fuck you metabolism.
I hate Gordon. You want to know why? Because the bastard can’t gain weight to save his life. He blinks his eyes and loses 5 pounds. His metabolism runs so fast, he can’t keep up with it. He can eat and eat and eat and he’s still a skinny frigging jerk. Argh. It makes me want to scream.
As for me, I even think about food and I’m up 5 pounds. My metabolism is a slow burner, if it’s moving at all. I am sure if I were more active, it would improve, but even when I was a gym hound, went to school, worked two jobs and barely had time to breathe, I still had a lollygagging metabolism. If me and my metabolism were ever alone together in a room, it would be quite the laziness competition. That is if I didn’t strangle it first, because you know what? Fuck my metabolism.
So here I am trying to lose weight (baby weight I say, but that baby is almost 2 goddamned years old) and eat/drink those stupid meal replacement diet shake thingies, and he’s worrying about being too skinny and looking for ways to gain weight and eat MORE food. I hate him. I fucking hate him.
On a side note: I’m at work right now and the russian and dorky guy are flirting again, right this very second. I can hear them giggling and being weird and creepy. ewww. I am so embarrassed. they make me embarrassed. and get this, the girl has started dolling herself up now. being all pretty and tall and blonde. and for the dorkiest guy I’ve ever seen. ewwww.
someone, make it stop.
it has to be because he’s the new guy, that has to be it. It seems everyone is flirting with him, even the guys. But I don’t get it. He’s dorky! and not sexy dorky or cool dorky. Just dorky dorky.
people are so weird.
He must be very rich, you know east coast family connected
or shes insane.
Witchcraft.. I watched Skeleton Key and now I think witchcraft is the answer to difficult problems.
i want to meet the new dork guy….
Just from an outsider’s perspective, it totally sounds like you’re jealous. Like YOU have a crush on the dorky guy, and it bugs you that the Russian hottie is hitting on him, so you add in reasons to dislike her (she’s married! that tramp!) and sour grapes about him (it don’t get it, he’s a dork, why do they like him, etc). I mean, I could totally be wrong, but that’s never happened so I think you better just face facts. You love the dork. He’s become some sort of nerd substitute in your lust addled mind for all the jonson you haven’t been getting in your life since I kicked you to the curb after our last crazy sessions left me with vaginal bitemarks all over my summer sausage. You gotta go easy on me honey, I’m not a piece of meat. Not JUST a piece of meat, anyways.
Or maybe its the Russian!!!
A site for useful incantations to control your office environment:
http://www.calastrology.com/
actually, JR, I really like Olga. She’s nice. She’s funny. She’s very…un-in-love with herself, if that makes sense. And like your penis, I love russian accents. plus, I like pretty girls who aren’t pretentious and full of themselves. My comments about her in no way were meant to disparage her. Although your interpretation of them is certainly interesting, as if every girl surely has something against other, better-looking girls. It isn’t like that.
And I’m certainly not jealous he isn’t flirting with me. I flirt with my boss more than enough to fill my flirt quotas. And besides, he is a piss poor substitute for you. That would be similar to you liking michael bolton as a substitute for say jeff tweedy. I only wish he reminded me of you.
I don’t know or understand the flirtation. maybe it’s because it’s so incredibly boring around here sometimes, flirting is a nice distraction. And really, it’s more of Dorky Guy pursuing her…he’s always going into her office, bugging her, asking questions, finding reasons to talk with her, and that annoys me. leave her alone! she’s above you, dorky guy! above above above you!
also, I’m really annoyed he isn’t cute. there is rarely new male blood around here, and how nice for him to have been cute. would it have killed my boss to hire someone sexy and interesting? damn it. DAMN IT.
Work is the only chance I have for interaction outside of my house, and I’m stuck with a self-absorbed, privileged “hipster” who pretends to be jewish cause he thinks it’s cool; an actual jew who is a paranoid pot smoking old hippie and the epitome of anal retentiveness; and now this new guy, who is ordinary and uninteresting (his baseball cap is red sox, for pete’s sake) and wincingly desperate to be valid.
The first time I read the fifth sentence in your response, I thought you typed “And I like your penis,” which is both a total non-sequitur & not something I thought I’d be seeing in print, except on the note cards I include in the flowers I have sent to myself at the office every week (it’s important to keep the co-workers jealous!).
But then I re-read it, and I was totally disappointed. Way to depress me, loafe!