These days

Today’s soundtrack:

So tomorrow is the first thanksgiving I won’t be spending with my children.

I wasn’t sure how I would feel about it. I thought I was okay. I am okay. but I am also just now a little sad about it (maybe it’s the music). Only just a little. Not so much because we won’t be together. I see them constantly, we are always together, every single god damn day, I don’t get a chance to miss them. And they’ll only be gone for dinner, not even the whole day. No big deal.

But it feels like a milestone. The first crumbling cracks. This is the start. The beginning. Of the end. You know? Ryland’s last thanksgiving as a minor. MY minor. He’ll still be here next year, I’m sure, and we will have plenty of thanksgivings in the future.

But it’s changing.

It’s all changing.

There is a horizon we all walk towards, we don’t even see it, except for now and then, for a brief second, out of the corner of our eyes, as we turn our heads, as we take a quick breath.

So tomorrow they have thanksgiving with their father, not with me, and it is okay. but I’ve finally caught more than a glance of that new (old) horizon. it is unmoving, and clearer now than it ever has been.

this time. these days. all of it. the path is shifting; so slow, so subtle, but my god with such swiftness.