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My birds have returned!

I am assuming it is the same birds and the same mom? They could be different who knows. But I purposely left last year’s nest alone, because I read that birds will return to the nest again to lay new eggs.

So my birds have returned. It makes me very happy. Seeing the bird inside the nest, getting it ready. The dad perched nearby being all loud and chirpy. if it’s like last year, I can expect the baby birds in June.

In less uplifting news, I have majorly jinxed myself. I said, OUT LOUD, for all the world to hear, how happy it made me that I will have my car paid off by end of the year. What is wrong with me. So of course, within a week, the car has started falling apart: my driver side window stopped working; I gouged a nice big ugly scar along the side when I backed up too close to a sharp-edged pole; and then yesterday my beloved princess broke the center console. Whenever we go for a ride, ginger rides in the back but likes to rest her upper body on the console and watch the scenery unfold. And it just snapped under her, so now the whole thing is all loose and jangly. The window is fixable and the damage is repairable (bye bye stimulus money!) but I don’t see a cheap way to fix the console. So now I’m gonna have a janky car, as just a gentle reminder that life gives you a cookie, then kicks you in the shins, then takes back the cookie.

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I never should have talked about it. I tempted the gods of chaos. I AM SORRY OH DELICATE MONEY UNIVERSE.

Must sleep now. It’s migraine week for me. Need rest. Turn off screen. Close eyes. Be quiet, brain. Be quiet, bladder. Shhhh. You good. You okay. You fine. DO NOT THINK ABOUT… well there you go, you did it again, going against my explicit instructions. You deserve your insomnia.

I got my first dose of the vaccine this week. The excitement, the anticipation, of finally getting the shot, it felt like christmas eve a little.

I went to a local health clinic and was very impressed with their whole operation. I’m sure the early days were bumpy, I don’t know, but they seem to have a good system. All smooth sailing, no hiccups. Just a bunch of competent dedicated people doing their jobs (and beyond).

The shot part was fine. It lasted all of five seconds. Needles don’t scare me and it didn’t hurt a bit.

After, they have us wait in an observation room, to make sure we don’t experience any bad reactions, and to schedule the second dose. 15 mins later, I was done, with my vaccine sticker and my appointment in a month.

as I walked back to my car, the snow had stopped, the sun had come out and it had gotten a little warmer. I started crying. It was just so overwhelming. The joy and relief of it all. The gratitude, not only that I was able to get this vaccine, but how hard people have worked to get us to this point. And then… just the sadness. For everything we have lost, for all the people who didn’t make it here, for all the grief and loneliness and rage.

I cried the whole drive home and even now, I cry a little. It’s been so much. And I’m one of the luckier ones! I didn’t lose my job and I was able to keep paying rent and bills. My mom died years ago so I didn’t have to fret over her, and my dad, who is in every major high risk group there is, miraculously never got it (despite the shitty behavior of some members of my family).

And while remote learning has sucked, especially for Ry, at least we live in a school district that was able to transition to remote school without too much trouble. plus both boys had school-issued chromebooks that they’ve been using in their classrooms for years. and now, after spring break, they’ll both be back to full time in-person learning. Hallelujah praise be to god.

So yes. I am deeply deeply grateful.

But still. Even with all those positive things, it still has been so hard. the isolation. The fear. The endlessness. And of course the anger. So much anger. Our failures as a country were catastrophic, and it did not have to be this way.

So I’m lucky, but I’m also tired and sad and my brain doesn’t feel normal anymore. A lot of the issues that I struggled with for so long, and worked so hard to overcome, well, they seem to have woken up. I know I have some battles ahead of me, some heavy ones, and I’m not sure how strong I am for them. But at least I’m on my way to being fully vaccinated, and that makes me happy. Future Christa can deal with the rain of shit coming her way. This Christa is going to just feel good about this for a little while.

It tells me things that I wish I didn’t know while at the same time not giving me nearly enough details. So I’m left to sit here and torture myself with all these little bits and pieces of a random stupid puzzle, and then fill in the blanks with my imagination, and the resulting picture may or may not be true, but is probably true, and now I feel things that I was not ready or wanting to feel. What a lousy night.

What I really need to do is stay off Twitter. Twitter will never ever make me happy, Twitter is not my therapist, Twitter is not my friend, Twitter is not my lover. Twitter is funny, but also so mean and so terrible, filled with wretched people and their wretched lives.

Also, for the record, I am not happy for anyone, or anything. I am not happy for you. all your wonderful things. all your happiness. all your right choices. your beautiful life. your vaccination card. your Hawaiian vacation. your capacity to give and receive love.

Okay I am happy for one thing. These shoes:

(It’s actually true though. I was feeling bad and looking for a depressing picture to post here, then I saw this and it made me feel instantly better.)

-Bob’s Burgers

-Ted Lasso.

They are both just so great and I love them and they make me happy and I love them.

I feel sorry for people who don’t watch tv.

I am fighting a battle with myself over the positive changes happening at work. My usual reaction to something like this? doubt everyone and everything, and especially myself. But maybe I’ll try something new. Maybe, instead of convincing myself all the ways I am not deserving or good enough, I could just go along with it? Accept the possibility that I am not a complete fraud? Be confident and not allow my insecurities dictate every aspect of my life?

Or maybe I’ll work extra hard at ruining it all.

I don’t know yet. We’ll see. We will just see.