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Tonight I light candles to calm my mind and focus my will.

If this doesn’t work, I am breaking and destroying everything you see here. (this calming ritual is really working!)

One week. One week. ONE WEEK.

After weeks of staying inside and being regulated to just the balcony, Ginger can now go forth out into the big wide world.

and boy does she love it. So much to see and smell, so many weird and gross things to walk in and also try to eat.

Oh! maybe I should buy her those little paw booties! I’ve seen them at the stores. Especially once it gets super cold and snowy. Brrr. Or I could crochet her some. How cute would that be. So fucking cute it makes me sick.

I do feel sad though. awww her sweet perfect soft little pink paw pads are going to get all black and rough. Ugh. We were safe once. Now it is ruined. Her innocence, lost to the chaos. But that’s just the way of the world. You can’t stop it.

And in the mean time, I can keep enjoying the nice fall weather. it isn’t exactly New England, but it sure beats stupid Arizona.

I should have said yes. I should have just said yes, to happiness, to love. I didn’t though. I’m stubborn and annoying and don’t believe in love. So I said no and now here I sit, in a nightmare of utter chaos, my country falling to pieces around me, chasing memories that don’t exist.

Because I said no.

But here’s a game I like to play at night, when I should be sleeping: what if I’d said yes?

Who knows where we could be. If I’d said yes. A couple of cosmonauts. if I’d said yes.

maybe we would be happy and safe in New Zealand, can you even imagine. Living a normal life again. Looking for hobbits and gray old wizards. Writing stories and making love.

Or maybe we’d be somewhere in the UK. London? Can you even imagine. Yes I know. It’s not as safe as NZ, but at least the seasons are not backwards and it would be London. The first, the original New England. A train ride to anywhere.

Astoria? Probably not. Magical and fun to think about, but definitely not safe. (No where is safe here anymore, maybe not ever again, even if he loses.) But I like to imagine some rickety old house with stairs and porches and rain on the roof, all night long, and a scratchy record player, secrets tucked away in an attic, and we’re dancing softly, quietly, in the dark.

It’s late. don’t go there. Not tonight. Don’t play the game. Just sleep, okay? The headaches are finally gone, you fought them all week long and they’re gone and tomorrow comes. Close your eyes, let the rest go. You said no and tomorrow is here now, so sleep. there will be another time another world another dream, and you will say yes but tonight tonight just sleep.