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I discovered a new band recently and I downloaded some free mp3s from their site. I am completely and totally enamored with them. If I had any extra money, I&#146d buy all their music. For now, I&#146m forced to be content with the half dozen or so free songs.

I&#146m going to pretend I wrote the lyrics and that I&#146m starring in their music videos. Then I&#146m going to bed.

My dreams have been trying to tell me something lately and I can&#146t quite figure it out. They&#146ve been awfully detailed and crazy and I remember then quite well when I wake up, but as I go about my daily business I forget. Maybe I am forgetting on purpose because I don&#146t want to know what my dreams are trying to tell me. Maybe my dreams are crazy because Ryland, even though he&#146s three months, still isn&#146t ready to sleep for more than 3 or 4 hours at a time and my body is desperate for a longer stretch. Never in my life did I think I could function on 4-5 hours of sleep on a regular basis. Funny how things change.

So I&#146ve been thinking that I might need to get back into some therapy. Ryland has given my life meaning and purpose, but his existence doesn&#146t wipe out the 29 years I lived before he came around and all of the crap I picked up along the way. I still have way too much anger and sadness inside me and frankly I&#146m tired of it.

Even though I think maybe I need therapy, hearing someone else tell you that is quite annoying. I was on the phone with Gordon&#146s mother the other day, and we were discussing her son&#146s problems and what we need to do to help him. And she suggested group therapy. Which at first didn&#146t bother me, I barely even registered it. But later that day, it was poking at me with a little stick, saying, &#147hey christa, group therapy, you know what that means right? you gonna let her get away with that? of course you are you big frigging wuss. you need a lot more than group therapy.&#148

Because Gordon&#146s mother wasn&#146t suggesting group therapy as a way to help just Gordon. She thinks I need it as well. As if somehow MY problems are tantamount to his. As if Gordon&#146s drug addiction is somehow MY fault, that I&#146m causing it, that I put him in this situation and made his life so difficult he had no choice but to steal and lie and abuse drugs. She would never say this to me, oh no, never. But I can hear it in her voice and see it in her face. If I hadn&#146t gotten pregnant and dragged him to Arizona and made him get a job and be a responsible, decent human being.

holy crap. Something just ocurred to me right now. I bet Phyllis thinks that I got pregnant ON PURPOSE. I was feeling that baby crunch because I&#146m older and I was running out of options and I wanted a baby so bad but didn&#146t want to be get married so I manipulated Gordon to get what I wanted, because I was desperate and knew I could control her precious innocent little baby. I BET SHE TOTALLY THINKS THAT!

Okay, she probably doesn&#146t think that at all, but just to be clear, his dick had just as much to do with this baby as my vagina.

Anyway, let&#146s all hope that Gordon will be in rehab soon and on the right path to being a worthy father to Ryland.

I got sick in the past two days and now I feel like crap and boy it&#146s hard to be a good mommy when you feel like this, but I&#146m trying.

I have a ton of new pictures to add to Ryland&#146s gallery, but I just can&#146t find the energy right now.

So Saturday night was the big show. At first I was apprehensive. Of course I wanted to see Wilco, but I just got back from Boston and I was really tired. Ryland was all discombobulated from the trip as well, and determined to keep my sleep to an absolute minimum. Marianne agreed to babysit him for me, but I was nervous to leave him for so long, worried for Ryland and for Marianne. I didn&#146t have much milk pumped either. So the evening started off a little shaky.

But once we got to the theater and the show started, I began to relax and ended up having a fabulous evening. The show was amazing. I joked to my friends after the show that it made me forget all about Ryland. I was kidding of course, but it did make me remember who I was before Ry, made me feel like the old Christa again. It&#146s been a long time. All I&#146ve felt and thought and lived these past three months is baby baby baby. And three months in baby world is like an eternity in the normal world.

I really needed a night like that and I was able to truly appreciate it because of Marianne, Tiffany and Morgan. Without them I wouldn&#146t have been able to let go and have such a good time.

Wilco was incredible. I&#146ve only seen them once before, in Boston, and this show seemed a lot more rocking and rolling. And does it get better than ending the show with blue oyster cult? I am not mad at Jeff Tweedy anymore. He&#146s too sweet to stay mad at and I love his voice. It&#146s like a big comfy chair that I can climb in and get all snuggly. I kept imagining the entire theater empty and Wilco alone on stage, with Jeff singing just for me. I&#146m his pop quiz kid after all. And to top it all off, in the encore they played Misunderstood which is one of my most favorite songs. So I thank Marianne and Tiffany and Morgan for giving me a great weekend and making me feel better about life in general and reminding me that I am a person outside of Ryland&#146s mom.

I can&#146t believe Thanksgiving is Thursday. And then Christmas and then New Year&#146s and then it&#146ll be summer and then his first birthday and then Ryland will be in college.

We&#146re back in Tucson now and I am glad. It was great to visit Boston and we saw tons of people. It even snowed, which made me so glad to be HERE this winter and not there.

Gordon ended up coming home with me, even though I probably should have left him in Boston. I keep threatening to ditch him, but I keep not doing it. I wonder what he has to do for me to finally follow through on my empty promises. What more does he have to do to me and our son before I say enough? I really don&#146t know, but I also know none of this is easy or simple and any decision I make is not a good one. I can choose shitty option a or shitty option b or even shitty option c. Lucky me!

Wilco is tomorrow and I am thrilled to DEATH. I wish Ry could come with me but I suppose a concert, no matter how small, is not the place for a three-month old infant. Yes that&#146s right, Ryland is three months today! HB, little guy.

Everyone in Boston adored him and rightly so. He really is too cute. His pictures don&#146t do him justice.

While in Boston I drove what is quite possibly the greatest car known to man. This may come as a surprise to some of you, as it did me. But the greatest car known to man is…the toyota camry. I am not kidding! Granted I&#146ve never driven anything fancier than say…a toyota camry, but I really loved that car. I always used to think camrys? how lame, wondering why it was the most stolen car in America. But now? I&#146m singing a different tune: camrys? oh I must have sex with this car. I kept trying to figure out a way to steal that rental car and make it mine without anyone noticing. But my genius lies not in criminal activities.

Anyway, it is good to be home. Now I need to start looking for a job. Or maybe a giant suitcase full of free money will fall on my car today and I&#146ll be rescued. Crazier things have happened.