I’m carrying a casket
My meds are making me into something else. I’m a jar of thick blackstrap molasses, dripping oozing sliding down the side of these glass walls.
I’ve been in such a tender fragile place for a few weeks now, and he’s part of it certainly, he’s a huge part, he’s the engine part, he’s the pistons and the plugs, the gas and the go, but he’s not the only part. Cause see I’m going through things, I’m evolving, I’m changing, I’m coming to terms, I’m moving onward, I’m dreaming and floating and finding peace, letting go, making space, opening up, shutting off, building out and drawing near.
So tonight was the national. A single ticket, I bought for myself, many months ago, and I love the national, I’m my own saddest friend. And then everything crumbled and I lost my capacity for emotional balance and mental stability and the thought of the crowds in a new environment, by myself, listening to my favorite band, PROBABLY CRYING, was too much, just too too much.
But also… he was with me tonight. Well not WITH with me, am I ever going to see him, I don’t know, but he was on the other side of this little screen, with me, all night. And I didn’t want it to stop, I couldn’t leave. I could not turn away from the very thing I’ve been craving and needing and aching for; it wasn’t just silliness tonight, it was the little pulse in my wrist and temple, the pin prick point in my heart where it’s burning and spreading.
So I stayed here, and we were us. I have been so careful with him since it all fell apart, but tonight I softened.
It was entirely friendly, close but not romantic, definitely not sexual. I felt the intimacy and the familiarity, the undeniable bond we have, and it just felt so good and hurt so much.
We’re getting these bracelets he found, with words carved into a charm, intention words, and he even suggested we both get the same word, and we order them at same time. “No, I want us to get these together” he says to me. He had us pinky swear.
it’s true that I love him, I didn’t know if I could or would love someone again after Simon, if I wanted to even, but it didn’t matter what I wanted or felt capable of, because I fell for him, hard and fast. Some might say that makes it less real but to that all I can say is there was no other way for me. No other option. It was my fate the moment he messaged me. I didn’t know it then (how could I) but I see now it was inevitable.
Grief and loss are ocean waves and the moon pulls and pushes, takes and gives.
I’ll be okay, it’s just going to take a little longer than I thought. Especially since I’m trying to do this friends thing with him. It makes it harder, it feels impossible, but if time and water can form the Grand Canyon, it can blanket and reshape my heart.
In searching for an older photo from my Instagram (to show him something of course) I stumbled upon this post:
Gaze too long into the abyss, it gazes back into you.
10 years later, I’m still the same shallow vain fool, gazing into that abyss. because look, I had nearly the exact same photo in my camera roll, taken earlier in the day at the gym.
It’s good to know some things never change, right?
I’m gonna share my hot heaux summer playlist tomorrow I think. It’s really grand.
But now I’m going to try to sleep, holding him close in my mind. But shhh. it’s not for him to know.