loafe.com

Function: noun
Etymology: French, adjective, literally, already seen
1 a : the illusion of remembering scenes and events when experienced for the first time b : a feeling that one has seen or heard something before
2 : something overly or unpleasantly familiar

I was laying on the couch the other night, not able to sleep, and for some reason I started wondering about déjà vu. I heard once that maybe déjà vu is a phenomenon of random occurence due to collective memory. The way I understood collective memory is that every person who has ever existed has contributed to this univeral memory bank and we all have access to it. Every now and then we experience a moment that someone else has experienced and we get déjà vu, because we’ve drawn from this collective memory. It’s an interesting concept and I may not be relaying it in the same way that I heard it, but you get the idea.

I like the idea of a collective memory, But I started wondering if maybe déjà vu exists because we actually HAVE experienced that exact moment before. Bear with me here while I try to explain.

I thought okay, we have evolution. We mostly talk about evolution in terms of how humans came to be what we are. But we can think of it in broader terms as well, can’t we? Evolution isn’t reserved just for us here on earth. It gets really interesting when you look at evolution universally.

The Big Bang happens and we get expansion and things evolve; from primordial soup to everything we see today. Pretty cool.

So okay, thanks to the big bang, our universe has been cooling and expanding ever since. I’m in the camp that believes eventually the expansion will stop, reverse, and then collapse back in on itself. Kind of like these cool toys.

So in essence, I guess you could say that we will evolve so much we’ll make it back to the beginning. Like running a lap. And once the universe has collapsed back into that single point, the big bang will happen again. And evolution will take over and bring us down the road again. So I’m thinking that maybe this keeps happening. Just like that toy, it opens and closes, opens and closes. Big bang-expansion-collapse. Maybe this is infinity. We keep reliving everything, over and over again.

But, not exactly. With every new revolution, every new evolution, things change. Because even evolution evolves, right? There are variations and mutations that keep each rotation from being EXACTLY the same. But given infinity and the randomness of it all, there are bound to be moments the universe relives in precisely the same manner as some other time… Déjà vu. We’re remembering/reliving/experiencing a previous universal existence. Due to the sheer number of times we’ve done this, chances of déjà vu seem to me to be rather high. But not so high as to be constantly experiencing it. Just enough so that we think “wow, that’s weird, I feel like we’ve done this before.” Because maybe we have!

I don’t know, the whole thing is pretty trippy to think about. What if that were the case? Over and over we play the same part, only each time it’s just different enough so we never fully realize it. Except in those moments when we do realize it. It seems like a decent enough possibility. I don’t know enough about math and physics and the science of it to really have a solid theory or evidence to back it up, but it’s still fun to think about.

I look around and everywhere is a circle. Everything in life leads us to circles, leads us in circles. What goes around comes around. Starting at point A brings us back to point A. Only there really is no point A, no starting, no ending, just round and round we go. That’s the real beauty of the circle.

Can you imagine the possibilities? We’re talking infinite time here. So infinite that time doesn’t even exist. Who knows how many times I’ve been Christa, human on planet earth. I’ve probably been her millions of times, all with slight variations. And that’s just what I can identify with right now, given my present limitations. Maybe in other universe existences I’ve been air molecules or a bug or some sort of gas or…well, it’s just endless really.

It’s almost too crazy to think about, and when I do it for too long, my mind gets jittery and my stomach feels queasy and I get this really nervous feeling all over. And I realize that my mind puts up barriers. There is only so much that we can comprehend. For all that fascinates me, I lack the ability to truly understand and grasp the sheer complexity of existence. I don’t think anyone can, to tell you the truth. Sure, we get little bits here and there, but jeez. It’s like being in a torrential rainstorm, trying to catch all the raindrops with just a thimble.

But I think that’s okay, because the quest is more important than the answer. That we’re out there getting soaked and filling up our thimbles is enough. The journey, not the destination. Because the destination IS the journey. We’re in a circle here and where we’re going is where we already are.

This comforts me and scares me as well. But in a strange peculiar way, the scary part is comforting, too. Maybe scare isn’t the right word, but it’ll have to do.

Sometimes I wonder how I got this way. Why I think about these sorts of things, instead of shoes and weddings and clothes and teddy bears and ponies and unicorns.

This is my faith, this is my spirituality. I think about the objects that I hold in high regard, the symbols of my spirit. Trees, turtles, elephants, space and the stars. Things of longevity. Things that hold memories in them, the past, history. How do I pass this “faith” of mine to Ryland? We can’t go to Space Church or anything.

Maybe I should start one. Space Church. I like that.

It’s kind of annoying how if I had waited three months to buy my mac, I would have gotten more machine for less money. But noooo, I just had to have it right away, I couldn’t wait, Ms. Impatient needs it NOW NOW NOW or the earth will cease to exist.

Fresh pics of the little guy.

Sometimes, I think oh god I’ve become one of those mothers who talk endlessly about their children and show pictures at every possible opportunity.

And then I think Ryland is too fantastic not to share.

And then I think he’s just another baby in a long line of babies and I’m just another mother in a long line of mothers. big whoop.

and then I think jeez, how depressing. we’re not special. no one is special. nothing is unique or different, we’re all just the same stupid animals doing the same stupid things over and over again with little meaning or purpose.

and then I think ooh it would be fun to ride on a helicopter. (cause a helicopter is flying around our neighborhood right this very second, probably looking for criminals, as I live in a bit of a shady area (shady as in criminal, not trees))

and then I think you’d probably be too fat for a helicopter, go on a diet you tub of lard, take a walk, lift some weights do something, JEEZ ALREADY.

and then I think time for bed, cjm.

It is both very unfair and very very lame that I cannot sleep. It is almost 3:30am and I am so tired that my head might fall off, but here I sit, glazed over and dried out. Something’s bothering me, my legs are twitching, I can’t focus and I keep checking on Ryland, making sure he’s still asleep in his bed, still breathing. I wish my body would pick one behavior or another and stick with, none of this flip flopping: either let me be fine and sleep without trouble or keep me not fine and give me rampant insomnia. Then I can adjust accordingly and start accepting my nightly fate.

But nooo, my stupid body thinks a sleeping life should be unpredictable and exciting. She likes to shake things up a bit, keep it random, let me sleep well for a bit and then, just as I’m getting used to it, knock me over with bouts sleeplessness or hours of turmoil and thrashing in my bed. And just when I finally think it’s all under control and deep restful sleep is about to overcome me, she throws in some crazy dreams to keep me from sure refreshment. That’s her favorite I think.

Maybe I’m just used to unreliable sleep, with Ryland and all. He’s finally starting to sleep better and I’m just not used to it. But that brings us right back to that old unfair and lame bit.

Or maybe maybe MAYBE my deeper instincts are calling me to action. Maybe strange things are afoot at the Circle K. Maybe I should be listening more, listening BETTER. I’m hearing something, I’m feeling something, I just need to open up, be receptive. Pay attention. Listen deep, in the words of the wise.

and I hope someone gets the Circle K reference. Really, I do.