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Wilco’s new song is good! It actually sounds like Wilco. And it’s very apt for me right now since my heart is being crushed to a pulp.

Would you like to see the grossness that is my torn calf muscle right now?

It’s feeling better though. I have more movement in it and I’m able to walk on it better. I did the full week of total rest and I returned to the gym yesterday. I did two classes but was very careful and did not do anything that felt wrong or painful.

I was very happy to be back at the gym but already I can sense how much I’ve lost. It’ll be fine. It will be fine. IT WILL BE FINE.

But I have some really good news. I found a new headband! It’s almost the exact same as my old one, it’s just a different color. But it works! My hair stayed off my face and the band didn’t slip off and I didn’t have to adjust it 400 times. It was a glorious day. I feel my luck could change.

Is it dumb and a waste of money to buy posters for national shows I’m not even going to?

Yes it’s dumb. I’m not a teenager. Get ahold of yourself christa.

Normally I would be using the gym as a distraction for how miserable I feel. But I had to go and tear a calf muscle and now I’m an even bigger mess. I have nothing. NOTHING!

The desire and impulse to text him is intense. Overwhelming. My strength is tested constantly. But my friends are right. I will feel even worse after, with the fresh agony of waiting for a response. And there is no response that would be satisfactory. And it would be repeating the same nightmare.

But still, I obsess over it, thinking if I could just craft the perfect message, everything will be okay again.

I’m an idiot.

There is one distraction. I went to see a new boy tonight. it helped! Plus I actually like him. He’s curious and strange and interesting and makes me a little crazy because I have no idea how he feels about me. I think he likes me? He’s asked me to come over Friday. I said yes. He is going to cook me dinner.

I thought the lesson with this whole thing was that I am in fact open to the possibility of a relationship. Something beyond just sex. But that was stupid.

The lesson I HAVE learned is a good one: being vulnerable and opening yourself up to someone is never worth the risk.

These legs and my chilled heart will stay closed forever. Leave me alone, world. Let me be.

Alright, I’m feeling much better. I was a little desolate last night, but I’m being gentle with myself today. And with him. Because it’s okay. He’s allowed to change his mind and set boundaries and do what is best for him, the why of it doesn’t really matter.

And I’m allowed to feel sad about it. I am allowed to miss him. It feels good to miss him. It’s healing.

No one is wrong or bad here. It just is.

So that’s what’s making me feel better. That I don’t have to be mad at him or hate him. I don’t have to regret anything. I can just let us be.

of course I still need to get an eternal sunshine of the spotless mind going up in here, because duh. I’m being forgiving and gentle but I’m also human with human emotions and it sucks.

A lesson from all this is that I thought I wanted causal sex and no commitments. And I do still want that. but the possibility exists that I might want more from someone. Not sure who, or if I’ll ever meet him, but it is possible.

I have accepted a date with someone else tomorrow night because why not. He doesn’t want me but this guy tomorrow does. So why not.

I thought I would be okay. That I would be grateful to have him in my life, for as long as it lasted. I truly truly, down deep into my bones, believed it would be worth it.

Because it all felt so good, you know? the joy and wonder that had returned to my life. I was alive again. light, dancing on air, I felt like sunshine, like moonbeams, like a constellation of lovesick stars. of course it seemed worth it! Experiencing this brief bit of happiness was 100% worth the eventual misery.

But I was wrong. So so wrong.

It was not worth it. I have never in my life tasted such sweetness as this, as him, felt the magic of love and belonging and desire coursing through my veins in such powerful measure. so I gave myself over to it. despite my better judgment. I ignored my instincts. I know this world and I know my fate but I let hope blind me. Hope that this time could be different. And now look at me. I’m a total mess, paying dearly for my foolishness.

I wish I could be mad at myself but I’m not there yet. That will come but right now I’m surrounded by sorrow and regret. I’m exactly where I didn’t want to be. I wish I hadn’t met him, I wish I hadn’t let him in, I wish I had kept my walls up. I wish.

Please please let me find a way out. I want to appreciate what we had without bitterness. to remember this time and be happy for it. I don’t want to be sad. It’s been such a lovely summer, of warm rains and golden haze. Let me move on from it with love. Please.