My dirty streets.

By loafe 27 March, 2004 random

I am very afraid of something.

What if my baby doesn&#146t fill up this hole? Here I am thinking she will, depending on it, but what if she doesn&#146t? What if she comes along and she is perfect and lovely and amazing, but still, inside, I&#146m just an empty wasteland?

Because let&#146s face it folks, she&#146s really my only hope, my last chance, the final countdown, after this, it&#146s game over.

Already I love her more than I ever imagined possible and I may just be setting both of us up for a lot of sadness. I am putting such burdens on her, such expectations. She is a baby not my savior and I am terrified I&#146m going to screw it up. And this is the one thing that I absolutely positively cannot fuck up. How the hell am I going to grow up and be the unselfish, sane, rational being that I need to be in 5 months? I haven&#146t been able to do it in 29 years.

I can only hope that I am stronger and better than I think. Just do my best, I guess.

But I am still so very scared.

Right on cue.

By loafe 25 March, 2004 random

Okay, so I am just past the 4-month mark and as all the pregnancy books say, I find myself with an abundance of frisky feelings. You know, of the sexy variety. So here I am feeling super feisty, but I’m not quite sure what to do with myself. I have put a moratorium on sex with Gordon (because he did some really boneheaded things that I’m not about to get into here) and we’re better off keeping things low key and simple. Sex complicates things, even when the sex is with the father of your baby.

The weird thing is despite all these sexual urges I don’t really want to have sex. Well, I guess I DO want sex, really good, toe-tingling crazy sex, but I don’t want it with Gordon or anyone else I know and I certainly don’t want to sleep with some random guy. Besides, I’m pregnant! Who wants to sleep with a big fat pregnant girl? Exactly.

So I’m stuck. Stuck like a crazy apple in a crazy orchard. Finally, finally, FINALLY, I want sex, and there’s nowhere for me to turn. Lousy timing.

Speaking of sex, on Tuesday I find out if I’m having a boy or a girl. yay! very exciting! I’m hoping for a girl.

I just realized that my baby is going to be born the year of the monkey. HOW COOL IS THAT?! My baby is a MONKEY. It couldn’t get any better, unless of course this was the year of the robot.

I know! I will just make up my own zodiac. From now on, starting in 1974 and occurring every 30 years is the year of the robot. Now both my baby and me are robots! HA! Take that astrology!

To Snip or Not.

By loafe 23 March, 2004 random

Gordon and I had quite a heated discussion last night about whether we should circumcise the baby, if I have a boy. Gordon wants to circumcise and I refuse to do it. To me, it is genital mutilation and I want no part of that. I am not religious and I don&#146t think it is necessary to put my poor little baby through it.

And why should I make that choice for him? If he wants his penis circumcised, he can do it when he is older. For those same reasons, I am not going to pierce the ears of my baby if I have a girl, even though it is a family tradition. What if she doesn&#146t want pierced ears?

Apparently, though, I didn&#146t always feel this way. My friend Marianne says that back when she was having her little boy a few years ago, I was all in favor of circumcision. I don&#146t remember being for or against it back then, but she has a good memory so she knows. But even before I got knocked up, maybe in the past year or two, I was thinking that if I ever had a little boy I wouldn&#146t get him circumcised. So I guess something happened between then and now to change my mind. Gordon, in his infinite wisdom, says I want an uncircumcised penis now because of all the uncircumcised penises I met in Boston. (Please note that when I say infinite wisdom, I am being highly sarcastic.)

Anyway, despite Gordon&#146s protests and the fact that I have no penis, should I have a baby boy, I am not having him circumcised.

oooh, do you want to hear something very cool? Okay. For my desktop publishing class we had to create a gallery guide for an art show curated by my teacher. Our project was to create a 12-page book detailing the exhibit and each of the artists. The opening was Friday night and while I was unable to attend (because stupid me left my stupid bag in my stupid office at work, and by the time I realized it everyone at work had left, so I was stuck because my money and my ID and even my stupid keys were all in my stupid bag so I couldn&#146t get inside the office and I had to run around all night trying to track down my boss and get his keys so I could get inside and boy was it obnoxious) I found out from my teacher on Monday that my book was a favorite and one of the most popular.

eee! I jump with glee. There I was thinking my book sucked and everyone would hate it and I couldn&#146t believe I was even trying to pretend that I could be a designer or an artist or a desktop publisher of any kind. I guess I am better than I think.

My baby is hungry so I need to go hunt down some food now.

ABC Story.

By loafe 19 March, 2004 best of loafe, vol 1, random

Here is my ABC story.

I like it. I procrastinated almost two weeks to do it and then had to write it quickly Wednesday morning, before work and class.

It was hard work though. whew. I highly suggest everyone do this writing exercise. It was extremely useful and really makes you put in an effort. I had to use my brain. I cheated a little, by stealing a few ideas and lines from a loafe entry I did long ago, but it&#146s still me, still my writing, so it all works out in the end.