Happy birthday to my little turtlebug. Ryland is two weeks old today! (today being thursday.)
Tomorrow, September 3rd, was my due date. It’s a weird feeling for me, to look at these past two weeks, knowing he could have still been inside me the whole time.
I’ve come to the conclusion that the reason Ryland came two weeks before his due date was because he knew that if he got much bigger, he wouldn’t fit and he understood how important it was to avoid a c-section.
He was such a fussburger last night though, jesus. I think he had a little baby tummy ache. He didn’t sleep, all he wanted was to be held and walked around. It was his first really restless night. Normally he wakes up, eats and goes back to sleep. I was dead exhausted and I got a wee bit frustrated with him. I kept falling asleep when he nursed and I wished for some fairy godmother to float in and take care of him for me so I could get some sleep. But we managed to get through it and he is doing much better tonight.
ooh, his umbilical cord fell off yesterday. Like the big dork I am, I saved it. I’m sure I’ll throw it away soon, but for now I want to keep it. It seems like such a big milestone. No more cord. It really does signal the end of the pregnancy.
I’ll admit to feeling a deep sadness, even grief, that my pregnancy is over. When I first came home, I couldn’t even look at a pregnant woman or watch any of those baby shows on TV without completely losing it. And visiting the hospital for the first time? Boy, that was really difficult for me. I so wanted to still be pregnant and still have to go through the labor and delivery. I didn’t want it to be over.
And those feelings made me feel very guilty and bad, that it somehow meant I wasn’t happy that Ryland was here finally. That had nothing at all to do with it. Thank goddess I have Marianne, I talked about it with her and she really had some insightful and comforting things to say.
She helped me understand that because motherhood causes such sweeping, fundamental changes in who I am and how I see myself, I am now mourning not just the loss of pregnancy and childbirth, but the loss of the self I was before I became a mother. And she reminded me not to get too wrapped up in these feelings and let it take away from enjoying Ryland in these early weeks, because they go by so fast. He will never be this little again. And she’s right. Already he’s at two weeks and he’s changing every single day, every single minute, and I am reeling at how quickly the time goes by. I spend every single moment with him yet it doesn’t seem like it’s enough. Already I miss these early days.
I can’t believe how consumed I am with Ryland. I can’t even call it love, love seems like such a stupid useless word for what I feel, love is what you have for objects and places, but not this, not this deep burning fire radiating from every inch of me, love can’t even begin to encompass that. He’s completely taken over my mind, my body and my soul and I couldn’t be happier.