During my week of no work, when I was not supposed to be doing a lot, I was going to crochet a bunch of stuff and read a lot and journal a lot. I was gonna organize some digital pictures. All things I can do sitting down, without big movements. It seemed reasonable. I expected to be bored.
What I actually did:
I also have slept a lot. and somehow I’m still exhausted.
I know everyone wants me to be better already and I do too but it’s like ugh just let me be sore please. my insides have been scooped out and I’m old. Just let me be tired please. I never get a break from doing everything. just let me be still please. Without guilt or worry or anxiety. Please.
Gordon helped me today. He did some laundry and the dishes and made dinner and played with ginger and a few other things. He messaged me at 10pm and said “I’m done” and I said with what and he said “my day finally” and mentioned how much he did and how tired he was.
All I want to do is scream until the oceans dry up and the sky collapses and the ground disintegrates.
You did like one quarter of my daily life, for one single day.
But it is fine. I am letting it go. My life and his life are different and it’s all fine and I don’t need to be frustrated or resentful or blind with rage or scream endlessly into the void. This is just the way it is and one day I’ll be dead and none of this will matter. Well none of it matters now but I’ll be dead then so I won’t care that none of it matters.
Erik came over (for the first time!) but we didn’t watch a movie. He brought me get well treats and flowers and we hung out and it was lovely. Now I have less than zero idea wtf is happening with us or what to think or what to expect anymore. So I give up. We are going to be whatever we were meant to be. I’m surrendering my body to the current in this river and will go wherever it takes me.
(Oh and he met ryland. On accident. The last thing I wanted. Just kill me.)
And finally, in good news, while he was here, I felt stirrings down there, stirrings of the intimate kind. I am quite relieved and excited about this. My equipment might be gone but the gears are still grinding. Yipee!! So now, even if future sex won’t be with him, at least I know I want it.
Wish me luck, for tomorrow comes quick and I must be brave and productive and patient. Three things that do not come easily or naturally to me.
