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a pervading malaise

Book deal on pause

By christa 4 June, 2022 random

I started a second site recently to practice my writing, something separate from here, where I was really gonna let loose. And then of course it was going to be so hugely successful and popular, I would get a book deal, and/or a tv-writing gig. All my dreams coming true.

Lol.

I just couldn’t find the energy though. To write consistently. To write about interesting things. I’m not finding much inspiration in life right now, so even though I wrote a few things, none of it was worthwhile.

I may try again in the future but for now I’ll just stick to my whiny ramblings here, with my cozy little bots and broken WordPress. This is home.

In covid news, I’m still testing positive, which I guess is not that uncommon? I am also still kind of sick. Much better than last week but definitely not 100%. I’m actually quite grumpy about it all.

But perhaps something good can come from this. Getting covid has been a bit of a wake up call. I know how unhealthy I’ve been this past year, but I’ve been very good at ignoring it. And I’m not just talking about my physical health. Mentally and emotionally, it’s been even worse. I can’t keep pretending everything is fine. everything is not fine. Maybe I would not have gotten this sick if I had been making better choices and taking better care of myself. I’ve been living in a dark place and it’s not good for any of us.

I am liking my eyebrows at least. They’re improving!

You’re my blood sport

By christa 1 June, 2022 random

I just want Soma and Xanax and Percocet and Vicodin and ambien and tramadol, as much as I want, whenever I want, is that too much to ask.

Lousy drug addicts ruining everything for the rest of us.

Okay so since I’ve got something good on my brain, I present my current top 12 apocalypse island discs. I picked 12 because 10 is not enough. (These are in no order, just how I remembered them.)

Alt J – Awesome Wave
Lykke Li – I Never Learn

Lol 12. I started this list in my notes app and it’s at like 324 now. 12? Absurd.

It’s 5am and I’m still awake. But this time it’s not insomnia. I just got home from the airport, where I dropped Nick off for his school trip to DC.

I need sleep desperately. I’m still struggling with covid a bit. I felt pretty good on Sunday but then Monday and Tuesday took it out of me. I don’t know why.

And on top of still testing positive, I now have a lousy sinus infection. It is all making me so grumpy.

Did you know that the Bob’s burgers movie came out and I can’t even go see it because I’m all gross and germy and coughy? Did you know that.

My cherry

By christa 30 May, 2022 random

I don’t have a house or a yard but I’m trying to grow some tomatoes on my balcony. And look!

They have all been green for weeks but the first cherry tomato is finally turning cherry. It is very exciting.

My chamomile and basil are doing okay, but I couldn’t get my lavender, rosemary, thyme or mint to sprout. I’m gonna try again with new seeds.

So I guess this is what happens when you get old and you’re boring and also you have no one. Your life becomes about birds and plants.

Covid update: I am feeling better. Like a real person again. Complete 180 from even just a few days ago. I continue testing positive but I barely have any symptoms left.

I don’t know if it’s because I’m a big wuss, or extremely unhealthy (maybe both?), but it hit me hard. I felt so miserable. the medicine I got made a huge difference, I managed to avoid infecting the boys (and my dad), and I was able to take sick days at work. so all things considered, I am pretty lucky. still wish I hadn’t gotten it.

I’m trying to think what was worse, shingles or covid. They were both so awful. Maybe covid was worse? at least with shingles I got some good painkillers.

don’t really mind if I dream about you

By christa 28 May, 2022 random

When I woke up this morning, I found a note in my phone where I wrote about whatever I was dreaming last night.

I dreamed about killing you again last night

Of course I don’t remember any of it now. but I guess it mattered to me when I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote it down.

And it felt alright to me

I like when I dream and wake up (without waking up) and write it down and then go back to sleep and forget all about it.

these dreams seem to be about Simon and Jonathan but it looks like they were separate dreams. I think I remember the feeling of these dreams. I don’t remember the details. and I don’t know why I would think freeze frame was a funny joke to say. It’s stupid, Jonathan, and it doesn’t even make any sense.

dying on the banks of embarcadero skies

There is a lot of things in this phone that I would want destroyed, if I died suddenly, and a lot of things I would want shared. But no would know what those would be.

I sat and watched you bleed