Why do you do this to yourself
I think I’m in a good place with him. I think finally I can move on finally I can let go finally I can be free.
But then I have a night like tonight. And I am not free. I am not in a good place with him. I will never be, will I?
So maybe I can move on. But at a great cost. he has ruined me.
Yes. I went back tonight. To the old videos. The messages. The voice memos. all I have left of that time. That time where he showed me all his shiny toys and I bought every single thing he sold me. At a price that I am still paying today.
It felt so good but it hurts so bad. why does it still have to hurt. I should not have gone back. It was a sad orgasm. I had to work for it and really earn it and I only cried just a tiny little bit. It’s been a long time since I went back and even longer since I cried.
Some people burrow down so deep that they become part of your bloodstream, part of your tissue, your bone. And you learn to live with it. You just learn to live with it. yeah it might make you feel sick or woozy every now and then, but you do get used to it. Your body adjusts. Adapts. And sometimes? Well sometimes it’ll remind you. The disease you let in, the disease that exists forever inside you. Doesnt want you to ever forget or get too comfortable.
The heart wants what it wants. What can you do.
Find something else to distract us I guess. These are the words I want to hear. Maybe they’re not from the person I most want to say them but I will take it.
I want to be loved. By someone that I love. It’s pathetic and disgusting and I hate myself for it. Why can’t an asteroid destroy the earth already. And no I don’t feel beautiful but I like someone else thinking I am and telling me that, I put that shit on repeat and eat it up like candy. Treat me like garbage that’s fine just tell me the words I want to hear.
Look at me. Therapy is really working!!