In this blue shade
During the final full moon in august, the blood moon, the blue moon, the super blood moon, the Barbie moon, we did a ritual. I had three “wishes” (or desires or goals) to focus my intentions and energy.
First one was to be more grounded. To stop the crazy and find and feel the earth beneath my feet again.
Second, own and amplify my power, but not just any power, my sexual power. Really let it take over and give in to it. it’s such a part of me and I want to really bring it out into the crisp cool air of fall.
third and final wish is about building confidence. I need to learn how to have confidence in myself, value in who I am right now, in this very moment. I don’t want to just know my own self worth, I want the entire world to know it. I deserve it.
It’s nice because this third wish ties back into the first two, to have confidence that I can find the ground again; and that I can be a thriving living moving sexual being in whatever ways I want with whoever suits me.
Full moon magic can be so powerful. So beautiful. And so so difficult. Just really gut wrenching.
The magic has already begun. The knots are beginning to loosen. It makes me happy, absolutely thrilled.
But I am also very sad. There is a lot of work ahead of me to achieve the grounding I need, and some of that work means letting go of Erik and the pure madness that came along with him.
I don’t know what happened to me when he appeared in my life. Whatever it was, it completely overtook me. He undid me and he continues to undo me and I just can’t find my way back to sanity. Maybe it’s not him maybe it’s just a matter of time and place. But the point is that he is an obstacle for my first wish. (And maybe even my second and third.)
But see here. The universe knows what I’m capable of. She knows I can’t walk away from him. Not on my own. It is just not something I am equipped to do, I have neither the strength nor the desire. I would live in this miserable place with him till the day I died, because that is who I am.
So she took matters into her own hands.
And today it happened. He ended things. No more friendship. No more texting. No more anything. It’s over. He’s gone. And it feels wretched, absolutely fucking wretched. but I know that it was necessary. It’s hard now, but it will get easier. this is the best thing for me and my sanity. He did what I could not, he walked away. He said thanks and he said goodbye and that was it.
I need to find ways to distract me from this tight twisted feeling inside, this lump in my throat, the slow ticking of the clock. I hate him, I love him, I want him, and I can’t stand him. I need him but I need to let him go even more. What we had was real, this I believe wholly and truly, but it wasn’t meant to last. It was a lightning storm and now it’s over and it’s okay. It’s okay it happened, it’s okay it’s over, it’s okay I’m sad. It’s okay that I feel so so alone and so unnoticed and so so inconsequential. It’s okay that I’m unmoored.
It’s okay because I will get better. It’s okay because I am ready to do the work. It’s okay because I’m going to sink my toes into the soil and find my worth and not let my broken uterus ruin my sexual essence.
Movement is good. Love is clear weather. Weeping is time wasted.