Good night sleep tight
Here’s my new nightly routine:
-put the kids to bed and then watch Frasier reruns while eating candy and/or string cheese (okay fine it’s “and” not “or”)
-maybe crochet something while I watch frasier, but probably just stare at my yarn and my old old hands, hands that look exactly like my mom’s, a thing I hate and love in equal measure
-finally, around 2am (or whenever the drugs have worn off), get into bed, where I doomscroll twitter and other news feeds until my face melts and I die
-look at this site again and throw up a bunch
-finally turn my phone off and plug it in to charge. pick up my iPad and doomscroll through crochet patterns, saving the ones I’m definitely going to make one day yes definitely
-think about jilling it but why even bother nothing matters and I’m too tired to chase after that fleeting flimsy joy and besides I don’t even deserve it I was such a bitch to everyone today god I am so mean why am I so mean why can’t I just be nice
-promise myself that tomorrow, tomorrow!, I will end this listless, bruised-eye funk. I will brush my teeth and be patient and kind and loving and go get some exercise and stop hating everything and dust my bedroom too
-okay fine I’ll jill for five mins but that’s it! win or lose, my eyes are closing in FIVE MINUTES (fine, ten mins)
-put the iPad down and pick up my phone again. Play one more game of two dots. Turn it off. try to cry
-fall asleep, letting my brain slip from my waking nightmare into my sleeping nightmare
Good night sleep tight. I’m turning off the light.