The light changes
I thought I would be okay. That I would be grateful to have him in my life, for as long as it lasted. I truly truly, down deep into my bones, believed it would be worth it.
Because it all felt so good, you know? the joy and wonder that had returned to my life. I was alive again. light, dancing on air, I felt like sunshine, like moonbeams, like a constellation of lovesick stars. of course it seemed worth it! Experiencing this brief bit of happiness was 100% worth the eventual misery.
But I was wrong. So so wrong.
It was not worth it. I have never in my life tasted such sweetness as this, as him, felt the magic of love and belonging and desire coursing through my veins in such powerful measure. so I gave myself over to it. despite my better judgment. I ignored my instincts. I know this world and I know my fate but I let hope blind me. Hope that this time could be different. And now look at me. I’m a total mess, paying dearly for my foolishness.
I wish I could be mad at myself but I’m not there yet. That will come but right now I’m surrounded by sorrow and regret. I’m exactly where I didn’t want to be. I wish I hadn’t met him, I wish I hadn’t let him in, I wish I had kept my walls up. I wish.
Please please let me find a way out. I want to appreciate what we had without bitterness. to remember this time and be happy for it. I don’t want to be sad. It’s been such a lovely summer, of warm rains and golden haze. Let me move on from it with love. Please.
