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Hallmark does a Christmas in July thing every year and I love it of course. they usually do a few new movies, too. I watched one of the new ones tonight called take me back for Christmas and it was cute enough and all. but I started crying at the end. Like really really crying.

The basic plot is how this woman wishes for a different life and then she wakes up in this different life. (they do this storyline a lot in these Christmas movies.) In her pre-wish life, her mom is dead, but in the new dream life, her mom is still alive. So of course by the end of the movie she has she learned all her lessons and discovered what is truly important, blah blah blah, and she gets to go back to real life, the one where she’s with her husband again, only her mom is not alive. But before she goes, before she leaves her wish, she gets to say goodbye to her mom. And it was actually really sweet and moving and that is why I cried.

Imagine being able to go back and say goodbye to your mom? I would like that. To see her one more time. Hug her. Smell her. Remember her. Just be with her.

Jeez typing it up even now is making me cry again.

It’s funny how you can be so okay for so long and then something happens and it triggers you and it’s just this heavy grief all over again.

Maybe it has something to do with Ryland having knee surgery today and me feeling a little vulnerable about that. Everything was fine and he is recovering well and it’s all good but that moment when they wheeled him away and I just stood there watching him go… sure he’s an adult now but he’ll always be my little boy and that protective feeling never goes away.

We are all going to be okay.

He was the first one, in a text, after midnight: “happy birthday love.”

now I’m all heart and starry-eyed emojis.

He also got me a bday present.

Because he says I need options. Who am I to argue. Different shoes to suit my mood and/or clothes. These are the multi sport On shoes, because he knows I don’t do a lot of actual running.

Can I tell you how nice it is having someone care about me again?

In other news. Nick is back. And so ends my rumspringa. Hot heaux summer 23 is in the books. It was a lot of fun but I’m glad, because I am very focused on just one guy and I will do everything in my power to not screw it up. At least not before October, I want him coming to London with me.

Now I sleep.

Soooo. I may have overreacted. I forget that everyone else is not as crazy and lunatic as I am.

After being intimate last night (for the first time in AGES), we got even more intimate. and I don’t know guys, I don’t know what is happening, but something is happening. Something really amazing. I am scared to talk about it because I don’t want to jinx it but I have to talk about it with you loafe, or else I will explode.

He might just be the guy. Or as close as I’m ever going to get.

Why do I think that? It’s a million things. It’s one thing. It’s none of the things and all of the things. I can’t explain it.

When I got on tinder, it was not for this. This is not what I was looking for. This is not what I was ready for. This is not possible. But here we are all the same. we found each other. He found me, I found him. Because, in its infinite wisdom, the universe decided this girl and that boy needed to be together.

This isn’t how my life works. I don’t ever get what I want.

This is my life:

So I’m feeling a lot of trepidation. Maybe he is my cookie, my sweet perfect delicious cookie. And I’m so happy. But I’m about to be kicked in the shin. And then have my sweet cookie taken away. I need to be careful that I don’t make it happen by being so scared of it happening. Maybe “fake it till you make it” works both ways.

I have a choice here. Continue questioning his feelings and live in a state of constant disbelief, fear and anxiety.

Or just fúcking accept that he likes me.

why is it so hard to believe that a quality man could find me desirable? Why can’t he think I’m cute? Funny? Creative? Sexy? Is it possible that I am those things, and is it possible that a man exists who sees it? And not just any man. A man who makes me feel like I haven’t felt in a long time. Maybe ever.

MAYBE EVER.

I want whatever he gives me. His time, his attention, his caring, his everything.

You know what else? I like the way I am around him. I like what he brings out in me. He makes me feel calm and capable and safe. He makes me feel like the person I am in my head. That means something right?

I don’t want to be hurt. It feels inevitable. But honestly, I think whatever pain will surely come is worth what I’m feeling now. Life is short. I’m gonna grab all the joy I can while I still can.

We haven’t had sex in over two weeks and I’m going crazy. He doesn’t want me anymore. He doesn’t find me attractive. He hates me and think I’m too old and too fat and too squishy. He deserves better than this grossness that is my body.

But we’re still texting at least. He’s still charming and sweet and funny and even says romantic things. but without the sex what does it even mean? Nothing! It means nothing!

Ugh. I’m so sick of finding my value and self-worth in a man and his opinion of me, his attraction to me. But mostly? I am sick of myself. How do I get away from my own brain, my own gaze, my own emotions. I need a break from me.

But regardless of my insecurities, no matter what is going on with him, I’m mot going anywhere. I won’t stop till it’s over. Till he says he’s done with me. Till he ends it.

While I fret and freak, let’s watch this video of the trees in WI. I love this.