from the hands of devils

By christa 30 November, 2006 best of loafe, vol 1, random

So I bought a Real Simple magazine the other day. Not for the first time, either. Because Real Simple is classy, I told myself. You could use a little class, I admonished.

Now here is why I want to kill myself:

Earlier this afternoon, I am reading RS and hating it, I’m talking absolute terms here. Rolling my eyes, shaking my head, taking deep power breaths to help me get through. Yet, I continue to read. I recognize the ridiculous nature of each article, picture the women they are targeting, and enjoy imagining their demise. But I don’t stop reading.

Because I’m absorbing, you see. On some sort of crazy 11th dimension in my brain, as I read this magazine, I’m gleaning useful information that I might one day be able to apply to my own routines. Helpful tips like having a sturdy yet attractive basket (perhaps one I make myself!) in my main room to help make cleaning easier (and prettier!): just drop orphaned items in it throughout the day and then make one round-the-world trip at the end of the evening, restoring everything to their rightful homes. I think “hmm, yes that WOULD be easier than walking all over the house a thousand different times, all day long, like I usually do! Yes, Real Simple, yes!”

I even purchased a basket. I took my time picking it out, too, lifting each one, carefully assessing its weight, girth, and manueverability.

Perhaps now you can understand my death wish. If not all of you, then those of you who know me well.

Vera, Vera. You know the question. Now where the frick are you, I need some answers already. for chrissakes, people. I’m buying attractive, yet sturdy baskets. Do you hear me? ATTRACTIVE YET STURDY BASKETS!

7 thoughts on “from the hands of devils”

  1. Marianne

    Oh yeah. That was an enjoyable post.

    The answer to the dilemma, by the way, is not to be found in a new and pretty basket, it is to be found by shouting at your worthless husband/partner/whatever and your lazy children to pick up their goddamn shit (and yours too while they are at it).

  2. DG

    I have an old broken cheap easter basket I use to put cat crap into when I clean out the cat pans. Then I dump the cat crap from the basket into the toilet.
    I found your fascination and compulsion with the strategic use of an upscale basket strangely compelling.

  4. ~neely~

    oh my gosh. i haven’t read thru the mag as of yet…but i’m gonna pee myself when i get to that part. i swear!! even if i don’t have to go, my body will find something to, well, i dunno…

    too fuck’n funny.

    did you know it was 69 degrees today?

  5. gina

    oh my, when i spoke to you yesterday i had no idea the problem was this serious. it’s funny, you’re getting so domestic and i haven’t bought a Martha Stewart Living in two years. will you make me something cool for christmas? maybe a giant initial cookie carefully wrapped and packaged so as to arrive in Virginia in tact? i task you with this.