You’re fog and ash and an empty jar
I’m really struggling with these lousy dating apps and I think I’ve finally figured out why. because on some level, I’m looking for him. or a version of him at least. I will never find it. I know this. None of these men are Simon. But like, it’s not even close.
And holy shit are they boring. So mind numbingly boring.
Look I know I’m being ridiculous. And I understand I UNDERSTAND that it took years to develop our connection. but even at the beginning, at the very very beginning, he had something these idiots just don’t have.
I don’t know what it is exactly, he was one of a kind, but you’d think I could find someone a little funny? A tiny bit smart? One guy with half his cleverness. He surely must exist. Somewhere?
Hmm. Maybe the problem is that I’m the boring one.
Nah. just silly. I am nothing but flaws but one thing I know I am not is boring.
So maybe if I could define it, I could find it. How do I define it. List off his qualities that I enjoyed? Fück that this isn’t a Simon fan club.
And besides, that won’t accomplish anything. He was more than just a list. I could write down every last thing I loved about him and I still wouldn’t have an answer.
So I need to lower my expectations/standards then. Right? But why should I have to settle? Don’t I deserve someone like that? (Fuck off yes I do.)
But if I don’t settle, then I’ll never again taste the warmth of salty skin, or feel the tips of someone else’s fingers dipping into wetness, or get lost in the deafening pleasure.
Settle or wither. Settle or wither.
I’ll listen to you.
?