cell phone use is permitted in lobby only

This story is all the rage right now in Boston. It’s kind of funny. and a little weird. you’ll see.

little known fact: alex rodriguez is not well-liked by red sox fans.

also a little known fact? gordon makes a silly joke every time he sees a big bird flying around. “look christa, a hawk” and I always say “you’re such a moron. that’s not a hawk.” and he’ll insist it is “yes it’s a hawk, look at those talons!” it’s just a cute little thing we do. so this actual hawk at fenway story, with mention of the talons even, is funny for me personally, because of the inside joke, see. okay, so it’s not really a joke. and it isn’t even funny. let’s move on.

here’s something dumb. At the gym, they have signs in the locker room that say, “as a courtesy to other members, cell phone use is permitted in lobby only.” and on the gym floor, where you exercise and stuff, they also have signs that say, “no cell phone use on gym floor allowed”. the signs aren’t what’s dumb. they don’t bother me, as I don’t care either way when or where people are using their phones. The gym obviously cares and has posted these signs for a reason, so whatever, right? Like I said, I don’t care, I don’t use my phone at the gym so it doesn’t matter to me.

so why does it bother me when I see people using their cell phones in the locker room and on the gym floor? That’s what is dumb. I don’t care they’re using their phones, I truly don’t, yet when they do, when they disregard those signs completely, I get super annoyed and righteous and want to tattle on them to the management. what is wrong with me? I’d understand if their conversations hampered my workout or affected my locker room activities, but they don’t. the crap music the gym blasts at 10000 decibels is more disruptive to my experience than some meatball next to me yammering away on his mobile, so why can’t I just let it go? why do I feel the need to complain to the gym? why do I have to write about it? why why why do I care? there are a thousand other things worth my concern, not fucking cell phones at the gym.

Maybe it’s just the principal of it. My gym has a clearly stated policy, using fancy hard plastic colorful signs no less, and these people feel they are better than everyone else and have the right to ignore those signs, just because they want to. In the few times I’ve used my phone at the gym, I’ve done so in the lobby, respectful of those signs. Because if a bright, official-looking sign says something, then you need to listen!

So that must be what bugs me. These people not listening to the signs. I’m all for rebelling against authority and shit, but what the hell kind of authority is the gym? please. and is your conversation so fuck-all important that it can’t wait till you’re done pretending to lift those 5lbs weights? or primping in the mirror?

No?

well okay then. carry on.


fenway here I come. or not.

okay, I shouldn’t be talking about it cause I’m gonna jinx it, but I can’t help it, I am so excited. A space has opened up for an apartment practically across the street from fenway park and guess who’s first on the waiting list? EEEEE!!

I got the call this afternoon (whenever I say something like “I got the call” it always makes me think of one of my fave seinfeld episode, when jerry “gets the call” to let jean-paul stay with him the night before the marathon). I can barely contain my joy. I still have to fill out a bunch of paperwork and get “accepted”, and with my massive amount of school loans they might not want me, but I’m hoping against all hope and praying to all gods that I get it.

maybe it will help if everyone I know starts thinking really good thoughts, right now, this very second, and the power & force of those thoughts will rise up into the air and make their way to boston to fill the minds & bodies of the apartment owning company and ensure I get the damn place. Because if I don’t, if I am rejected, I will be heartbroken and I just don’t know how I will endure another day of my life.

I can’t believe the universe would bring me this close to happiness only to yank it away from me. Actually, yes I can. That’s totally what will happen. sigh.

okay, positive happy thoughts commence now…


London is terrific!

This has to be the worst “article” I’ve ever read. Granted it’s from BostonNOW, a extra ordinary lame daily (the Metro is the other one, and it’s saying something when the Metro is a better read). I don’t know if I’m allowed to do this, but I’m going to type up the entire thing, because it just amazes me. Someone got paid for this. Probably in acorns, but still.

It makes me think that maybe it was written in another language and someone at the paper put it into a computer for translation. Or maybe a wet noodle wrote it and another wet noodle translated it into “english” for the BostonNOW readers. Either way, it comes off like a stoned 15-year-old writing an essay for English class.

Here, it’s short, take a read, see what I mean.

Taking your kids to London
London is a perfect family travel destination, and just because you have kids doesn’t mean you can’t take the kids to London. [oh my god this sentence is awful bostonnow clearly doesn’t have an editor. or employees with actual brains. or readers with brains. brains and bostonnow are mortal enemies!]

Family travel to London is ideal, because London–with its close cultural and historical ties–is a terrific destination for families having their first overseas adventure. [its close cultural and historical ties… to?? to familes? to london? to WHAT? for me, the gist of this sentence (and I use that word generously) is “family travel to london is ideal because london is terrific for families! family family family! if I keep saying family I will sound smart, right?! terrific!”]

London has terrific attractions and well-known icons like the double-decker bus and the famous London Bobby. [yes. yes. thank you and yes. get this man a pultizer!]

And London has a terrific underground system easy for families to understand, and that makes traveling through London a snap for kids and families. [families and family and kids and terrificness London London families kids! woo!]

Although London is an important destination, family travel to London has to be planned because family travel to London or anywhere is a challenge. [This sentence stands on its own for the pure genius that it is.]

END OF STORY.

for reals.

Now tell me this doesn’t make you cry. It’s so funny, but only because it’s so pitiful, so awful, so sad. Seriously, how does this get published.

Oh, I can’t forgot the handy little Family Travel Tips they included for the story; cut it out and put it on your refrigerator, better yet take it with you!

Tips to make London successful and memorable:
– Be sure to include free time
– Let the kids carry their own money, and give them the experience of converting dollars to pounds. It’s a great math assignment.
– Split up. Mom and dad can go in separate directions, each with a child, and come together to share later. Kids love having experiences their siblings don’t.
– Avoid hotels, if you’re staying for more than a week.
– Consider renting a short-term apartment or “flat”.
– You’ll save money on meals and “live like a native” if you shop at the local shops.

sigh. sigh for all of the world.

It’s so terribly (terrifically!) written, and when I googled the author, he apparently is able to get work all over town. Of course, to be fair, one of his biggest credits is writing for the Herald. Ahem. Not familiar with the Boston Herald? I tell you what, go shit on a cardboard box, smear it around with your hands, and then read that. There’s the Herald. Actually, I exaggerate. That shit on cardboard is a better read. And a smarter one, too.

for fuck’s sake. how does a guy who writes shite like this make his living as a writer, but I can’t? I’m not saying I’m a great writer (yes I am) but I know I’m better than that. for reals, dude.

this is wed bitchery because it came out in yesterday’s daily; it’s thurs divinity as well because it’s nice to be reminded that you’re better than everyone else in the world.


landing @ p.rock

0326081247a.jpg

at Plymouth Rock.

what must those early settlers thought of that sturdy iron fence and those strange symbols carved into such a tiny rock? they probably thought it was the natives/werewolves communicating with dinosaurs and bats. probably.