loafe.com

I have sacrificed a lot to be home with the boy, particularly in the relationship field. Right now I’m okay with this, but eventually I won’t be. I’m not happy and sooner or later I’m going to have to do something about it. I think that it’s my duty to do as much as I possibly can to keep my family together, to try and make things work, for Ry’s sake at least. But I’m pretty tired and I feel like I’m the only one trying, like I’m the only one holding things together. More than anything, I want to set a good example for my son and I’m not doing it. I want him to see healthy, respectful, honest relationships. I don’t want him to see the way G and I are living and think this is the way to do things, this is the way to love and treat people. Because then the cycle never ends. He needs good role models and good people. Loving him is not enough.

My family teases me, says I am “anti-love” because of my attitude. I tend to make fun of love and the crap the entertainment industry produces in its name. But it isn’t that I’m anti-love. I just don’t believe that love can conquer all, that love is all you need. My situation is clear proof that love is not all you need.

When I look around at all the boys I know, I realize how much better things could be for us. I realize that we deserve better. We deserve more than someone telling us how much they love us, but not behaving in an honest, loving manner. Because if this is the way G loves us, then I don’t want to be loved.

There is a particular boy, we’ll call him George, George Glass, and I think “he’s got it all.” It makes me sad, because he’s so unavailable to me that we might as well be living on different planets. But that doesn’t keep me from thinking “if only…” and that’s a dangerous thought that could lead me down a dangerous path. Not with him, because as I’ve just said, even though he’s the boy I want, we’re on different planets. But it gets me thinking. Up till now I haven’t that interest in other boys was lacking. Now it seems to be coming back.

I don’t regret my life with G. If nothing else, it brought me Ry and I couldn’t ask for anything better or sweeter or more perfect than him.

I hate the person I’ve become with G and I am tired of hating myself. It’s so easy to be complacent and to settle for less, to compromise. I don’t want to be that girl anymore. The right choices are sometimes the hardest to make, but I have a friend who is in the middle of a divorce from a terrible man who treated her so poorly, and it gives me hope. If she can get herself out of a bad situation and move on, then so can I.

Of course, this means big changes for me. And for Ry. I won’t be able to be home with him, because I need to find work and support us. But I’ve been unbelievably lucky to have this time with him and I don’t regret that a single bit. It was so worth it.

“To become a real boy you must prove yourself brave, truthful, and unselfish.” -Pinocchio

I wonder…are there any real boys out there.

I had iTunes on my PC and it ran okay, kind of slow, but not too bad, or so I thought. Man was I wrong. I got this iMac and what a world of difference. It’s a hundred times faster and smoother and now I actually LIKE iTunes. I enjoy putting songs on my iPod. Before, I hated it, because really it ran so slow and took forever and it made me crazy.

I am dizzy with love for my new computer.

Hey, it’s March. I like March. It’s a fun month. Very sassy, as far as spring months go.

It’s funny how you think you know someone, you think you know them very well, and then one day you realize that you don’t know them at all, or at least not nearly as well as you thought. And that realization brings on the alarming panic that you don’t know anything at all, your entire bank of knowledge and understanding is just a sham, a ghost, nothing at all. That could be just me.

The only sure thing I know? What goes up must come down. Literally. It’s all about the gravity. I can trust in gravity. It bends my mind. Gravity! You hold something in your hand. You let go. What would happen? If I didn’t already know about gravity, the logic of my brain would tell me it would stay right there. Why would it drop? That makes no sense. It would just stay right there, hovering in the air.

But we have gravity and gravity brings it down. It would keep bringing it down if the ground weren’t there to stop it. How far could something “fall”? It feels like it would fall forever and ever, if it could.

So gravity is just this crazy thing for me, something that amazes the jebus out of me. I don’t actively think about it, yet it’s there, this great force pulling us all down and in; we just keep on about our business.

I watch Ryland and he has no idea about gravity. On some level he does though, because he knows he isn’t up floating around in air. He knows that if he drops a toy, it keeps on going until something stops it, my hand, the floor, the counter, the chair, whatever. He knows he has to work pretty hard to stay upright. But he doesn’t KNOW this, he only feels it, I guess. But watching this learning process, his discovery of gravity without knowing what gravity is or what it does, that is too cool, too cool for school.

I don’t know what I’m going on about. I just really love gravity I guess.

