Wait for it, wait for the buildup
I went to a show last night, at summit music club, a little place with decent sound. It was royksopp. When he first mentioned it I was sort of on the fence. But then I decided to just say yes and he got the tickets and we went and I’m so glad I did it.
Because I had so much fun. Like real actual for serious fun. fun with a capital f.
First of all I love royksopp. I haven’t seen them since 2014, in Boston, with Robyn. But they’re great.
Also, everyone there was old like me. I appreciate this immensely. It’s hard enough liking electronic music but liking it as a middle-aged lady? Even though I truly love it, some part of me feels like it comes off as desperate and sad. Which is dumb right? Why can’t I like what I like? There shouldn’t be an age limit.
But whatever, the point here is that I did not feel dumb or desperate or sad last night. Quite the opposite. And it wasn’t just because there were lots of olds. But also because I was with great company.
He is an interesting guy. Different than the others. He’s got this strange and curious energy to him. It’s very intriguing. He is sexy and unusual and he gets me to do fun stuff with him. Stuff that I don’t do. We’ve been out a few times now and he’s really made me interested in this city I live in and how vibrant it actually is. It’s not just stupid suburbia and strip malls.
So last night there we are at royksopp and he takes my hand as he weaves us through the crowd and we find a place to stand and the music is starting and the air has that thick but light quality to it. the energy is crackling.
as the night goes on, the feeling comes. That old familiar feeling. Of being in a club, all those warm bodies, the music, the lights, the electricity. Skin prickling, the bass breathing heavy into every corner of your body. Your twitchy brain trying to find the note to chase.
And we dance. And dance. And dance. boy was it sexy. Sizzling. I have not sexy-danced with a guy in a very long time.
Ahhhh!!! it was just so fun. So liberating. I just did not give one fuck how I looked or how fat I was, or how old I was. I just let it all go. let the music in. Let the thrum take over. I moved my body and he moved with me and I felt alive. Him standing behind me, grabbing me. His body pressed up tight against me, moving and sliding together.
And we didn’t even take any drugs! We had a beer or two before but no drugs.
It reminded me of the early days in Boston. When I would go out to all the clubs and parties and raves and dance till I was ready to collapse. but I never took a single drug. everyone else around me was rolling or tripping or whatever. But I didn’t need it. I was getting high off them, their energy, their air, their presence. I mean yes eventually I started using drugs too but I never liked it in the club. I much preferred doing them at home in my safe space.
Oh I smoked weed back then. I guess that is considered a drug but not really. I’m talking MDMA and mushrooms and coke and LSD.
It was just a really good time and it made me feel amazing and more like myself. My real self. My true self. The self before becoming a mom.
Maybe I can be happy and find joy and fun in life again. Not just sitting in my apartment by myself.
Even though I do very much like that.
What I do like is these various men bringing out different parts of me, some good some bad.
Erik is back, I guess. sort of. He apologized. Sort of. He said he realized he didn’t like not having me in his life and getting to talk to me. Well duh. I’m awesome.
But I’m being real careful here. Im happy to have his attention again, especially the sexy attention. but I’m not about to get my tender little heart put back in a blender. Everyone hates him. Wants me to ditch him.
But I do what I want!
