The tale of two trees
I love setting up my Christmas decorations. I do not enjoy taking them down. But I finally finished getting it all put away this weekend and I am glad for it. Only now there’s no soft glow from the tree lights coming into my bedroom at night as I go to sleep, and I feel a little sad for that.
But it’s okay. don’t feel bad for me, foreign bots. I get MLK day off.
So we had two trees this year. Not on purpose. Not by plan. If you’ve ever seen someone driving home with a tree on their car the day before Christmas Eve and thought “what a lame loser”, that lame loser would be me!
let me explain.
We got our OG tree the weekend after thanksgiving, like good law abiding citizens. (We did not chop it down this year, though, as I was a bit late in obtaining the permit, so the only available dates were too far into December.)
Instead we went to the same place we have gone before to get our tree, this little tree lot down the road a bit, which also happens to be a mini-golf course.
So we played mini-golf (well the boys played and I kept score, because I hate mini golf what a stupid game) and as we walked the course we browsed the trees, they have them set up all over the course. You grab the tag for the one you want, give it to the workers when you’re done, they cut it and tie it up to your car and you’re good to go.
We get it home and up the stairs and all set up in the stand (no small feat) and have our little family decorating fun, listening to Christmas music, arguing over ornaments, making sure nothing interesting to ginger is on the bottom half. And even though we forgot to make our popcorn and cranberry garland, it was all still grand and lovely.
I put Nick in charge of watering the tree and he did a great job. Except for, unbeknownst to me, his dumb dad has told him to put sugar in the water. So every time Nick gave the tree water, he put some sugar in it.
As the days and weeks move along, I start smelling something bad. Nothing too intense at first, just a faint whiff here and there of something. Nothing obvious, so I think “maybe it’s just me?”
But as more days go by, it gets stronger. More rank. I begin to smell it more often. So now I know I’m not imagining it. but it’s one of those elusive smells that are hard to track down. It’s not the trash. Not something in the fridge. Nothing from the boys room or the bathrooms. What in the devil is that smell. Could it have been ginger, did she do her business in some secret spot? Did someone spill something on the carpet and not clean it up? Is there some piece of rotten food under the couch? Is it my crotch? WHAT IS THAT SMELL.
I can’t find it.
Then, the evening of Dec 22nd. I had received a few gifts from a friend in the mail, so I went to put them under the tree. Where I was absolutely and brutally assaulted, nearly killed in fact. From the smell. I had found it, found the source.
IT WAS MY TREE.
The tree water had turned bad. Like, real bad. From the sugar, I assume (which I didn’t know at the time). It was a weird gross color, and chunky, with this thick layer of whitish mold across the entire surface. Going up the trunk was even more mold. I can’t describe the smell in simple words, but it was a combination of teenage boys, dirty stinky feet, rotten cheese, corpses congealing in a damp basement, a locker room, a bin of used underwear, you get the idea. It was awful.
Then I realized how dry the tree had become. It obviously hadn’t been absorbing any water in god knows how long. So not only was it smelly but also a fire hazard.
I knew I couldn’t just leave it as it was, even with Christmas just two days away. There was zero chance of salvaging that tree.
But it’s almost Christmas Eve! I can’t NOT have a tree! Ugh. I have no choice.
So i wake up on the 23rd, put on a mask and protective gear (those dry needles were sharp deadly little fuckers), and take everything off the tree. Which may not seem like a big deal but it is. It is a big deal. I died.
Once the tree was de-decorated, and after a lot of struggling and cursing, we finally get it outside and down in the trash. The boys are gagging and convulsing the entire time, acting like it’s a dead body, and honestly I can’t blame them, the stench was that bad. I couldn’t even keep the tree stand, it had become saturated with the smell and had this icky oily gross coating all around the insides. I know I know reduce reuse recycle. But no fúcking way was I gonna clean that, sorry mother earth.
Now we need a new tree! It’s the day before Christmas Eve. There’s not much left. If I have to resort to some janky artificial tree from Michaels, so be it. But Nick and I manage to find a pretty decent tree at Lowe’s. The guy sells it to me for $15, and throws in the stand for free. Awww.
So if you saw some sad person driving a tree home on Christmas-Eve Eve, well it is possible that the person is NOT a bad mom but just someone trying her best to make sure a deadly rancid Christmas tree did not ruin Christmas. I mean she’s probably a bad mom still, but for other reasons.
even though I had to decorate and undecorate two trees this holiday (because of my jackass ex) it was still a nice holiday. I was maybe a little more festive than I was in 2020, but only just barely. Two years of this pandemic shit makes it hard for me feel the love of Jesus fúcking Christ flowing through my black soul. I did watch a shit ton of hallmark Christmas movies though. I also watched the FX version of a Christmas carol and thoroughly enjoyed it. I have a crush on whoever played Scrooge’s nephew.
One of the Christmas gifts I gave to someone was this F-bomb I made (because they like to say the f-word a lot). It was well liked by the recipient, and by many others. This image probably won’t show up because my WordPress is a dickweed. but it’s on my instagram, if you Russian and Chinese bot hackers can find your way there.
There are so many other things I want to talk about but I’m afraid if I talk about them I will jinx them . So I won’t talk about them. Also it’s like 4am on a school night and I need sleep real bad.
Happy 2022 loafe.