it’s morning in Philly

By christa 17 April, 2008 best of loafe, vol 1, random

on the way to work this morning, my cute fedex boyfriend got in behind me on the elevator and said “three please” and when I pushed the 3rd floor button, slowly, seductively, looking right into his blue fedex eyes, I knew he loved me. I said “you want me to push your button? this button here? okay, I’ll push it.” and, because my button-pushing skills are tofuckingdiefor, he moaned, all fedex sexy, and it was so on… “oh yes I’ll push it, fedex baby. yes yes yes. I’ll keep pushing it, mmmhmmm, now you do it, push, right here okay, don’t stop pushing that button, oh god, oh fuck ooohhhh yeeeeessss …”

and then I opened my eyes and it was quiet and I said “ahem” and he said “ummm…” and I said “oh that? sorry. I have tourette’s. I forgot my meds. what are you gonna do.” and he said “alright.” and then he said “so, uhhh, floor three please” and I said “oh yes, umm, here, floor three, coming right up” and then he said “is your office open on monday?” and i said “what’s monday? yes we’re open. why what’s monday?” and he said “it’s a holiday. patriot’s day” and I said “oh. yeah. we’re open. bummer.”

and then we got to my floor and I stepped out and he said “don’t worry hot sugar honeybee. you may have to work but I’m scheduled to see you monday, I’ve got a special package for you, and your vagina has to sign for it. tourette’s is hot. you’re hot. it’s morning in philly, and you know how to touch me.” and I said I LOVE YOU MAKE BABIES WITH ME and then we did. we made babies. and then he wrapped the babies ever so gentle in fedex bubblewrap and put them ever so gentle in fedex boxes and shipped them direct to heaven, so now me and my fedex boyfriend have fedex babies in heaven.

…but in battalions.

By christa 16 April, 2008 random

When sorrows come, they come not single spies, but in battalions.

The Bruins are down 3-1 to the demon-seed that is montreal, when they should in fact be up 3-1. defeat is imminent. my tears are copious.

I dropped my beloved champagne phone in the toilet (yes the toilet) and now it works in random spurts, mostly content to converse in gibberish.

the thick clunky ipod that has nourished my soul since 2003 has spun her last tune. her swan song? grandaddy’s yeah is what we had. a more fitting song could not have been playing as death overcame my precious.

One of my favorite coworkers is quitting, and while this means I finally get my office, I am sad to see him go. He’s moving on to a bigger & better job, yay for him, but my jealousy is all consuming.

I continue to use my embarrassingly shitty headphones that came with my sony discman, circa 1998. Funny how those still work, while newer and better h’phones have come and gone, talking of michelangelo.

My hair has left the stages of charmingly messy and rat’s nest cute and burst through the gates of sad lonely homeless woman.

I could go on, I have plenty more to bitch about, but I think you get the idea.

I know, I know, one man’s sorrow is another man’s fortune. but can you shut up about it? I don’t come to your house and tell you how drab your color scheme is, do I? go to hell, mother effers. go to hell.

unbeatable banzuke

By christa 8 April, 2008 random

my and g’s new favorite show is this funny game show called unbeatable banzuke, where these goofball japanese people make these even goofierball contestants do the craziest shit. we love it more than I can possibly tell you. I am sure if you did a youtube search for unbeatable banzuke you will see what I mean and maybe a good poster on a good site would offer you a link. but fuck you people, I don’t care. I just want to tell you what I like.

I like the weird wheelbarrow shaped like a cat because it’s always couples doing it, quite often old people, and they are funny and they always crash and I love old people being silly and crashing. plus, I think of all the challenges on that show, that is the one g and I might be able to do. not win, but do. pogo sticks, unicycles, giant toys, balls & hammers are just some of the things featured and utilized. I love the announcer guy, he gets so very excited. and some of the translations are so beautiful in their hilarity that I just swell with my love of life and that I get to enjoy such fine entertainment.