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Sometimes I understand things. Sometimes they make sense.

Sometimes.

What I am not understanding and what I cannot make sense of is this boy in my life. He is maddening. and magnetic.

You could tell me he is crazy in love with me and I would believe it. You could also tell me he can’t stand me and I would believe that.

In reality, it is neither of those things. He doesn’t love me. he doesn’t hate me. he doesn’t want me. but he doesn’t want to let me go. So I remain fixed under his gaze.

There are others. Boys who genuinely like me and my company. And I like them. I want them all. Boys boys all type of boys. Old boys, new boys, all the boys. Sometimes I feel like I’m Tina (from bob’s burgers), just absolutely shit brained boy crazy bonkers.

Why do they have to be so cute all the time!

I hate them. Every single one. You’re all the worst.

5 more weeks. Till sex. 3 more weeks till gym. I’m feeling pretty great. No pain. I want to go back to gym. I won’t. Will follow doctor’s orders.

But fear not, little bunnies. my sex drive has not diminished. This makes me pleased.

The real test will be in another several weeks. Will report back. My internet bot readers are so so curious.

So today was Simon’s birthday (I guess technically yesterday but whatever). I miss him. It makes me sad we aren’t even friends anymore. Cause I’ll always love him. He was my whole world. And then he wasn’t.

I hope one day we’ll see each other again. We will, right? I mean how can we just never ever talk again? That seems absurd. One day. One more time.

It’s the new blink 182 song, I had been thinking about him today driving to downtown, and then that song came on the radio, and I just really felt it. It hit kinda hard. And where he used to be is now just a hollow emptiness.

My best friend. I could tell him anything. He knew me in ways no one else did. He understood me. And I understood him. That sounds dumb. So dumb. But I don’t know how else to describe it. He changed me, and my life, in so many ways, big and small.

It was November when he first visited. There was a day of the dead festival in Tucson. For all its flaws, Tucson knows how to do a day of the dead processional.

and then today I stumbled into the Denver’s day of the dead festival. I wasn’t there for that, I didn’t even know it was happening. We were downtown wandering around, visiting museums, and then suddenly there we were. It was just very serendipitous and wonderful and it made me happy.

One day. One day. one more time. We’ll meet again.

I don’t particularly like watching live performances on you tube. They are often annoying, because I don’t usually enjoy when bands take my favorite songs and play them differently. Play it exactly the way it sounds on the album! Don’t try to change it up! Play it JUST LIKE THE ALBUM.

But these live performances are just incredible. Some of my favorites. They transform the feel of each song in strange and beautiful and surprising ways, without betraying me or the album versions that I so adore.

Take On Me. A great song but we have all heard it a million times so maybe it’s lost its luster a little? but this live version from a few years ago is arresting.

https://youtu.be/-xKM3mGt2pE?si=xrnJYxxRpjZsW-wP

Death Dream. This live version using fan footage is just so so gorgeous and aching. A gut wrenching song to begin with, made even more poignant now that he is gone:

https://youtu.be/1DWCxeVaRIs?si=nBLRcC6uPNiRWt1N

And finally, boygenius live on Jimmy Kimmel. I love this band so much and this song will never get old for me and I have the biggest crush on Julien baker and her performance here is quietly powerful and how adorable is it when they kiss her cheeks at the end?

https://youtu.be/WPYc7VC6M-Q?si=mMQRh5COC_N-RyNM

What are some of your favorite live performances on you tube?

The last good day of the year happened earlier this week. I was recovering to be able to really enjoy it.

https://youtu.be/66W0D7HMD0E?si=2AUJM2jpj3HIo5g5

And now it’s frigging freezing.

I should turn on the heat but you know how it goes. Once you turn it on, then it just never goes off again till like May.

The streak continues though. Of snowing on or right before halloween. Ever since we moved here in 2018. All my winter clothes are boxed up in storage because I live in a tiny dumb apartment with no room to keep winter clothes. Winter clothes includes it all: jackets, boots, hats, scarves, gloves, mittens, etc.

I need all new fall clothes and I need fall shoes. I got a lot of cute summer clothes but now I need cute fall clothes. Just because I can’t have sex doesn’t mean I don’t want to attract sexual energy. And I need cute clothes! Shopping sucks.

Also because I’m still recovering and I can’t do a lot of things. I purged a lot of old or gross or ill-fitting clothes from my closet this past week or two. The best part was collecting all my gross period panties. The underwear I keep but wear only when menstruating. I can throw them all away now. I shall never need them again.

Even though I literally just stopped bleeding like 12-13 days ago, my app is telling me to get ready to start bleeding any time now. This is a delightful feeling, that I will not have to deal with this hell any longer.

I read my doctors notes from the surgery. I don’t understand much or what they say. But they do describe the size and shape of all the organs removed. When it came to describe the shape of my uterus, all she could say for shape was that it was distorted from multiple fibroids (6) at 4.5 cm and larger.

Sounds like she kept both ovaries in, although there had been a good chance she was gonna take the right one. The right one likes to make dermoid cysts. The kind I’ve had before, where shit like hair and nails and even eyeballs can grow in them. God I wish I could see one.

So far the healing seems to be going along nicely. I am following her orders and sticking to the restrictions but I am going a little stir crazy. No gym. No routine. No release. Just me in my dumb apartment all the time. Small dumb crowded apartment.

I need sleep.

What you think of my pumpkin decorating