It was in my pocket the whole time

Sometimes when driving I think about crashing my car. Like I suddenly just turn my wheels right into the median and it’s total mayhem, I start spinning and flipping over, like in the movies. Or I send my car speeding right into a construction site, wreaking havoc. dirt and car parts and orange cones flying everywhere.

spectacular and catastrophic.

I die of course.

The best part is the aftermath. The big investigation into the crash. The police or the CSIs or whoever. They’ll study the scene and take pictures and write down notes and someone will examine my body. And when they discover my cell phone, it will be shocking. Everyone assumed that I was texting and driving. But no. No! They find my cell phone snuggled safely in my back pocket.

my ghost will be watching and I will feel a gleeful satisfaction. Almost proud I’ll be, when they realize my vehicular chaos wasn’t because of my phone. They’ll be impressed. “Her phone, Eric. Look. She didn’t even have it out. It was in her pocket the whole time.”

This scenario gives me pleasure when I think about it. But also a lot of anxiety. Cause if I did get into a fatal crash, right before I died, I would definitely be wondering about my phone, where it was, where they’d find it, and what people would say or think. “I bet she was on her phone, that’s why she crashed.” what if people say that? And BELIEVE it? Even if it wasn’t true??? Ahhhh!

So what’s that called. Where you fantasize about purposely crashing your car so that people will find your cell phone in your pocket and know you weren’t distracted driving. What is that anxiety disorder diagnosis.

Calm down I’m not actually going to crash my car I just like THINKING about it sheesh.