that is not going to be for awhile.

Why, do you ask? Because stupid me tore my stupid calf muscle in my stupid body combat class on stupid Wednesday night. the (very cute) doctor told me total rest for the next 1-2 weeks. And no combat or any other strenuous class for SIX ENTIRE WEEKS. No running. No incline walking. No stair climber. No body combat. SIX FREAKING WEEKS.

I am completely stressed out about this. All the gains I’ve made are going to be lost. I am going to go completely crazy. I need my gym time. It’s the only thing that keeps me going.

The (very cute) doctor also told me I had pretty toes and that took the sting off the news but only very slightly.

Adding insult to injury, I had to lay on my stomach with my legs and butt right in his face while he did the ultrasound on my leg. I worried the entire time I was going to fart.

I did not fart.

The doctor also said only youthful healthy elite athletes get these injuries, NOT sad gross middle-aged old ladies who should just stay home and be fat and crochet and cry all night.

Which is what I’ll be doing tonight.

I have to wear this ridiculous getup too. How can I go on dates looking like this?