loafe.com

Missy Elliot and M.I.A.

Surely there are others, but those two are up in the front of my mind right now. Smart music, smart ladies, fun, original and very danceable.

I also like the music from that sean paul guy. I don’t really know what he’s saying because I can’t understand him, but I like to shake around to it. His “lyrics” are likely very misogynistic and ridiculous, I just happen to like the SOUND. I wouldn’t buy an album or anything, because he seems like a shallow creep and I don’t want to give him my money.

So, I truly appreciate the offers of donations, etc for Emerson and it’s a good idea in theory. But unless one of the six people reading this site is extremely wealthy and wants to donate say $20,000 to my cause, then it won’t help much. But I am not discouraged. Okay, I am a little, but there just has to be other sources of money. Grants, scholarships, something. I doubt that I can manage to get enough to pay for both semesters, but who knows. Crazier things have been known to happen (like me having a baby). And somewhere out there is a man who legally owes me $60,000. If I could find him, maybe I could get some money there. The hard part is finding him. And of course that he has money or homeowners insurance, otherwise it’s all moot. You can’t get water from a stone, right?

I see there’s a new version of wordpress, but I doubt I’ll be upgrading it anytime soon. Screw this dialup crap.

I got an ipod a little over 2 years ago, back in December of 2003. I was very happy with it and there’s been much love between us since then. I also bought the apple warranty extension plan as well, giving me two extra years for support. For the past 8 or so months, the battery life of my ipod was greatly diminished, but I just dealt with it, meaning to send it in for repair sooner or later. But you know me, so of course I was sending it in on the absolute very last day of my coverage.

I just got it back yesterday. Well, a replacement ipod anyway. It’s new and shiny and very pretty and I am glad to have it back. I was having grand fantasies of them sending me a brand new exciting video ipod as a replacement, but of course I got the same model as what I sent in. I don’t know what kind of lousy program they’re running over there at Apple, where you send in your 2-year old ipod for repair and they can’t even bother to send you back a new video ipod as a replacement. Sheesh.

If we don’t get our own place very soon, I might have to start a nasty pill-popping drug habit.

I used to really love Boston, I thought it was the greatest city in all the world, but now I mostly just hate it. And I’m so mad that I hate it. I didn’t want it to come to this. I wanted to keep that love alive, have it burning inside me forever. But I suppose we knew it couldn’t last. Sooner or later, as happens with all the great loves, it had to end. Now I just feel resentment and bitterness. I have so many memories in this town, both good and bad, all of them following me around and reminding me of my old life. And it isn’t like my “new life” here has started off with a bang (my new life being with the baby).

And to top it all off, I found out that I’ve hit my limit with financial aid at Emerson, which I didn’t know was possible and which would have been nice to know ohh, six months ago. But there you have it. So with two frigging semesters left to go, I’ve got no financial aid and no money of my own, just a huge massive debt and no degree to show for it. Just as we were settling into some semblance of normalcy in Tucson, with friends and jobs and baby playdates, I uprooted us all to come back to Boston, only to find out now it was pointless. Someone could have told me this a few months ago, when I was inquiring into my return to Emerson, but apparently the person I talked to was a complete moron.

BUT! I am trying to remain positive and keep my head up, per my new approach to life. It is very difficult and I want to scream until my head explodes, but if I let all this get me down now, then what am I showing to my son? That it’s okay to crumble and fall when a few obstacles are thrown in your way? That everything in life should come easy and simple? That it’s okay to give up when things get hard? So I just have to accept the reality, deal with it and move on. Figure out a way around the mess.

It will work out, maybe not today or tomorrow but I will get that degree. I am not going to have everything I went through and all the crap I’ve dealt with since I moved to Boston be for nothing. I don’t care how foolish it now seems and how tunnel-visioned I’ve become. I have to graduate from Emerson. Don’t you see? I have to make all that mean something, I have to make it worth it. I just can’t have it be for nothing. I’ve sacrificed so much and I’ve lost so much in these past 6 years, to cut my losses and walk away now would destroy me. I might still be alive, but I’d be just a shell, someone going through the motions. We all deserve better, especially my little guy.

and if you don’t celebrate anything, well happy weekend to you then. Cause everyone celebrates weekends.

so, to tell the truth, I am not feeling much holiday cheer. I want to be happy and joyful and triumphant and merry and all that, but it just isn’t in me this season. I’ll make the best of it though, it’ll all be fine and in a week or two, everything will be over. And next year will be better, I’m sure of it, even if I have to kill someone to do it.

I had dreams last night of my Tucson friends, getting a new apartment, and being in some sort of crash with Ry. That last dream was pretty scary. We were on a fancy dream bicycle, going along our merry way. I took a turn too fast, overcorrected, and then we were sailing through brush and bushes and trees. I was panicking in the dream, crazed with worry over the baby, but I don’t know what the outcome was, because I woke up. I felt sick to my stomach and lay in bed wondering if this was some sort of omen.

It would an unforgivable offense on the part of the universe were something to happen to my boy. You hear me universe? unforgivable.

the winter solstice has passed and I did a tiny little celebration of my own, honoring the longest night of the year. I wanted to do more but it just didn’t work out that way. It’s nice to know that we’re headed towards spring. I really need 2006 to be a good year, but it looks like maybe it’s going to start out with a bit of a limp. We’ll see how it goes. I gotta keep reminding myself to stay positive.

I must say, bringing in joy is a real pain in my ass. Being angry, bitter, and pessimistic is so much easier.

and congrats to jonathan and his lovely new family. yay for babies!