This man is making me crazy
I can’t take it! He doesn’t want me as a lover. He doesn’t want me as a friend. He told me the other night that he has a “brotherly/protector” instinct with me. What the hell am I supposed to do with that? god that’s even worse than putting me in the friend zone. Did I think I could feel worse about being “just friends”? No. No I did not.
But this man, well he found a way!
So… he’s my big brother, protecting me. Which is fine??? And wonderful??! I’ve always wanted a brother, my whole life. And now I have one??? That’s so great!! So great for me. A big brother. That I’ve been very very intimate and vulnerable with. That I’ve shared parts of me with that no one else got. A big brother that I keep embarrassing myself with repeatedly, because I am weak and he turns me into someone I don’t recognize (or even want to be).
Maybe I need to start considering if I can do this. If I can be just his friend. I thought maybe I could., that some of him was better than none of him. but with every new boundary shift and adjustment he makes to our relationship, I end up feeling even more like shit.
How did I, of all people, let myself go this far, this deep?
I am back home tomorrow. And once the weekend comes, I’m going to figure out what I want. Maybe I need a reading. I need some guidance from the ether.
And I can’t get it from Marianne now either, because she’s super mad at me. I don’t quite know what I did exactly, but maybe that makes it worse? maybe I should know.
I was feeling good at the start of this week but it quickly deteriorated.
Crap it’s late I need sleep. I hope my head stops hurting.