I Give Up.

This entry is going to be nothing but me bitching and moaning, so you&#146d probably do best to skip reading it today.

So. Here I am at home, and have been for 3 weeks now. And I&#146ve been trying very hard, so very hard, to be nice and understanding and minimize the discomforts for my parents of me being here. I know that it is not easy having me here and everyone&#146s routine is messed up, so I am trying. But it just isn&#146t working. I am butting my head against a brick wall and as I stand here with blood streaming down my face, all they can manage to do is criticize, that my blood isn&#146t red enough or thick enough or gushing out like it should be, I can&#146t even bleed right, what is wrong with me.

My mother hasn&#146t stopped being Ms. Bitch Royale since I got here; thinking every little thing I do, like breathing for instance, is some grand conspiracy against her. She acts so horribly utterly INCONVENIENCED by my presence (yet my other sisters and their kids can spend months at time here and she rejoices like it&#146s the goddamned second coming). Her big problem is that, after almost DYING last year from a heart attack and subsequent quadruple bypass surgery, she has started smoking again. Only she thinks she is doing it secretly and no one knows. She must really think we&#146re idiots. Anyway, so now with me around constantly she is forced to go to even greater lengths to hide it. She looks horrible, she is being sneaky and bitchy because she knows she shouldn&#146t be doing it, and takes it out on everyone around her, but mostly me, as if I am to blame for every one of her problems, as if I’m the sole reason for her unhappiness and poor health. And you know what? I don&#146t care anymore. If she wants to kill herself with those fucking cigarettes and blame me for her miseries, then so be it. It&#146s her life and I am sick and tired of feeling responsible and bad about HER choices. It&#146s pretty sad when you get to the point that you begin to wonder how much better off everyone might be right now had she actually died last year.

As for my father, well, he isn&#146t so annoying, he&#146s mostly harmless, but he never has anything nice or positive to say about me or anything concerning my life. I must have been a really rotten child to induce such loathing and disappointment from them. And all he does is watch TV all day long, which really gets on my nerves. How can anyone possibly watch that much TV without dying or committing suicide? I really don&#146t understand. From morning until night, that TV is on, buzzing and hissing and eating away my sanity, and he sits in that chair doing nothing. What my father needs is a job, because if I have to hear one more time about how broke my parents are I am going to scream. No one seems to have a problem complaining to me about MY lack of a job or the manner in which I spend what little money I have, but god forbid they turn the spotlight on themselves.

AHHHH. It&#146s just making me nuts, like unbelievably crazy I-am-going-to-rip-out-every-blood-vessel-in-my-body nuts. This is why I left! This is why I moved as far away as I could from these people. They hate me, I hate them, and we&#146re fine with that arrangement when I am living thousands of miles away.

I have a job interview tomorrow, so hopefully I will be able to move out ASAP and the tension will ease up and I can see these people as little as humanly possible.

And if I don&#146t find a job soon I&#146m in big trouble. The money I had managed to save is disappearing quickly. And nothing new is coming in, which is very stressful. I thought I was broke before? HA! I was living like queen of the world in Boston. Reality can be so cruel, so so cruel. I have no idea what&#146s going to happen when I have to stop working to have the baby. Maybe I can sell a kidney or something.

Also, are people getting my emails? Because no one is writing me back and I&#146m feeling lonely.

• ← Mexicans everywhere.
• the email situation. →