Even though I’ve been through nine months of pregnancy and 9 months of child raising, I feel at times I’m still struggling to come to terms with motherhood. Not a second goes by that I don’t love or appreciate Ryland, but there are plenty of seconds when I wish I could take a break, even for a little while. A break from worrying and watching and caring and nuturing. To just go and be silly and irresponsible and do whatever I want, follow any little whim I have, be carefree again.
Who was I before Ryland? I don’t really remember and I don’t exactly want to go back to that Christa, but some days I am tired, really really tired, and I just don’t want to be mom. I have to, of course, and I don’t resent Ryland for it, but that doesn’t mean that the desire to be unencumbered is not there, or any less real. And it isn’t everyday. Some days are better than others.
I’ve sent my resume off to a few places in the past few weeks. I haven’t heard back from anyone. It’s pretty depressing and disheartening. It isn’t like I’m thrilled to be going back to work, I would prefer to stay at home. And not because I’m lazy. Well yes, I’m lazy, but for once my laziness has nothing to do with it. My desire to stay at home to raise my son is because I feel like my time is much more valuable here than anywhere else. But bills need to paid and diapers need to be purchased, money needs to be made. So off goes my resume. And so far, nothing. And I hate it. I hate that I have to look for a job to begin with; it feels like the knife is twisted even deeper by the rejection and lack of response. So I’m depressed that I have to look for work and even more depressed that no one wants me. Perhaps the year or so work gap is turning employers off. I don’t know. And a part of me does want to go back to work, to interact with people in a non-parenting non-familial way. Because I want a part of my life that’s all mine, that I don’t have to share, where it’s just Christa doing christa things. And it’s as if they are saying to me “We don’t want you.”
Maybe this work-related depression is related to my increasing feelings of distance. I’m trying to make the inevitable separation between me and my baby easier by withdrawing. And then I feel guilt over it, compounded by the sense of rejection and worthlessness at the hands of the working world. When Ryland himself rejected me the other night, for no apparent reason, preferring his father’s comfort over mine, it really hurt me. I know it shouldn’t, I know that’s ridiculous, but coupled with everything else I’m feeling it just made me want to walk out the door and never come back.
And then I hate myself for feeling that way.
Being a mom is a lot harder than I anticipated. And it seems to be getting harder as time goes on, not easier. Maybe the honeymoon is over? I don’t know. I love Ryland and being his mom is the most satisfying and fulfilling thing I’ve ever done, but I don’t want it to be the only thing. I want there to be other things fulfilling and satisfying me. I want there to be more than just Christa, the mom. Does that make me a bad mother? A bad person? Should I be worried here?
I watch Ryland and am pleased. He’s a happy baby and he knows the comfort and safety of two loving parents. I’m doing right by him, I’m sure of it. Everything is going be okay.
