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I am now a child again, with her fingers in her ears. “I’m not listening I’m not listening I’m not listening.” or the scared girl in her bed hiding under the covers from the monsters in the room, “they can’t get me if I can’t see them!” Or a grown adult, exhausted from all the fury and helplessness as she watches the bad guys win yet again, so she’ll sit here ignoring the raging fire around her and keep making as many flip flop keychains as possible. Because this is fine. This is all fine. It’s fine it’s fine it’s fine.

I made this Jan 20 2017.

Now we know.

And my god, it is so much worse than any of us thought possible. and we thought it would be very very bad. We were not hopeful! We were bitter and angry and we expected terrible things. And boy did we get what we expected, and so much more.

At least March has finally ended.

It ended right? March is actually over? or is it just another mad dream.

Here’s my new nightly routine:

-put the kids to bed and then watch Frasier reruns while eating candy and/or string cheese (okay fine it’s “and” not “or”)

-maybe crochet something while I watch frasier, but probably just stare at my yarn and my old old hands, hands that look exactly like my mom’s, a thing I hate and love in equal measure

-finally, around 2am (or whenever the drugs have worn off), get into bed, where I doomscroll twitter and other news feeds until my face melts and I die

-look at this site again and throw up a bunch

-finally turn my phone off and plug it in to charge. pick up my iPad and doomscroll through crochet patterns, saving the ones I’m definitely going to make one day yes definitely

-think about jilling it but why even bother nothing matters and I’m too tired to chase after that fleeting flimsy joy and besides I don’t even deserve it I was such a bitch to everyone today god I am so mean why am I so mean why can’t I just be nice

-promise myself that tomorrow, tomorrow!, I will end this listless, bruised-eye funk. I will brush my teeth and be patient and kind and loving and go get some exercise and stop hating everything and dust my bedroom too

-okay fine I’ll jill for five mins but that’s it! win or lose, my eyes are closing in FIVE MINUTES (fine, ten mins)

-put the iPad down and pick up my phone again. Play one more game of two dots. Turn it off. try to cry

-fall asleep, letting my brain slip from my waking nightmare into my sleeping nightmare

Good night sleep tight. I’m turning off the light.

I want to know you’re okay. I want to hear from you. I want to reach out. I want to know.

Tell me how you are. How you’re getting through. What gives you hope, what is crushing you.

I don’t want to wait until it’s too late. (but maybe it already is.) Only I am weak. I am scared. So I say nothing. Maybe you don’t care anymore. I do though.

I remember your way. how you could calm me, taking that sharp edge of my anxiety and smooth it out a little, make it tolerable. Giving me a space to breath some cleaner air. I could use that right now. When every day is just so hard.

Tell me. Tell me everything.