One Week Old

By loafe 27 August, 2004 random

It feels pretty crazy, but Ryland is one week old today.

ONE WEEK!!

happy birthday my little ry-guy!

I can&#146t believe I was giving birth just seven days ago. insane.

I am completely, utterly obsessed with Ryland. A more perfect baby could not exist.

You know, when I first got back to Tucson, I felt sad. Issues with my family, no job, not a lot of money, all the stress of moving and adjusting to a new life. I truly believed I had made the wrong decision to have Ryland here. All I thought was I should have stayed in Boston.

But after giving birth to Ryland, I realized I made the right choice. Being here with my friends and my family and the quality of care I&#146ve received from my doctors and the hospital…well, I couldn&#146t have asked for more. I should learn to trust myself. I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and relive the entire experience.

At long last…

By loafe 24 August, 2004 best of loafe, vol 1, random

On August 19th, at 8:41pm Tucson time, the most precious baby in all the wide world finally made his appearance.

My little sweet pumpkin was born Thursday night, weighing an adorable 7lbs and measuring a lovely 19 inches. For pictures you can visit him here. The password for access is —. [dead link]

Although he came two weeks before my due date, he is a full-term baby, albeit a small one. I guess he was ready to see me before I was ready! I was in the early stages of labor all day and night on Wednesday, but I just couldn’t believe it; I thought I just had really bad constipation! What a dork I am.

I won’t go into any great detail about the labor right now, because I am tired and Ryland is starting to stir, but I will say this much: it was hard and it hurt and it took a lot out of me, even with the epidural. But it was the single most rewarding, fulfilling and beautiful experience of my life and I wouldn’t trade it for anything. Giving birth is just so unbelievable, so overwhelming, so empowering that I don’t think I could ever describe it in the right words. I feel so different now, completely disconnected from the person I was before. I feel proud and elated and happy.

It’s funny, because I believe now that everything that has occurred in my life, every good thing, every bad thing, every seemingly inconsequential thing, were all leading me to this very moment, where I have Ryland. He is the sweetest most perfect thing I can imagine and I wonder what I did to deserve him.

I look at him and there is so much love in me, it hurts. It hurts me, I love him so much. I am terrified because now he isn’t safe inside me, he’s out in the world and we all know how cruel this place can be, and I can only do so much to protect him.

I wish I could relive the pregnancy and the labor and birth over and over again.

There is so much more I need to say about this, but the little one is ready for some grub.

By the way, each one of my breasts weighs more than he does.

yahoo.com

By loafe 18 August, 2004 random

I haven&#146t had internet access for so long now that I&#146ve forgotten what I like to do and where I like to visit. All I keep doing is going to yahoo and then sitting there staring at the screen.

what is wrong with me?

and now that I have anytime access to my email, no one ever writes me. HELLO don&#146t you people know I am sitting around doing nothing?

Christa vs. Mother

By loafe 17 August, 2004 random

I&#146m sure that I&#146m not the first woman worried that she is going to become someone else now that she&#146s about to have a baby.

I could have found a better way to word that sentence.

My point is that for 30 years now, I&#146ve been christa. My one role in life was to be her. It was my only responsibility. Sometimes I was very good at it and sometimes I was very bad at it.

But now…well, now everything is different. Now I am Mother. I don&#146t want to lose being Christa, but I am very aware that there are many parts of her that I can&#146t keep, that I have to let go, because otherwise there would be too much incongruence. I just hope that I don&#146t change too much, cause I kind of like who I am. I am convinced that being a mother will make be a better Christa, a kinder, gentler, happier and saner Christa, but I don&#146t want to get too gentle or too kind or too sane.

Being a mother will be just another facet to my identity, albeit an amazing one. I just don&#146t want to be defined by motherhood. I know it happens, I&#146ve done it myself in the past to other people, as if being a mom is the only thing a person can be, as if all other aspects of her personality cease to exist with the arrival of a baby. Still, I can think of nothing else that has made me feel as complete and whole as this pregnancy.

I went shopping last night and bought a lot of baby things that I need. Then I brought it all home and opened it up and looked at it and smelled it and held it and it FREAKS ME OUT that this stuff is all mine. For MY baby. Who will be hopping down the bunny trail very soon now. I am taking all of this one day at a time because if I think about it too much my brain hurts. But despite my worries and fears, I am aware of something and it comforts. For all my years walking this world, I know that the universe isn&#146t going to give me more than I can handle.

I&#146m thinking about doing a really cheesy sappy thing and writing my baby a letter to put in his baby box for when he gets older. It&#146s lame, I know, but I still think I&#146m going to do it.

It really bothers me that one of my favoritest rolling stones songs is in a coke commercial. I really don&#146t think the stones were thinking about lower-carb soda when they wrote You Can’t Always Get What You Want. And if they were, well may the sun have pity on us all.

Currently playing: Lady by Little River Band. God DAMN if I don&#146t love this effing song. Next up: Danny&#146s Song (Loggins and Messina). I sing it to Ry all the time and think of his daddy, because damn if those boys aren&#146t lucky to have me.