So back to my original thoughts, knowing someone so well, then discovering that you don’t know much at all. This isn’t a bad thing, just unsettling. I am not referring to anyone or anything specific, it’s just been on my mind lately. So then I say to myself if I don’t know people as well as I thought I did, then the reverse must also be true. They don’t know me as well as they think they do; or maybe they don’t know me as well as I think they do.

It disturbs me and it excites me, this mystery about people. I love the incongruities and inconsistencies. I hate not being able to predict but I love having the unpredictable happen. In the end, though, it makes me sad. In the end, I want people to be who I think they are, otherwise I feel lost and disjointed and let down.

And finally, to end the night. I don’t know if it’s because I had a baby or if I’m getting old or the quality of comedy these days is lower, but things are not as funny to me as they once were. Case in point: I didn’t think Dodgeball or Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle were all that funny. I suppose there were a few good jokes in there somewhere, but mostly I just sat and watched, wondering why so many things had to be so completely stupid and over-the-top. It isn’t like I’m against outrageous or goofy. I just like it classier, I suppose. Or logically outrageous. For instance, Harold and Kumar riding a cheetah? Not funny. It couldn’t and wouldn’t ever happen. I understand the comedy of it–haha they’re riding this crazy fast cheetah and they’re all stoned hahaha–but really. It’s not funny. Maybe it’s because I wasn’t smoking marijuana and haven’t smoked in over a year.

But I’ve smoked a lot of pot in my time, I’ve enjoyed it immensely. I’ve watched many things and had many good laughs while stoned. But if you NEED to be stoned to find something funny, then it’s a pretty safe bet that it wasn’t all that funny to begin with.

Here are a few movies that I think are truly funny: office space, old school, rushmore, the big lebowski, raising arizona, harold and maude, lost in america, mother. There are tons more movies I could list, but we get the idea. These movies are funny in all the ways that count.

Is it me? Did anyone over the age of say…16 think Harold and Kumar was that hilarious? I’ve read reviews that talk about the cleverness of the movie and its jabs at buddy films. I guess I missed it?

jeez, I’m such a fuddy duddy now.

okay, so as we all know, I got a new computer, a sassy little iMac, and I’m loving it super much. it’s very fast and pretty and shiny and all that. And the monitor is an LCD, something I’ve never had, nor am I used to, but apparently it is allowable for there to be up to 5 dead/burnt/stuck pixels on a screen. Having 5 or less is equal to having zero. It’s “within spec” as I’ve been told, but you know, I dropped a lot of money on this damn computer and I want it perfect.

After going through three iMacs though, I have decided to just keep this fourth one. There is one dead pixel in the upper right corner, whereas on the other screens they were in much more noticeable spots. It isn’t perfect, but I am getting tired of hauling a computer up to the Apple Store every day and having the workers look at me like I’m crazy and anal. I figure I can live with one small pixel up there. It bugs me and I stare at it, but it really is because I’m crazy and anal.

Anyway.

Here’s what I’d like to know: why men think they can come home and spend five minutes with their children and think they have fulfilled their responsbility as a father. Because it really drives me effing crazy. I spend all day and all night with Ryland, and I love it, but I’m only human and I need a break sometimes, a break that lasts longer than five minutes. I don’t want to go anywhere or do anything special. Maybe go take a shower or read for a bit or hell how about just letting me take a shit in peace?

That said, you should know that Ryland is doing the cutest thing right now. He isn’t crawling, but he’s been getting up on his hands and knees and then rocking back and forth, almost like he’s revving up to go. It’s so freaking adorable. He’s also started his first bits of solid food, some rice cereal and peas so far. He doesn’t eat it everyday, but he seems to like it. It certainly doesn’t help him sleep any better at night though, although it seems like every one and their dog told me it would.

okay, now on to other things. How about boys I wish loved me? Okay.
-Zach Braff, the guy from Scrubs and Garden State.
-This guy named Jeffrey Donovan, who just played a serial killer on CSI Miami and used to be on a show called Touching Evil on USA (a show I really liked and am sad they cancelled). Isn’t he yummy?
-Vince Vaughn a tall drink of delicious
-johnny depp
-that guy who plays Boone on Lost. He’s a foxy fox.
-and of course t. yorke, always and forever.

um, right now as I was typing this message, I pressed some combination of keys and suddenly all the windows on my desktop did this fancy little maneuver and then I was looking at them all at the same time, tiled neatly on the screen. I have no idea what it was, but it was cool.

here’s a nice thing about having a kid: I never feel lame for not being out on a fri or sat night.