loafe.com

Today I went to a women&#146s party where products for erotic pleasure were available for purchase. You know, toys and stuff. For women and their partners. It was very interesting. I have never been to such a thing and I felt both empowered and a little uncomfortable. But everyone there was very relaxed and at ease with the whole thing so that made it easier.

I bought two items. I bought ben wa balls for me (ben wa balls are to strengthen your kegel muscles, which really take a beating during pregnancy and delivery) and this weird stretchy thing called glo-mouth for Gordon. Glo-mouth slides over the penis to enhance the sensations during handjobs and masturbation. Oh, and I also bought really expensive lube for Gordon to use, because you need lots of it when using the glo-mouth thing.

I figure if I gave him that, he might leave me alone for awhile. My sexual interest in Gordon = 0.

The minute we got home, he wanted to try it. Boys are so silly. Sex sex sex all the time. He was thinking about it the whole drive home and was dying for the baby to fall asleep so he could give it a whirl. He enjoyed it, I&#146ll say that much. Now the pressure is off of me. When he starts bugging me, I&#146ll hand him the lube and mr. glo and send him off to the bedroom, &#147have a good time, don&#146t hurry back!&#148

There used to be a time when I felt good about sex. When things like vibrators and porn and sexy stuff was enjoyable to me and I didn&#146t feel all creeped out and weird about it. It wasn&#146t that long ago, but I can&#146t remember what it feels like. Why did I go from liking that stuff to this? It isn&#146t just the pregnancy and baby thing; I was feeling pretty crummy about it long before that.

Man I really need to get myself a hobby.

I&#146m so glad that I have loafe, because it provides an opportunity for me to talk about all the things bothering me and on my mind. But sometimes, you need more than just a one-sided outlet. You need someone to talk back, to give you perspective, to say a few reassuring words. You need a human response.

Right now I am having issues with Gordon, and I could really use some good advice, or at least an understanding ear. But when it comes to Gordon…well, things are a little tricky. He has done some things to justifiably draw the ire of my friends, because they love me and only want the best for me. Some of the things Gordon has done aren&#146t the actions of their ideal guy for me. Thankfully, things are starting to get better now and relationships are being formed and/or mended. So I am afraid anything I say about him now will ruin our progress and give fuel to the fire, creating more discord between all of us. And I don&#146t want that.

I will say this. How do you know the difference between being supportive and giving unconditional love to someone and just being a fool, letting someone break your trust over and over again? I feel like maybe I&#146m being dragged down into a situation that is nearly impossible to extract myself from; but of all my options, I always seem to come out the loser, no matter what I choose.

I guess at this point it&#146s about sacrifice. What I am willing to give up and what I am willing to not give up. I want to make things work, but I don&#146t know how to fix the broken parts and I am tired of trying.

I have Ryland now and in the end, that&#146s all that matters. It&#146s just hard though. To feel so happy and fulfilled on one hand and so incredibly lonely and disappointed on the other.

I&#146m not feeling all that attractive lately. I didn&#146t care when I was pregnant, but now that the baby is here, I am becoming increasingly aware of it. It&#146s depressing and I don&#146t like it. I can&#146t remember the last time a guy flirted with me. What makes it even worse is that I feel bad for feeling bad about not getting a lot of opposite sex attention. Like, how lame am I for caring whether or not people flirt with me. But I can&#146t help it. I don&#146t think it&#146s wrong to want other people to notice you, but I don&#146t think it&#146s something I should be concerned with, even though it is, which makes me feel like an insecure loser. It&#146s all a vicious cycle that I don&#146t know how to break.

I need to start getting back to the gym is what I need to do.

She has this very annoying song out right now and damn if it isn&#146t permanently embedded into my brain. I will walk off a cliff when I unwittingly start singing it to Ryland.

I&#146m losing my internet connection again. Only for two days though, starting today (wed). I will have it back on Friday, though.

Ryland was a month old on Sunday. It feels very strange to me. He&#146s been with me for 34 days. 34 days of motherhood under my belt and already I feel like a pro. I&#146ve only taken about a billion pictures. All Ryland will remember of his early days is a flash.

I am almost finally done with the birth announcements. He&#146ll be graduating from college by the time I get them out.

Oohh! The last book in the Dark Tower series came out today. I bought it but I haven&#146t started reading it. Marianne and I have both decided that we need to savor this book and take our time, reading it when we have quiet, uninterrupted moments. It&#146s hard though, I am ready to devour it right this second. The last book! I&#146ve only been waiting for this moment my entire life. But I will be patient and good and let each word roll around on my tongue as long as it wants. I will not waste this.